Rai

Rai sat at her computer, and almost as soon as she signed in Cowboy messaged her.
"Hey Wild Filly, what’s up?" he wrote.
"Not much." she wrote back. "I was just out to meet with my
publisher."
"Yeah and how did that go?" Cowboy replied.
"It was good, he wants to publish my story when it is finished." said Rai.
"Oh cool,” Cowboy wrote. "Well I have to go into town, but call me tonight you have my
number." he said.
"Ok later," responded Rai.

     Later that evening after a short nap Rai lay on her bed. She was thinking about the past five 
days when she had first met cowboy. They had shared photos of each other. It was instant
attraction. She was a beautiful fifty year-old woman with long thick dark hair and blue green 
eyes. He was forty-eight a rugged handsome man with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. She 

could hardly wait to call him, somehow she knew that phone call was going to change
everything. Right now they were only asking the usual questions on the Internet getting to know
each other.

      The anticipation was building as Rai went about her apartment tiding up, she was supposed

to call at ten and it was already nine forty-five. She kept busy and every couple minutes she
checked the time, at two minutes to ten she picked up the phone she waited as the seconds
ticked by. He picked up on the second ring.
" Cowboy here," he said.
for a couple seconds Rai could not say a word. His voice was like molten lava flowing through
her veins.
" Hey," she finally breathed
" How are you?" he asked.
" I am good," she replied.
" That’s nice," he said. "Well what made you message me?" He wanted to know.
" I liked your profile," said Rai. "But it took me a while to finally message you."
" How come?" he asked?
Rai replied. " I saw in your profile that you wanted a woman younger then fifty, but I
took a chance that you would answer back. "How come you answered me anyways?"
she asked.
" I read your profile and I liked it," he said. "Especially your user name Wild Filly. May I call
you that?" he asked?
" Sure," said Rai.

    They chatted for a while about what they would like in a partner. Every time he spoke
his voice sent shivers down her spine. 
   " Hey Filly I like the sound of your voice," he said softly. "It sounds so sweet."
   " Thank you," she whispered.

The next morning Rai felt a little guilty about the night before.
" What must he think of me?" she wondered. She sat at her computer ready to do some
writing when she saw Cowboy sign in.
" Hey good morning Wild one!" he wrote.
" Hey Cowboy," she wrote back. "I am sorry about last night for letting myself get carried away.
Saying those things .I should know better and not let myself lose control like that."
Even from a long distance you are potent! Sometimes it is the forbidden that draws us, but I think
it was the molten lava 'your voice' that did it."
"Hey," Cowboy wrote.
"Should I keep calling you Cowboy or big Buck?" Rai wrote.
"Cowboy is fine." he wrote back

   The intimate phone calls continued and the Internet messages were just as intimate. 
   Rai found herself falling in love with that wild cowboy. She could not keep him out of her mind.    
  Her writing was almost non-existent because she could not focus. Her publisher kept calling 
  and asking when she would have her manuscript ready, but she ignored the messages. 
  She was beginning to wonder how Cowboy felt about her.
 
     It was a Saturday morning around ten when Rai sat at her computer, She saw that cowboy
was already signed in. 
    "Hey wild thing!" she wrote. 
    "Hey Filly!" he responded. 
    "What’s up," she asked.
    " Nothing," he wrote. 
    "You nut cake!" she responded. 
    "What do you want me to say after the way you treat me? Huh?" he asked. 
    "The way I treat you?  What about the way you treat me?"
    "You're a bit of a sass maniac?" Wrote Cowboy. "Oh man here we go again, I always have to 

Protect myself."
"Hmmm," responded Rai "you've got a wild one on your hands! Afraid of her or what? You
Want to settle for the lukewarm women?"
Cowboy responded, "I guess thats why I end up with the sassy ones, because I just get
that way myself."
" What sassy ones?" she asked. ‘You haven’t had sassy until you met me, Cowboy!"
" Well I didn't know that before, but I know now," he wrote back. "Well I've got to go, how about
tomorrow?" He asked.
" Yes," she wrote. "I'll be talking to you tomorrow."

