The War On Christmas

"The War On Christmas"

“He just marched in and fell down on his bunk,” Tili the elf began. “Hasn’t said a word. He’s been staring at the wall.” Rili thanked him and opened the door to the worker’s dorm. Gili sat, his legs curled up to his chest, rocking back and forth, staring at the wall in the half-lit room.

“Hey Gili,” Rili said. He stepped inside the dorm and pulled up the blinds. “Heard you weren’t feeling too good. What’s wrong?”

Gili said nothing. He continued staring, his elvish eyes a shade of absence, black circles hanging beneath them.

Rili stepped forward and put a hand on Gili’s shoulder. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, Gili,” he said. “What’s wrong? What’s the matter?”

Gili turned his head to Rili, as if noticing him for the first time. The light slowly returned to his eyes. “What’s wrong?” Rili asked again.

“You won’t believe what I caught Santa doing…” Gili whispered.

---

Rili stormed out of the dorm, Tili chasing his heels down the shoddy hallway to the creaky elevator. “Well?” Tili asked. “What did he say? I heard him whispering.”

“We need to get a hold of Rudolph. Now,” Rili said.

“What? Rudy? What’s the matter?” Tili asked, the nervousness building in his voice.

“Do you still remember how to use a cane spear?” Rili asked.

“A cane spear? We haven’t used one of those in a thousand years…”

“I want every able bodied elfman and elfwoman out in front of the workshop, armed with a cane spear at sundown.” Rili smashed the elevator call button repeatedly.

“That’s crazy,” Tili said. “What’s happening?”

The elevator doors opened and Rili, foreman and village chief of the Northern Elves entered. “Santa’s dead,” he said.
“And the Cold has claimed him.”

The elevator closed. Tili collapsed to his knees. “My god,” he
whispered out loud. “It can’t be.”

The darkness of the hallway terrified him. Indeed, it seemed to call to him. Begging him to wander inside of it. Tili, for the briefest moment, heard a sound that, despite not seeing it, instinctively conjured an image into him mind. Of a skull, laughing.

---

Rudolph drew the arrow, firing it into the target. It flew straight enough, but landed just outside the rim. He swore, trying to load the bow again. But the booze was rising hard, now. And he fumbled with the arrow and it landed on the snow. “Damn this piece of shit,” he mumbled. “God damn elvish piece of shit.”

“Suppose it’s not a good time,” Rili said, wandering in from the frost clouds of the Northern Plains. “Not happy with our trinkets?”

“An elf couldn’t make a proper train or sleigh, let alone a bow and arrow.” Rudolph spat on the ground. “What business have you with me, little one?”

“The Cold has returned,” Rili said. “It’s consumed Claus. The wife is missing as well. Darkness settles upon the city.”

“And you expect my help?” Rudolph asked, lighting a cigarette. “You think the deers have any skin in this game?”

“I do,” Rili said, fixing his boo-bit-y cut-sy red hat against the frigid arctic winds. “I’ve called my elves people for the fight. Ordered them out in spears. We’re storming Claus’ manse at sundown in hopes to catch him off guard. He’s consuming us, Rudy. Eating elfmen and elfwomen both. Like little gingerbread people.”

“Yeah, well that’s not my problem.” Rudolph picked up his bottle of vodka, staring at the picture of his long dead deerwife. “It’s yours.”

“What happened to you, Rudy?” Rili asked. “You used to be something. A leader of your people. And now look at you. Lost in grief over a deer that cared for you not.”

Rudy guzzled more of the vodka, his red nose beginning to illuminate a hint of ruby light. “What do you know?” Rudy shouted, his eyes narrow in anger. “What does an elf know about love?”

“Enough to fight for it, Rudy. We need you. We need you and the deers.”

“The deers…are gone.” Rudy looked away, chugging the vodka and wandering off into the snow.

“I know you, Rudy!” Rili called after his old friend. “And this isn’t you!”

Rudy hesitated, his outline fading against the coming snows, before running off. Rili followed him as far as he could before the snows consumed him.

My countination

When Rili returned to Santa's house, he did not believe his eyes. Surrounded by other elves, an unfamiliar deer stood near the house. He spoke with a French accent and was somewhat... stylish.

"I am looking for my distant relative, Monsieur Rudolph," said the deer. "Many years ago our paths parted. He always wanted to work with Santa and for me... I was attracted to a warm climate. So I ended up in France. Oh, pardon me, I forgot to introduce myself - Deer Arman!” he said with the slight bow, “Incidentally, I'm the official logo of the perfume from the house of Lior. Where can I find Rudolph?”

“I am afraid, this won’t be impossible, - Rili answered. “You cannot meet with Rudolf. Not now anyway. He has some … mmm … problems.”

“Problems? Oh, Mon Dieu, what could have happened to Rudy? When we last spoke, he was as happy as a whistle - after all, his dream came true. He was Santa's deer.”

