Anniversary, a Suffocation
scraps of script
steal breath and bend time
then go back in a drawer.
one year down, all the rest to go
Eight years ago and just moments after I came across a note my husband once penned, I wrote that poem. It was the first anniversary of his death from ALS.
This is the beginning of the freewrite. Truth be told, I didn't have time to set the timer.
Yesterday I had just finished my entry to @mariannewest's freewrite prompt "suffocate" when FB showed this old poem to me as one of my memories. I had completely forgotten yesterday was the anniversary of my husband's death until that moment. As you can see, I am conflicted on this issue of his passing. I am failing at the grieving process. I suppose I felt suffocated that day. Now today I feel a little suffocated too.
I got the three of swords in a #tarottuesday by @traciyork card reading on Tuesday. I've never gotten this card before, but it stole my breath. Three swords stabbing a sky-born and bleeding red red heart-shaped heart. I had no trouble choosing among those three cards.
Here's a free-ishwrite haiku, mizu no oto style:
please sorrow
loosen your grip
on my breath
.
I need to remember that I am my own monument. Sometimes I forget.
End of freewrite of loosey goosey timing but it was long enough and not too long.
This is my entry to the weekend single prompt option "suffocate". https://steempeak.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/weekend-freewrite-7-27-2019-single-prompt-option
I entered one for Thursday's prompt too, but it was just a lead in to this. The best kind of freewrite, one that just bursts out.
The image is a detail of a portrait of me painted by the incomparable Lydia Viscardi.
Goosebumps. Sometimes I will have deep dreams about my dad (he passed 5 years ago) - and I will wake and think he is still alive for a split second, then I come to and have to come to terms with it again. Happens rarely these days but still does.
Yes, I am always aware of the presence of those who have died. It's as if they never left really. That sounds trite, but it's true. I still talk to my dad when I am driving, and my mom when I am very sad. My hubby was much more complicated, and that is who inspired this post. I really appreciate your support on it, this post means a lot to me.
I not infrequently have dreams that my dad is still alive (he died a long time ago when I was 14; leaving me an orphan). Honestly, they are hard to deal with, as they feel so real. Waking up and realising it was all a dream can be shattering for a brief period of time. I'm getting close to age that my dad died, and I fear this is going to bring these dreams on even more. I honestly prefer to remember him while I'm awake than asleep.
Orphaned so young--my condolences!
I know that dream. My sister was missing for months, then found dead. To this day I dream that she is alive again. It wasn't her they buried (I suspected it all along! We weren't allowed to see the body). In the dream, I often say, "I've dreamed this so many times, and now it's real; now it's really happening." Then I wake up. It was only a dream. The subconscious can be so cruel!
That sounds terrible - it's hard enough to remember them while awake! I've been lucky I guess.
I wish you deep and restful sleeps!
Thanks @owasco, you too. :)
Now you and @revo have me thinking about how difficult it must be to wake from dreams of people who have died - to think they are alive for a moment and remember they are not must be terrible. I've been spared that.
Such a touching piece of writing. It's amazing what can flow from us when the time and circumstances are just right.
I think grief of separation of someone we have been so close to comes in waves. So that as we are alive to our present life we can breath more deeply into it and as we breathe more fully we can let the past have its place and let any sadness about it, gently melt way ~ So that all that remains are the beautiful memories/feelings and the closeness that was and will always be there will become even stronger. ♥︎♥︎⚖️♥︎♥︎
I'm sure eight years can sometimes feel like it was only a moment ago. I hope you can find some continued healing through the process of finding your breath again. 💚
I've learned the importance of a deep breath at tough times, each breath an instant healing. I'm breathing. thank you for your hope.
wow... this is a wonderful look back and tribute.
thanks for sharing this @traciyork on #pypt @pypt today!
!SHADE 1
Thanks for engaging with posts presented on PYPT
Hi dear I got goosebumps just reading and I have a inner voice or guiding spirit who is always right I have to listen to it or it goes wrong. So I do and I live with that safe feeling but just like @theycallmedan said I also have the dreams sometimes and I learned to embrace the moment and think about the one that died
I am sitting here crying because of the sufferings of those who dream about their loved ones and have to wake to knowing they are gone. I have been lucky in that way it seems; although I have lost a bunch of people, they haven't visited me in my dreams. To have them torn away again! Embracing the dreams seems like a good strategy, just letting them be with you again and be grateful. Is that possible?
I dont know , it works for me. The biggest fear was also a getting on a plane and crashing, now i think than i crash than its my time that helps me but being scared still is there
I hate flying, but I must. I especially hate it when my kids are in the air. We fly an airline that bought a bunch of those 737 max planes. Very scary!
Me too ever since i have the kids i have that !!!
I am so sorry for your loss, I find it hard to read to the end, I had to force myself.
Am here to also deliver the new prompt to you.
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https://steemit.com/neoxianpowercontest/@zaku/neoxian-silver-neoxag-power-contest-for-communities-or-or-10k-neoxag-power-or-or
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Do have a Blessed Sunday.
Thank you. I'm sorry it was difficult to read, it was "easy" to write. I guess I am getting ready.
Curated by @adsup and division of @adsactly.
Also, Kudos for @theycallmedan for bringing this to my attention.
Oh my thank you so much to both of you @adsactly (which I have JUST discovered) and especially @theycallmedan. And thank you for supporting this particular post, which is one that turned me inside out.
I believe that we never overcome mourning, we only learn to live with it, and with the absence of those we love.
We do learn to live with absences. It's odd how easy that can be; we wake up the next morning and have coffee and answer our emails. Then sometimes the grief swoops in and we swerve. (Swerve is not my word! @kimberlylane used it today, and I love the word.)
It is so strange the way we adapt to life without a person, although as you say we can act quietly or normally, until we simply remember and that is when we crumble like a sandcastle badly made in the face of a strong wind. I sometimes with my grandmother, and this year there are already 10 who is not with me!
What I've found with serious grieving is that it takes around 2 years to get over it enough to leave it behind somewhat and get on with life...
His death was very complicated for me, like no other. I've gotten on with parts of life though.
im just going to comment to complaing about you not using the palnet and creativecoin tags so i can upvote you and give you all the tokens you deserve!!!!!!
this post really speechless
Oh my goodness I usually use palnet I don't know why I didn't on this one! erg. Too much to remember to do!
But thank you. I feel this post has power. It's nice to know you thought so too.
let me know if you add the palnet tag so i can unvote to revote (? revote? is that a word? english is obviously not may main language sorry) is nice to see this kind of post in the platform so well written it shows the good content Steem has to offer so, it deserves more upvotes!
lol. This is my top earning post of all time! Thank you for appreciating it.