THE DOS AND DON'TS OF SASQUATCH RECONNAISSANCE- Pt 2

in #funny • 7 years ago (edited)

Hello and welcome to part 2 of

THE SASQUATCH RECONNAISSANCE GUIDE


click here for part 1
In this segment, we'll be learning how to discover, identify and infiltrate Sasquatch habitation areas.

LET'S BEGIN!!!

First, a list of invaluable items to aid you on your search


  • 1 bottle of Jack Daniels
    (Although a recovering alcoholic, Sasquatch frequently relapses)

  • Flowers
    (As we discussed in part one, Sasquatch have an extremely keen sense of smell. It's also a thoughtful gift when visiting someones home)


  • 3 sticks of bubble gum, 1 box of band-aids and a paper clip
    (I think it's pretty obvious what that's for...)

  • Condoms
    (In the event you need to transport water, 1 condom can carry up to a gallon of water. What the hell did you think they were for..?)

HABITATION ZONE DISCOVERY AND IDENTIFICATION

Pictured at right is what the Squatching community refers to as a tree structure, but those guys are idiots. This is a Sasquatch mailbox. After many long months in isolation, I've finally discovered their real purpose. The mailboxes main use is to stay in touch with friends and family, however it also acts as a toll booth for any other Sasquatch passing through. Sasquatch are highly territorial and trespassing through their land without consent can result in deadly consequences. Gifts are deposited in the center and should your gift be removed, your tithe has been accepted! Locating these drop boxes is simple, just follow the direction of unnatural looking tree breaks.

HABITATION ZONE INFILTRATION

Ok, you've made it this far but now things get a bit intense. Upon your discovery and identification of the local Sasquatches PO box, it's time to put your plan into action! First, you're going to need the bottle of Jack Daniels. Gather up some sticks and leaves, form them into them semblance of a gift basket and deposit the bottle in the basket and the basket in the mailbox. Sasquatch is a bit of a lazy prick so it might take a few days for him to check the mail, but usually within the first week you'll get your answer. What's this? The bottle is GONE?!? EXCELLENT! The elusive Sasquatch has accepted your gift unseen and is likely already shithoused. Sasquatch is an angry drunk and will likely go home to yell at his wife. This is all part of the plan!


After a long night of howling and trees being snapped in half, you need to prepare for the next phase of the plan. After nearly a week sleeping on the forest floor, your breath probably smells like a homeless mans underwear. Grab that bubblegum, destiny awaits! Once morning rolls around, Mrs. Sasquatch is going to be pretty pissed. It's within her natural behavior to come and investigate who the asshole was that pulled her husband off the wagon and this is your moment to observe a Sasquatch in their natural habitat! Time for the flowers chief! Present the flowers and make a high pitched gargling sound from the back of your throat. While I'm still unsure what it translate into, it's somewhere between an apology and "How you doin?". If she accepts the flowers and leaves, you're indeed quite lucky. You've just interacted with the worlds most elusive cryptid!

If she accepts the flowers and starts massaging her breasts... You're fucked. This is an indicator she wants some revenge on her husband. Sasquatch females are extremely violent and have been known to kill the males during copulation. Be glad you brought the band-aids and condoms (You didn't really think they were for carrying water, did you? lol)

I was just kidding about the paper clip.

Silent Discourse signature.gif

click here for part 1

Here's a great resource for any other new steemies like myself,
with a ton of awesome and helpful people.
Definitely go and check them out.
@newbieresteemday @greetersguild

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#sasquatch #nature #science #ocd-resteem
7 years ago in #funny by
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    • [-]
     7 years ago 

    Alright, now were in business! Just need to gather the list of complelty invaluable items and I should be good to go, right?

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     7 years ago 

    Ball's in your court now bro... Make the magic happen!

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       7 years ago 

      Maybe magic is the key to successful sasquatch hunting after all..

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         7 years ago 

        I was a Scoutmaster for 7 years, and of course had numerous camp fire stories to scare the crap out of the little buggers. A couple of favorites were my encounters with Mr. Sasquatch. Two of my best friends were killed by him, don't ya know! Ah, yes the hunt for Sasquatch...invaluable information you've provided. And to think, you've earned less than a dollar for this profundity. Mrs. S would be highly offended were she ever to find out. Hmnnn.... that's an idea ...have her sign up with Steemit.

        [-]
         7 years ago (edited)

        Lol, many a campfire story have I had the pleasure of growing up with... Might even in part be responsible for my imagination.

        The post is relatively young. I'm holding out and hopefully retire on this one but if not, persistence... ;)

        Pretty sure Mrs S is filing for custody and alimony, so maybe it's not a terrible thing I didn't strike it rich with this one after all...

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           7 years ago 

          So that's what those tree structures are for! HAHA!

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             7 years ago 

            Lol.. You have no idea how many sleepless nights, huddled under a rotten felled tree with a skunk as my bunkmate it took before finally figuring it out...

            On the brightside.. I'M GONNA BE A DADDY!!! lmao

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               7 years ago 

              LOL oh my goodness, congratulations...? HAHA Oh, I'm dying.