“Before this Christmas, we’ve met some big pr... challenges,” Rili said. “But we can be saved... by a deer. Better yet, by four deer.”

“Four? There are hundreds of caribou in the Northern plains”

"The thing is... deer are gone and we have a problem with Santa. It is necessary to save Christmas, because otherwise “winter is coming”, the real one.”

“Merde!” - Arman mumbled thoughtfully. “You mean it is necessary somehow to bring gifts to all children without deer and without Santa?”

“In short, you are correct,” Rili said, “This happens rarely, maybe once in a hundred years, but it does happen. When we failed it the last time, people slightly lost faith and the Great Depression happened. Armand … You are the only one who can save us!”

“Mon Amie, I am, of course, a first-class deer, but... where have you seen Santa Claus sled being pulled by just one deer?”

“Truth be told … this did happen once," Rily answered timidly. "There was a crisis back then. It was a tough Christmas, but we managed. Only a couple of boys didn’t get the gifts and alas ... They grew up and became the dictators.”

“Thinking about it,” - Arman said. “I could have pulled the sled to France, and there... I have some cousins in Provence. This, however, doesn't solve the main problem. What kind of Christmas is without Santa?”

“It is necessary to find someone who can replace him,” Rili told. “Just in case - I will put his suit and a fake beard in a sled. Who knows, maybe we'll come up with something on the way there.”
Arman shook his head and uttered a long swearing word, which spoken in French still sounded elegant.

---

Late on Christmas Eve, Santa's sled landed in the middle of an animal reserve in Provence. Exhausted, Arman collapsed to the ground, trying to catch a breath. Surprised animals peeked carefully from behind bushes and trees.

With a bee-like buzzing, a small magical creature flew out of the grove and began carefully investigate harnessed in sled elves. The creature looked like a naughty gnome. It only had wings behind its back and could fly.

"I cannot believe it! Santa's sled at our latitude?! A ha-ha-ha!“ the surprised creature roared with laughter.

"Exactly," Rili nodded frostily. "We're looking for deer, Arman's cousins. Who might you be?”
Arman tried to insert a word, but the creature overtook him.

“What do you mean, who? I am well-known to all France mischievous fairy Shishka!” answered the creature.

“The dark fairy” Armand finally uttered.

“Light or darkness – it all the same to me!” Shishka laughed. “I like to arrange fireworks and make people's heads turn! Tr-rya-yam!”
Rili and the rest of the elves looked at each other.

“What if?..” Rili asked

“No,” Gili objected, “don’t even think about it!”

“But in all probability, in the next hour, we won’t find anybody better for that role” Rili insisted.

Elves cast a tentative and evaluative look at fairy Shiska

"Um..." Rili began. "Dear fairy, could you do us a huge favor? If anything, it isn’t a pro bono work... We can pay you in lollipops and cookies.”

“But, I do not work!” solemnly declared fairy Shishka with pride.

“Could you be Santa today?” asked Gili. “This is a question of life and death!”

---

The sled flew high above the ground, under an intricate pattern of the starry sky.
That’s it! We are done with California! Now only Alaska remained and then home! - Rili solemnly proclaimed.

“I cannot do it anymore!” Fairy Shishka tried to catch a breath, lying in the sled. “I would never have thought that this was so difficult to get through these fireplaces!”

“You’ve done an excellent job!” Rili encouraged, “chimneys only broke twice...”

"And I roasted my buns five times! No, I don't want to be Santa anymore! Now I understand why the real Santa quit!”

"He didn't quit. It was absorbed by the cold,” Rili said.

"What?" exclaimed Fairy Shishka. "Will this cold absorb me as well for working with you today?

"No," Tili said. "We saved Christmas - and now the cold will retreat. Santa will revive and Rudolf will stop drinking.”

“Is Rudi drinking?” Arman exclaimed.

“Arman, don’t get distracted, or else we will miss Alaska and will end up in Russia!” Rili exclaimed.

“Still, in order for the cold to definitely retreat, we have to give Alaska its due diligence!” Gili said. “Come on, Shishka, get up! We are approaching Juneau!”

---

"Rudy, promise me you would never drink vodka again!” – spreading on soft moss, Arman was drinking green tea, skillfully prepared by elves.

“Never! - Rudolph answered lowering his eyes. “I was so wrong. I thought all the deer were gone and no one else would get involved except for me. I started thinking that nobody needed my service, and I was so old, lonely, and unnecessary... How great that you came to see me... Arman… and saved Christmas - it was my job, and I almost let everyone down...”

“Everything is cool, mon amie!” Arman smiled, “Everyone might go through difficulties. Even
Santa. But look how happy he is now!”

A joyful Santa fed deer in the tree stand. The morning sun shone in the sky. Kids all over the World jumped happily under Christmas trees... Only the fairy Shishka snore loudly in Santa's bedroom on Ms. Claus' bed. She had a really rough night.

Thanks to @mgaft1 for the translate from Russian to English and for the illustration)