     The passion between them continued Rai began writing poems again, she felt so inspired 
 by him. The first one was called Cowboy. It was a deep feeling poem almost a tragic love as if it 
 was foretelling their future. She told him how she was falling for him, but she knew that she had 
 already lost her heart to this wild Cowboy and he told her that he also had deep feelings for her. 
 Somehow Rai knew that even though he said he had feelings for her it was not the same. She 
 lived for the times they spoke. Than she noticed things seemed to change. It was like her 
 poems were coming true.

     Later that night after Rai signed in to her msn, cowboy was on.
     "Hey Filly!" he wrote.
    ."Hey Cowboy!" she responded, "What’s up?"
     "Not much yet," he wrote.
     "What’s happening to you tonight?" she wrote back. "See some little fillies out there tonite, 
 thats got you all wired?" 
     "I don't know," he wrote.
     "Don't know what?" she asked.
     " What happened," he responded.
     " Well can't be me, I wasn't talking to you," she wrote.
     "Yes you are," he wrote back.
     "Now, but only writing, you can't hear my voice," she wrote.
     "Not yet!" he responded.
     "What do you mean not yet?" she wrote.
     "I am not hearing it yet," he wrote back.
     "I am totally tired, sorry," she wrote.
     "OK, goodnight Filly!         
     "Hey don't be like that," she responded.
     "Well but we need real sleep, no?" he asked.
     "What do you mean real sleep?" she wrote
     "You know what I mean!" he wrote back.
     "Oh Cowboy we are going have to learn how to sleep without, well you know," Rai wrote 
 "We're not together and may never be." Her gut was wrenching has she wrote those words. "It is 
 only teasing ourselves."
     "Yes it is," he wrote
 Rai continued. "The way things are I don't think there is a future for us. You may never want 
 anything like that with me and my heart is to involved right now. It is a tender thing Cowboy."
      " I am trying to understand that Filly," he wrote.
      " Even has I write this I can not stop the tears,” she continued
      " Well I hope you will have a peaceful sleep," Ok? He responded
 By now Rai was sobbing as if her heart would break as she continued to write. 
      "I hate it when things become so final when I want so much to bury my face in your neck 
 and hang on tight." 
     " I think we need to talk about this tomorrow," he wrote.
     " Sure if you really want to," she responded.
     " Yes please," he replied.
     " Ok tomorrow, sweet dreams Cowboy. Kiss goodnight
     " Night, kiss," he wrote back.

        The next day Rai went on to check her email and see if cowboy was on it was 2 30pm he 
    wasn't on. She did some work at her poems and kept checking to see if he was on. 
    Finally at 4 40pm he acknowledged her hellos.
      " Hi Filly!" he wrote.
      " Hey!" she responded.
      " Whats up?" he asked
      " Nothing," she wrote.
      " You wanted to talk to me, yes?" he wrote back.
      " About?" she asked
      " I don't know, you would know. Something from last night," He responded.
      " Thats ok, I've made my decision. You get my email?" she asked
      " Have not checked it yet, hang on." he wrote. "Yeah, ok.  I've read it," he continued, "and 
   no I am not ignoring you or I would not have talked to you now, but I am not on the computer 
   just because I turn it on so I can use it later. Sometimes you read a lot more into things than 
   they really are. I told you that I do not want to be mean to anyone, let alone someone that I 
   have adored."
       "Perhaps," she wrote back, but I don't think this can go on any longer because I can see 
   myself really getting hurt down the road."
       "And you know what?" he responded, "I can understand that and respect it. Ok, Rai?
   
