A Lucky Surprise Down the Drain (Mystery/Short Story)
“Praise the Lord on this blessed day gentlemen!” Revered Stephen L. Miner beamed out of the stall following a strong flush. He stood to my left as the soapy foam covered his hands at the wall sink. He paid special attention to detailing his gold watch as he rinsed. You can see his sermons on TV every Sunday. “Heh. I don’t see what’s so blessed about it.” On my right, Houston S. Parker smirked as the soap dripped off his hands. His TV show is pretty popular right now. The reverend roughly scrubbed his hands with the paper towels. “It’s blessed because the Lord made it!” “That’s nice.” The actor spun around while slowly drying his hands. “Well, I don’t believe in your lord.”
“You don’t have to believe.” Reverend Miner smirked. “Looks like you’re getting blessed anyway.” Parker gave him a smug smile back. “Of course, but I’m not a thief.” Reverend Miner crumbled the paper towels in a ball and slammed it in the trash. “Boy, who do you think you’re talking to?”
Around this time, my phone buzzed to give me a job update. “Fellas, calm down,” I said looking at both of them in the mirror. “We are in a holy place. This is a place of comings and goings. We are all equal in the face of the porcelain throne, the great toilet.” Finally, I had a little peace to concentrate on what I had to do.
“Now, I know you didn’t mean to take that tone with me. If you apologize, the Lord might spare your life.” I loudly cleared my throat to cut off the reverend. “We don’t need to make too much noise to disturb the other patrons of this fine establishment.” I tried to sound as friendly as possible. “I don’t like your attitude. Do you know who I am?” I checked my phone. “Yes, I do actually.” Before I could fully catch my breath for the next word, the younger guy jumped back into the conversation.
“You’re that slick televangelist.” He walked up to him. “Saving them in the name of the Lord?” He then chuckled. “The only thing I see getting saved is your bank account. It’s good that your followers feel they need to give you money to get a blessing. Praise the lord for that, huh?”
I sighed as I watched the Reverend get red hot in the face. “How dare you!” Next thing I knew, I saw the actor on the ground. They were making too much noise. Oh, well. I figured I could use this to my advantage.
I confirmed the details on my phone. I had the right men in the room with me. “Calm down fellas. I don’t want your last moments to end in a tragedy.” The old man looked confused. “Last moments?” “What the hell are you talking about?” They both look annoyed now.
I kicked them both to the ground. Then, I pulled out my knife and quickly slit their throats. It didn’t take very long.
“I know you’re probably wondering why this is happening to you.” I stood up and practiced my surprise face in the mirror. “You both had outstanding contracts on you. I just happened to get both jobs.” I chuckled to myself. “To think, I chose to come to this brothel to relax. I didn’t think I’d run into both my targets in the lobby bathroom. Must be my lucky day.”
I quickly cleaned my knife in the sink and put it away. “My clients wanted me to get you two as soon as possible. So, this was my best shot.” I then took photos to confirm my handiwork for my clients.
It’s a good thing one of my colleagues happened to be there tonight. He helped me clean up that mess. Oh well, mission accomplished. Texts sent. It was finally time for that sweet relaxation I came here for.