Greetings loyal followers.

Despite the remarkably valiant efforts of my executive assistant Vera, who deserves to have several holidays honoring her, to block any incoming transmissions that might infuriate me, one has made it through.

At the very least I should get a cool card. But no. I will get the same thing I get every Father's Day... nothing.

Apparently, on your planet, tomorrow is a really stupid holiday known as "Father's Day'. What a dumb-ass holiday. You people should feel even more foolish than usual for celebrating something so idiotic.

One of your inhabitants named @platonicsironic sent me the following transmission.

Hmmm. Am I going to be doing anything fun on a day to honor fathers?

No you dipwad!

I am not going to be doing anything fun on a day set aside for fathers.

In fact, aside from the fact that the day is named after me (go ahead look up "Vater" on your prized google translate. Yeah I know there is a different letter but just say the word over and over again. I'm sure you will get it.) I freaking hate this day!

Do you know how much I hate it? If I had to choose between getting rid of Father's Day or the Emperor... I would actually need to think about it. And you all know how much I hat that old bag of puss.

Why do I hate Father's Day so much.

Hmm I don't know...

Maybe because I don't even have one!

Why don't you ask me if I'm going to do something special for "Legs Day"... I don't have those either jackass!

That's right, for the first only only time in the history of any universe ever, my mother become the one and only person ever to become pregnant via a miracle.

Wait Vera was telling me there is one more.

But back to @platonicsironic 's question.

If that wasn't reason enough, I'm not exactly expecting a card or a neck tie from my jerkstore kids. Thinking they were dead and having them stolen then hidden from me isn't exactly something I want to "celebrate". That alone would probably be enough to turn me off to wanting to remember I'm a father. Thanks for reminding me!

Oh but wait. There's more!

After years of searching for my children (and I mean really searching. I looked basically nowhere for them. Who would have guessed my son would be on my home planet living under my last name. So tricky!) I finally found my son.

I couldn't wait to meet the little scamp. I even tested the carbon freezing chamber to make sure my little boy would be safe and sound as I transported him to the Emperor to be faced with the choice of joining the wrinkly old scum bucket or death. Now if that isn't fatherly love, I don't know what is.

When I finally met him, did he run to me and give me a hug? Did he whine about how terrible his life had been without me? Did he calmly and quietly enter the freezing chamber? No. He tried to kill me.

He even fantasizes about killing me when he enters magical trees. He could have experienced anything and he imagines killing me. Great. Happy freaking Father's day!

I could chalk that up to him not knowing I was his father, but he should have known right away. He's a Force user (weak as he is). He should have been able to feel it. But fine. Let's pretend he didn't.

So I flat out told him.

Did he come around then and give me a great big hug (with his one good arm)?

No.

This could have been a super beautiful father-son moment. Hurray your dad is alive! But no! That whiny little farm boy had to ruin it!

He screamed like a little baby whose puppy I just ran over with my speeder (I know this sound well because I do it like all the freaking time).

So when I finally introduced myself to my son, he reacted like I took away his power converters and threw them down an endless shaft.

And you want to know if I'll be doing anything fun for Father's Day.

Actually I will be Force choking at least one person.

Place throat here.

Force choking is fun.

Me day
Frankenstein has no father
Father of Mine
Magic Tree House
Congratulations! It's a boy.
Father's Day Fun