      ' Oh, Cowboy, Cowboy,' she thought, 'I want you to just say you love me and nothing else
   matters,'  Instead she replied, " I don't want your respect Cowboy, I did not message you for
   that the first night, but I guess my intuition tells me that you will not want me soon. That you will 
   be trying to rekindle an old flame. I've learned a long time ago that most old flames are better
   left in ashes."
      "Well," He wrote. "That gives me a lot to think about, for sure Filly."
      " Well somehow I don't think this is going to hurt you has much has it is hurting me, Cowboy."
      " This isn't easy for me girl," He replied.
      " I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you in anyway," She wrote." You have meant more to me
   than anyone I have ever known but I can not handle anymore pain. I did not know that I
   would ever care about someone so much, but you sure walk in my soul Cowboy."
      " I am deeply moved by that," he wrote. "What can I say?"
     
      Oh Cowboy, she thought, just say you love me and can't live without me, But she 
   wrote. " If I ever have the good fortune of even coming close to meeting someone like you
   again, I will make sure he is ready and that he do not have old flames to rekindle, he will be
   totally free as I am."
     "Well," he wrote. " I am free at this point, fact remains though at this point in my life I just 
   need to hold off on everything period, and for no bad reason on your behalf. Just today I told
   a friend of mine the soul power that you have within you, and I have not even met you yet."
      "You really told a friend about me?" she asked. "I thought I was perhaps just a dirty secret
   that you didn't want anyone to know about. I am truly sorry for thinking that way."
      " Hey no problem," he replied.
      " Yaw it is Cowboy. I should have known better," she wrote. "But it is nice to think that you
   wanted to share me with your friend. I will not forget that."
       " Yaw, I guess you did not understand me," he wrote. Well and we are somewhat distanced."
       " I know," she replied. 'But there are men overseas in the army who stay true to their 
   girlfriends. Love knows no boundaries Cowboy."
       " Yes that is true," he wrote.
       " There are more to love than touch, taste or feel," she responded. "It is the bonding of two
   spirits," she continued, ' you and I should know that, of all people, we are special people in that
   we feel with our souls and spirits. We don't have to be close to each other, to feel smell and
   probably even taste each other. I know that is true for me."
        " Well you have a lot of heart and soul in you Rai,” he wrote. "I know that all too well."
        " Well I guess I will have to go, we'll talk later." wrote Rai.
       
   The next morning Rai sat at her computer to do some more writing when cowboy signed in.
        " Good morning Filly," he wrote.
        " Hey Cowboy," she responded.
        "There is something I need to tell you," he wrote.
  A sinking feeling started in the pit of Rai's stomach, she knew this was it, he was gonna say 
  goodbye. "Ok, tell me,” she replied. 'But please be gentle.'
        " I am going to put us on friends only status," he replied. " I am just going to take a break.
  No girls for sometime for me," he continued. "Nothing against you though."
        " Ok, that means no phone calls, right?" she wrote.
        " Yes, I guess so," he responded.
        " Friend status is friend status," she wrote back. " I am cool with that."
        " I appreciate that thanks," he responded.
        " Cowboy I would love to have you has a friend," she wrote. "Who knows maybe we will meet 
  someday and find that we want to be together!"
        " That could very well be," he wrote back. "Well I hope you have a very wonderful day."
        " You to Cowboy," Responded Rai.
  After Rai went offline that sinking feeling would not leave her.

  The next few days went by slowly with not a word from Cowboy. Whenever Rai signed online
  Cowboy was either offline or signed to away. He did not respond to her hellos. Her heart was
  breaking. 'How could he be so insensitive?' she thought. Some nights she cried herself to 
  sleep. 

