Farming Metal (Short Story/Comedy Adventure)
Why do the other farmers look at me like I’m weird? I mean I’m completely sane. So what if I wear a Hawaiian shirt and have a Mohawk? It doesn’t make a difference. I print out my signs in Comic Sans, so what? It’s easier for the customers to read. Choosing the right marker colors wasn’t an easy thing, you know? “Son, are you alright?” Are you alright? “Sure sir, I’m fine. How are you today?” Ah, look he’s tilting his head at me again. “Just fine.” They all look the same. They wear similar clothes and smell alike. I’m over here bringing some fresh air to the surroundings, you know? I’m no different than anyone else.
Oh, here comes some customers. I’ll play some Metallica on my ukulele. Hey, look! I got a few new customers to come in. “You’re colorful!” “Yes, ma’am. What would you like to buy today? I specialize in the sweetest fruits in the county, maybe even in the whole country!” Come on, buy something. Anything. Just buy something, please? “I’ll buy a pound of apples.” “Sure, give me a moment.” Yes, I got a sell in the first hour! Oh, yeah, I’m gonna break even today! “Here you go, ma’am. Have a great day! Before you leave, what led you to my stall?” “You’re playing my favorite song.” “You have great taste!” “Thanks, have a great day!” “You too!”
Oh, no, one of the other farmers is coming over here. “Son, your music is too loud. Can you tone it down a bit?” What he means is, ‘could you stop playing your amazing music? The other customers can’t stand your amazing skills!’ “Sure thing!” These guys don’t understand the fun atmosphere. They’re just like the folks in the city. They just don’t get it. Ukulele metal rock is the best genre. I did it back in the ‘90s before it was cool. There weren’t any popular video websites back then. Now, there’s a guy who does it online and gets millions of views. People love it on there. It’s a shame my band broke up years ago. They all got corporate jobs, and I got my uncles farm. Oh well, life is what it is.
“Why are your fruits always the best ones here?” Here’s the new kid, Tommy. He can’t be older than 18 or 19. “That’s cause I give them fresh fertilizer and play them the best metal music on my ukulele and drums. They’re my best audience.” Tommy’s nodding. “Okay… I see.” He’s always been a good kid. It’s a shame his crops don’t grow so good. His grandpa died and left him the farm. Poor thing. Oh well, it’s time to get some more customers with these free samples and some sweet, quiet metal.
Well, the day’s over. I made a decent chunk of change. At least, it’ll keep the lights on. That poor kid. Tommy’s earnest, but his crops barely make him any money. “You always get the most… interesting customers. Excuse me for asking,” Aw, he’s embarrassed. He has that nervous smile that only a kid like him can make. “How do you get more customers? I mean everyone else, makes more money. But, your customers look like they’re having fun. I don’t get any customers, and most of my crops whither.” That poor kid. He needs someone to show him the ropes. “Have you asked any of the others?” He’s looking to the side towards them. They’re packing up for the day. “Yeah… they didn’t walk me through it. They just told me some things.” Oh well, I have nothing to lose helping him. I need to test him first. “What’s your favorite metal band?” The kid seems a little lost in thought, maybe I shouldn’t have given him such a deep question. “I like Avenged Sevenfold. They’re pretty good.” "A good choice. I think we can get along. I’ll check out your farm tomorrow.” “Wow! Thanks so much! How can I repay you?” I like this kid. “I’ll see. Let’s see what you need first.”
Well, he needed a little bit of everything. I showed him how to get the crops to grow. “Now for the most important part, you need to play music to them every day. It helps them know you want them to grow.” Aw, there he goes with that nervous smile again. “Well, I can’t play any instruments… but I can sing a little bit.” "Okay, let’s hear it." He’s taking a breath. Wait. What the…? Where was this kid when we started the band? Hell, he sounds better than any vocalist in the city. “Hey, have you ever thought about going pro?” He looks off to the side and laughs. This kid is so shy. “I don’t think I sound that great. My dad would be so pissed. He yelled at me for singing metal before. He said it was embarrassing him. He doesn't want his son to be a metal singer.” “How old are you?” “Um, I turned 19 a few months ago.” Let me give this kid some encouragement. “You’ve got talent. You can sing to the crops and with me.” What’s up with the wide eyes? “Wow! You’re an amazing drummer and ukulele player! I’ve heard you before. What a compliment!” Yep, like I thought. He’s a good kid. “See, this way, you can live here on the farmland and still sing. You ever thought about singing online?” There’s that shyness kicking in. “You think I’m good enough? I’m not flashy like those other guys. I mean, I’d fall into the background.” Heh. “Let me handle the ideas. You practice those vocals. Oh, and don’t over sing those platinum pipes. I need them for my comeback.” “I won’t let you down, sir!” “The first thing is to stop calling me ‘sir.’ Call me John.” “Okay… John!” He has a firm handshake. Yep, this is a good deal.
