Oxford University just released five sample interview questions to help applicants prepare for interview. Here are the genuine questions, and five model answers, that will make you a lock for entry to one of the world's most prestigious educational institutions.

What makes a novel or play ‘political’?

In a political play, one main character wears a blue rosette (he is a Tory) and the other main character wears a red rosette (she is a Labour). They turn their backs on the audience (who are the electorate) and at the end of the play, the set falls down (it is the country). This is called SATIRE, and everyone will clap. There are no political books, just opinions that have been written down: next question.

What exactly do you think is involved in blaming someone?

My daily routine involves four blame stages:

1. An irrational stage of fury at the nameless other who dared to wake me from my dream of waffles.
2. A relentless search for the culprit.
3. A demand for restitution from the culprit: in place of dream waffles, I must have real waffles, fresh from the iron.
4. A period of forgiveness, as I remember that I dislike waffles, and reconciliation, as the culprit lists the waffle iron on Freecycle.

I begin this routine anew each morning, and the number of Amazon Prime orders I have been forced to make has made me question the value of waffles. This is not related, but how much is that bursary?

Imagine a ladder leaning against a vertical wall with its feet on the ground. The middle rung of the ladder has been painted a different colour on the side, so that we can see it when we look at the ladder from the side on. What shape does that middle rung trace out as the ladder falls to the floor?

I never imagine failure, only success - this seems like the kind of question they would ask at Cambridge *shudder*.

And what are you doing while this clusterfuck is going down? A multi-coloured ladder just fell over, so a clown could be dead or an interior decorator could be hanging from a window ledge by his fingertips. And yet you're discussing coloured shapes like you're at playgroup. Cold: next question.

A large study appears to show that older siblings consistently score more highly than younger siblings on IQ tests. Why would this be?

Just write down that I'm the oldest sibling and when my younger brother did an IQ test, his score was in THREE FIGURES, BABY!

And, finally, how many Oxford undergraduates must be fed to the House With A Mouth as part of our 1376 Peace Treaty with All Souls College, Cambridge, any breach of which would lead to a resumption of hostilities and the cancellation of the annual quidditch match?

Eleven students must be fed to the House With A Mouth.

Thank you, we will be in touch.

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If you already hold a PhD in creative writing from Oxford University or have one of the good Nobel Prizes (not peace or economics), then you may enjoy my other work. The Horse Van is an original crime series set in 1930s Oklahoma (Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4) and The Long March is a sci-fi series (Part 1 Part 2).

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