  One evening she sat at her desktop trying to decide if she should write or not when
  she saw Cowboy sign in.
         " Hey Cowboy," she wrote.
         " Hey filly!" he wrote back. "What’s up?"
         " Not much," she responded. "Hey," she continued. "You have not been on for a while,
 where were U?"
         " Oh I had some things I had to take care of," he wrote.
         " I don't think this just friends status is going to work,” she wrote. "How can a person go
 from what we had to just friends?"
         "Well what can I say?" he responded.
         " Cowboy you are the only man who has totally turned me inside out, rubbed my senses,
 and I can not even delete your msn or hotmail. It would be like getting rid of a piece of myself."
         " Wow, what can I say," he wrote.
         " You don't have to say a darned thing!" she wrote.
         " Ok then I will just listen," He responded.

         "Well here goes nothing," wrote Rai. "What do I have to lose? There is nothing that can
   be done about it, so it's like this. I never in my imagination, 'which can be pretty active,' 
   thought that I would fall in love with someone just by communicating on internet or telephone.
   specially with a playboy like yourself. You did not only play with my emotions. You played
   with my heart,soul,and spirit. I was so torn when I fully realized that it wasn't going to go any 
   further.  My heart may be broken but I will not allow anyone to break my spirit!" Rai's anger 
   was evident as she continued. "I am who I am because no matter what, I am still strong and like
   heck will I ever let something like this happen again! The other person will be the one hurting 
   not me! I can play a good game if I put my mind to do it! So what can you say to that or are 
   you still stuck for words!?
        " Well," Cowboy wrote. "This is very serious. I can say I am sorry for having hurt you Rai.
   This was not my intention, but it did happen and it is not right. You are a wonderful lady and
   you deserve a good man. I hope you will find one, time may be of the essence here. I am also
   hoping to find the right one. I know I need to be patient which I struggle with."

   Oh Cowboy, Rai thought. Why can't I be the right one, but instead she wrote. " You had no
    freaking  business putting your profile on a dating site if you knew you were still hung up on an
    eight year liaison! There are still good women out there like me who can get hurt. You 
    should not have been so stupid!
        "You may say whatever you want to me now," responded Cowboy. "I will listen once."
        " This is why women can't trust," wrote Rai. "Because of irresponsible guys like you!
    And then you wanted sex! I know I did it but it was against my bitter judgment, but once
    I started I could not stop. I was going deeper, I should have known, I blame myself a lot
    because I should have been smarter. I find it so hard to stop thinking about you. You're like a
    disease that I can not get rid off. I have cried more tears since I met you than I have cried 
    over any man. You are right it is not fair!  It is too bad that I thought I was the one!
    Pretty dumb huh? To think that Mr. Cowboy would ever consider wanting me!  Well what do
    you have to say Cowboy!?
         "Well this is hard stuff," he responded. "It makes me think a lot. I have not been careful 
    of what I am doing. So I have done wrong. I will need to ask your forgiveness.
         "I think I have forgiven you a long time ago," wrote Rai. "but it still doesn’t make the hurting 
   go away. Sometimes I wonder why I let myself be taken in like that. It was has much my fault 
   has yours cause I should have been more careful. Now I have to feel all this pain and pray my 
   heavenly father can forgive and hold me in His loving arms cause He has gotten me through 
   so much in the past."
          "Well," wrote Cowboy. "I like seeing the faith you have and rely on. We both need to do 
   that.
          "Yeah, that’s true," Rai responded. "But I do need to ask your forgiveness for those  
   things I said."
           " That’s ok," he wrote. " I am probably to blame for the most of it. You are right. I should
   have never put my profile on any dating site if I wasn't ready."
           " Well I need to ask your forgiveness," she wrote back. "Because after today I will not be
   chatting with you for sometime. I need to heal, but I will keep you on my msn."
           "Ok Filly," Cowboy responded. " Whatever is good for you, but I will miss you though.
           " Me to, Cowboy, me to." she wrote. "Goodbye."
           