Our covers are getting a few thousand views each! That’s more people than I’ve ever played to in the city! I gotta tell him. “Hey, Tommy. People love your voice! We should make more videos!” I knew dressing him like me was a good idea. I’m glad he agreed to dye his hair, finally. “Are we opening our stalls together again? The crops have gotten bigger thanks to your help!” “Of course, Tommy! Since we joined up, we get three times the customers. We sell 15 times more than I ever have alone.” Tommy’s magical. I wish he knew how he’s been an excellent thing for me.
“Now there’s two of them.” “Yeah, I blinked and they multiplied. Yeah, like a virus.” Uh, those old farmers mean viral. It feels incredible to hold concerts in the city. We’re actually getting a bigger audience than I ever had alone.
FreeImages.com/Griszka Niewiadomski
“Hey, man! Long time, no see.” Oh, look! It’s our old singer. He’s tone deaf compared to Tommy. “Hey. What’s up with you these days?” He’s a suit now. “Well, I moved up in the company. I’m a supervisor now!” What the hell does he want? “Hey, I was thinking of getting the band back together.” That’s a laugh. Oh, here comes Tommy. “Excuse me, sir. Who are you?” “The best rock vocalist in the city.” Sure, and cow manure is gold. He’s gonna lie to this kid like he does to everyone. “Come on Tommy. It’s time to practice for our set.” Oh, he’s handing the kid his number and talking to him. Wow. You’re the same as ever. “Tommy! I need you over here!” “Coming right now, John.” Why is Tommy smiling like that? What the hell did he tell him? “He said he wanted to introduce me to someone in the industry!” Yeah, it's someone in the industry, all right. I bet it’s probably our old manager. Snakes slithering together. “Don’t listen to him, Tommy.” “Why? He seemed nice.” “Snakes always do.” Oh, look at Tommy. He looks surprised. What the hell did he tell him? “He said you two have some bad blood. That you’re using me for views.” Damn. Why did he have to put ideas in Tommy’s head? I’ll always hate him for that.
“You know, most of the comments say how they like my voice. They say I look good, too!” So what? “That’s cool, Tommy! Can we get ready now?” Why is Tommy looking at me like that? Oh no. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. You’re holding me back.” This is the first time in years I’ve dropped my drumsticks. I better not grab my ukulele. “Is that what you really think?” It’s time to sound fake surprised. I always knew it would come to this. It’s the reason most bands break up. This crap is so common that you could write a book on it. “Well, Tommy. I think we’re a team. A duo, you know?” Tommy’s shaking his head. It’s that damn snake’s ideas. I can’t wait to find him in a dark alley somewhere. “I’ll have to think about it. I’m gonna put a poll on the channel. Let the people decide.” “Fine.” I know it’s those young folks. His fangirls and fanboys, as he calls them. They’re gonna vote for him to go solo.
Well, we’re making the video. I can’t believe this is actually happening. “I think it might be time for us to go out and do our own thing. You know, independently.” Why is he sighing like that? He acted like it was a done deal the last time I talked to him. “Yeah, you guys decide the future of our band. Vote in the polls. We’ll keep them open for a week. Thanks for everything guys!” Well, all we have to do is wait.
He hasn’t spoken to me at all this week. We even have separate stalls on opposite sides of the market. Oh, well. You tried again, John. Nothing good ever happens to you. Time to sing to the crops again. At least they like me. We finally agreed to meet up to check the results. We’re going to do one of those live reaction videos.
“Oh, my God!” I’m frozen. How could this happen? “Most of you want us to stay together? Like 70 percent of you! Let’s read the comments. ‘Tommy, you’d disappear into the crowd without John.’ ‘I can’t believe you guys want to break up! I listen to you guys every day!” Hell, I can’t hold back the tears. “Rocker Dude4lyfe said ‘John you’re gonna be good whatever you do. But, you guys are awesome together. Put out an album instead of doing this.” Tommy’s crying now. Most of the comments were positive. They need us together. “John, I’m sorry.” Wow! He’s hugging me now. “Thank you, guys!" "Thank you!” I guess we can't do anything but thank them. “We love you guys! We’ll put out a cover album. We’ll put out some original material soon!” Some of the people in the comments are saying they’re crying and posting the crying emoji.
Well, we’ve made enough from our third album to leave the farms behind. We’ve been on tour, met some of the bands we love. “Are you guys going to leave the farm life?” We both shrug at the podcast interviewer. “No, ma’am.” Tommy always has that innocent voice. “We’re ukulele metal farmers for life!” Hey, why leave our best audience? No matter what happens, the crops will always love our music.
Written with StackEdit.