When is the Zombie Apocalypse?

I don't know where I intended to go with this.

I'm so ready for the zombie apocalypse. I'm not prepped for it. I've got a few guns, but not much ammo. I don't have an armored vehicle. I don't have a plan for escaping the city to a cabin tucked away in the woods. I also don't have a cabin in the woods. I don't have any food stockpiled away, because I eat it all. And I'm chubby, because I eat all the food, and I don't exercise, which also means I'm kind of lazy. Despite all this, I'm still ready for some zombie action because I'm tired of going to work, and I figure that'd be a good enough reason to call in for a few weeks.

The other day I got a statement from my 401k that had an expected retirement year of 2045. Is that even a real year? Shit sounds made up to me. Remember being a little kid and your parents would tell you something like "when you move out you can do whatever you and blah blah blah," and that day seemed like it would never come? Well, that day finally came, and it took 10-12 years. 2045? And I'm expected to go to work every day until then? That'll make any apocalypse look pretty good.

According to an article I read in Popular Science, if a zombie apocalypse were to actually happen, it would only last about 3 weeks. I figure I could probably survive that. But only if it's the old slow zombies we all know and love. If it's those running zombies that are all the rage these days, then I'm screwed. I'm all about scientific advancement, but whose idea was it to make zombies faster? How did that get funded? Do I have to call Brad Pitt to save me or does he call me? I don't know how zombie research science works.

I'm tired of working, is the point I'm trying to get across. Some people play the lottery, others fantasize about shit like this.