           The days went by slowly for Rai. She rededicated herself to God asking His forgiveness
    for the way she behaved while knowing Cowboy. She began chatting to others on the site 
    and one day she received a message from a man who was ten years younger than herself. 
    He was so taken by her profile he introduced himself has Skylar.
    They chatted for weeks getting to know each other. He was so sweet, caring and gentle. 
    Rai felt safe and truly loved by him because he had declared his love for her. 
    He lived in the states but was willing to come to Canada to meet her.
    He was also a missionary and that intrigued Rai because she had always wanted to go into the 
    missionary field, helping the homeless. So they set up a time to meet.
          Finally when he was supposed to arrive she waited at the airport for him and then she 
    saw him coming down  the escalator. He looked exactly as he did in the pictures he sent 
    her, tall and handsome. Her heart skipped a beat has he recognized her. She walked towards 
    him, and standing a couple feet apart they just stared at each other. Then they both took the 
    couple steps that separated them. 
    She wrapped her arms around him has he enfolded her. Her tears began flowing down her 
    cheeks and as she pulled back a bit and saw the tears in his eyes she knew without a doubt 
    why her and Cowboy would never have been together. This godly man in front of her was the 
    one she was meant to be with.

        They were in his motel room talking about the goodness of God and how He had brought 
   them together. He proposed to her right there and then and she accepted. They both knew this 
   was real. He stayed a week at the motel and they spent every waking hour together. He made 
   no sexual advances towards her because they had both made a promise to God to wait until 
   their wedding night. It was kind of hard though because the kissing and the holding was very 
   passionate.   
         The time came and Skylar had to go back to the States to do business while Rai
  stayed behind and made wedding plans. She was on her computer one day when she saw 
  Cowboy sign in. Then she remembered a conversation they had where she had asked him 
  would he take photographs of her wedding if she ever found someone to marry and he said 
  he would. It had been seven months since she had spoken to him, she wondered if he would 
  message her back. It was worth a try because he had told her he was a photographer and she 
  had seen some of his work and it was good.
         " Hey, Cowboy!" she wrote. "What’s up?"
         " Hey Filly!" he responded. " Not much, and you?"
         " Well that’s why I messaged you," she wrote." remember when I asked you if you would 
  take photos of my wedding if I ever met someone and married?"
          " Yes," he wrote. "Are you getting married?"
          " Yes I am," she wrote back.
             Then she proceeded to tell him everything that had happened since she had spoken 
 with him last. 
           " It is the will of God," she wrote.
           " Yes and I will be happy to do your photo shoot for you," He responded.
           " Thanks Cowboy." she wrote. "But we won't be able to meet and discuss things until
  my wedding day because I have so many other things to do. A month is not a long time to plan 
  a wedding."
           " That’s ok I am good at working under pressure,” He wrote
           " Thanks, see you than," she replied.
   
            The month proved to be hectic with all the running around and some of Rai's family
    living  in different parts of the province, which made it harder to connect. Skylar returned from
    the States and she had one of her family to put him up until the wedding. Finally her wedding 
   day arrives, and Rai had her bridesmaids at her apartment helping her to get ready when the
   doorbell rang, Kathy her maid of honor answered the door.
   It was no mistaking the male voice. Rai walked out of her bedroom and slowly descended the    
  stairs towards the sexiest man she ever laid eyes on. He was standing near the door,  he looked
   up and suddenly leaned against the door as if about to fall he held on to the knob with one hand.
  She was a vision has she walked towards him. 
 The dress was a plain white with pink rosebuds all down the front and a little bolero jacket. 
  On her head was a small cowboy hat with pink rosebuds imprinted around the band and a little
  veil attached
  to the back of it that seemed to float behind like a gossamer cloud. Peeking from underneath 
  her dress were little white cowboy boots embroidered with pink stitching. Cowboy's face had
  grown a little pale has he watched her. She walked up to him reached up one hand and touched 
  his face.
             " Hi Cowboy," she whispered.
  He caught her hand and pulled her to him in a big hug.
             " Hi Filly," he whispered back.
  She pulled back and looked at him. Blue eyes looking into blue eyes. They were both silent for 
  few seconds. Then Rai began telling him what she wanted.
              The time came for them to go too the church, when Rai realized she had no one to give 
  her away. Then she mentioned it to Cowboy and he said he would do it. So that was settled. 
  They arrived at the church and Rai began her slow march into the future. As her eyes focused 
  on the precious man waiting at the alter for her she knew she had made the right choice this 
  time.

