Short Reflexion IV
Yesterday I was reflecting on my own life. How I've lived until now. I began to realize that I'm in some way leaving my past behind me in such a manner that gives a feeling of non-attachment. It dawned on me when I couldn't remember the name of a friend who I haven't seen in just a year. Or when I realized that I've deleted movies I know I've watched, but I don't have recollection of the content. Instead of actually remembering things, I remember shells of things. Like being able to remember the existence of a person, but not knowing who that person is. Or knowing that there was a book that I read about a certain topic, but if I open it, everything would feel new again.
But I'm just 23. What will happen when I get to 30? Maybe 40? My memories will just be shells of things I know I knew, but they're gone. People, books, movies, experiences, all gone from the core. Just the memory of the memory. It makes me wonder if someone so empty can manage to make it past 30 and still live without wishing every day to jump off a bridge because the past is a collection of non-things. Perhaps I will solve this before it's too late. For now, the past is being drained from the inside.
I relate heavily to what you're referring to.
Perhaps it has something to do with this.
https://steemit.com/life/@thegreatomski/thoughts-on-neuroplasticity
In any case, find solace in knowing the shadows and residual smells of memories and experiences once clear still linger as reminders of a life lived.
Imagine the clutter of a mind that lets go of nothing. Perhaps some can handle it but my brain feels noisy as it is. At least we keep the shell memories as trophies and memorabilia.
Anyway, best regards and happy Steeming! Thanks for writing.
I don't know what to think when my brain prunes the name of a friend. I'm trying to move more towards a life in which yesterday doesn't matter. My only fear is reaching a point of void feeling which pushes me over. Sometimes I want to find purpose, but instead of purpose I find excuses.
Until now my best solution is to assume I'm not here. Before I know it, I'll be on my death bed, devoid of regrets.
@ofrbg I'm an old man, age is not a bad thing and facing the after life is a transition to be welcomed.
However I am not racing to leave this flesh suit, I have patience and joyful experiences.
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your post.
Thanks Ron. The issue I'm posing is maybe a little less about dying itself, more than living an empty life. What I realized is that I'm beginning to forget both joyful and sad memories. I only remember they were there, but I can't say anything beyond that. I wonder that by the time I reach your age, if I do, I will still have anything to cherish.
@ofrbg always there are experiences to cherish - some effort may be required to intentionally focus on that.
I have forgotten more than some young have experienced - then when I meditate and focus many forgotten memories return and I can cherish those who have already gone beyond the fleshsuit or I may cherish some many seasons past great romance.
What I am saying is to consider the importance of focused intentions and self-awareness. Challenge yourself to discipline your attention to your thoughts and feelings, there are great rewards from doing that, regardless the years.
I think you should look into the relationship between memory and personal identity in the realm of philosophy. It might give you some insight. The past may be valuable.
I am my memory, but what happens when the memory is gone?
Dude, what happened to you?