How to not be a writer

"Every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong. Everywhere."

― George Costanza, Seinfeld: The Opposite

When I was a kid in rural Germany I fantasized about being a famous soccer player. Then I got older and wanted to be a great martial artist. Like one of those fancy bald ones, posing on some remote mountain top while chasing enlightenment. Later I joined the German Army and tried to become a paratrooper. An attempt was made, but it wasn't for me. Like George ultimately all of my decisions went horribly wrong. Now I'm in my late thirties wearing a mustard stained wife-beater and no pants. The only illumination I'll ever receive comes from a chinese LCD screen glowing at me in total darkness. If you listen carefully you might hear a gentle hum in great distance. That's my computer.

Long story short: One of my more presistent delusions has been the somewhat idiotic idea of becoming a professional writer. I guess these days I'm willing to settle for just being "a" writer, but truth be told I'm probably not even that. Part of me knows people like myself shouldn't bother with the arts and really it's just a bad batch of missfiring plumber genes. On the other hand, I'm probably a world expert on procrastination and what not do. So hear me out and do the opposite:

Be a romantic

You should treat writing like a fashion statement. Some sort of lifestyle choice. Imagine yourself wearing a french beret, or maybe a black turtle neck (if you're feeling gaudy). Really, the idea of writing is more important than actually doing it. Concentrate on the hypothetical and realize how wonderful your future is going to be. You drifting through empty space, transversing the vastness of your own imagination while hammering away on some cool typewriter like Garth Marenghi. Author! Dreamweaver! That could be you, but it's already kinda late. Maybe tomorrow.

Believe in talent

There's no sense in trying to be something that you're not. Some have talent, some don't. If whatever you're doing isn't working out it's probably because you don't have talent. Simple as. No further discussion needed. Should anybody dare to say otherwise you thumb them right into the chest and prepare for a fist fight. Those are fighting words. Beyond that it's good form to sneer at the aspirations of lesser people. You didn't make it, why would they!? Stay in your lane, peasant.

Wait for permission

It's not complicated, but let me elaborate. If you're a kid who wants to play the guitar, just be patient. Mind your own business, stay behind your little school table and sit up straight. Smile! Nod along to the jibber-jabber and wait. There's no sense in sharing secret desires. One day someone will telepathically deduce your dream, hand you a guitar and be amazed! That said, nobody likes somebody who invites themselves to an orgy. Watch Eyes Wide Shut for reference.

Preperation, preperation, preperation!

I might've never finished a story, however I have hundreds of pages of random notes. Notes about the time when I was on a ketogenic diet and only ate boiled eggs. Notes on how much water I drink, random news, some borderline suicidal poems that might earn me a pair of grippy socks. Quotes, soundbites. I don't know, it's an unorganized pile of madness and it beats actually starting something. Don't organize it, don't try to make sense of it. Just add more to the pile and dream about writing. Let others worry about it when they find your corps.

Perfectionism

So you actually sat down and started doing something? Slow down there buddy. You need to focus and monitor each word and each sentence. Make sure everything is perfect before you move on. Is the font right? Is it the right size? What about those quotation marks? Inverted commas or guillemets? Be OCD about it. You don't even know what a draft is but you suspect it's somehow related to Vietnam, not writing. Fuck it, just move on to your next project.

Avoid life

Assume that you're a cockroach. Your apartment is the rock you've been hiding under, so don't let anybody lift it. H.P. Lovecraft didn't need a girlfriend to write stories and neither did Robert E. Howard. Just watch movies, browse wikipedia and hope for the best. Basically part of the reason of wanting to be a writer is to avoid society anyway. Right? Don't let them win. You're the man on the moon. The guy living in that self-made shack in the woods.

I'm sure there's more to it, but it's getting late. I wish you more success than I ever had. Shouldn't be too difficult, I hope.