  It was a week after her honeymoon and Rai was going through the TV channels while waiting
  for her husband to come back with a movie and some pizza. A news channel caught her eye or
  rather the man. It was a picture off Cowboy. She turned up the volume and the voice off the 
  newscaster was very serious has she related the tragic news. Apparently Cowboy had run into
  a dead-end brick wall on his bike. He was taken to the hospital where an hour later he had died.
  Rai did not hear anymore. The remote fell from nerveless fingers has she slid from the couch to 
  the floor. Great wrenching sobs broke from her lips.
            " No, no, no," she cried, has blinding tears filled her eyes and ran down her face. " No
  no, Cowboy, noooo!"
  She got to her feet and went and sat down at her computer. Hoping there was some mistake,
  that it was some cruel joke. Wanting to see Cowboy on there. She signed in and then his msn 
  window popped up.
            Yes, she thought. It was a joke.
   But she saw that she had gotten an offline message. Has she begun to read her heart sank. It
   began.
            "Hi Filly," it was a pleasure doing your photo shoot. I never realized how beautiful you 
   are. But it wasn't so much the physical beauty as the beauty that came from within. When I 
   looked into your face I saw a glow that is not off this world. You are truly a child off God, and to
   think that I myself had tried to play with someone such has yourself. The gentleness I saw in
   your eyes and no condemnation for me only love. Yes, I saw that and I know you really did love 
   me but I also saw the way you looked at your husband, in a way you could never look at me. It 
   was an whole different love altogether. I also saw a little bit of that wildness. I know some 
   people would mistake it for something bad, but it is a gift. A gift of being able to be 
   adventurous enough to try the unknown and that can be a good thing cause we need that 
   sometimes to survive this world." The tears were pouring down Rai's face has she read on.
             " Filly has I walked you down that isle I wanted to say, "stop this is a mistake she 
   belongs to me," but it took all my strength to restrain myself. You were right I was stupid to go 
   on that dating site. And I was even more stupid not to see the love you had for me. Maybe
   this is the way it should be, but I can not get your sweet face out of my mind. You haunt my 
   dreams by night and my thoughts by day. I am sorry my Wild Filly but I cannot go on 
   like this. 
             "Oh no, nooo Cowboy," sobbed Rai. 'No, no, no."
    But she continued to read on.
             "Please forgive me for what I am about to do, but I can not live without you.
    Knowing that there was a possibility that you and I could have been together tears me up
    inside. Remember when I told you I nearly died when I lost my ex?  Well this is totally different
    I have never felt a love like this. Please understand, that to live a lifetime without you is an
    unbearable thing. So I will now say goodbye one last time. Goodbye my Wild Filly and keep
    that spirit wild it will take you places. The Cowboy!

                Once again gut-wrenching sobs broke from Rai's lips.
             " Oh God!" She cried." Why, why, why?  He was your child also!"
     She managed to sign out off her msn and slump back onto the couch. Skylar found her 
     an half hour later, laying there staring into space. He laid down the pizza and rushed too
     her side.
                "What is it?" He asked.
                " It's my fault!" She began to sob again. "It's my fault!"
                " What’s your fault?" Asked Skylar.
      Rai no longer able to keep her secret told her husband everything. He looked at her with 
      such love and compassion. 
                 " Baby we all make stupid mistakes, but this is not your fault. Cowboy had his own 
      free will and he made his choice. You said he did not die instantly, so he had a chance to 
      ask for forgiveness.
                  Yes, thought Rai. He had a chance and knowing Cowboy he took it!
       She looked at her sweet husband and gave him a tear filled smile.