Starbucks: Racist, Stupid, or Overpriced?

After watching the horrifying documentary “Reefer Madness” a concerned Philadelphia Starbucks manager alerted the police when he saw two suspected Jazz musicians prowling around his local café looking for white women to rape. Authorities quickly arrested the perpetrators and found their pockets stuffed with phone numbers for girls named Amber. In fear of retaliation from their parents, none of the Ambers were available for comment. Concerned bystanders said the girls had been slipped pumpkin spiced lattes against their will, rendering them helpless against the black mamba…I mean menace.

ENN (Every News Network) interviewed Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson (Hurr hurr hurr… Johnson...Johnson means penis) and asked him what was going on. In a candid interview Johnson said something to the effect of, “Well, we at Starbucks encourage people to sit around here all day not doing shit and using our free Wi-Fi so it looks like we’re always busy. Then, herd mentality convinces more people to come into Starbucks. Unfortunately people did exactly what we wanted them to do, and out of the 300 million people in America and the 650 million Starbucks franchises, one manager told two black guys to find somewhere else to pick up white girls, like feminist rallies…in the parking lot outside.”

Instead of just firing that one guy and calling it a day, or even stopping to ask the manager if maybe he was just doing his job and just kicked two random ass people out for loitering, Starbucks decided to close all their stores for half a day to teach their “Associates” to not be racist, costing the company an estimated $17 million in lost sales. That doesn’t include how much they paid for 27,000 copies of some anti-discrimination video that was probably made in the 80’s.
Kevin Johnson...penis... I appreciate your ambition but you ain' the guy that's going to end racism. You make your money selling BLACK coffee that's been gentrified by adding WHITE milk to it and telling us folks it tastes better that way. You can't spell "Kevin Johnson..penis...Starbucks...K" without "KKK!"

People across the country are calling for boycotts against Starbucks for their discriminatory practices. If you are one of those people, pull up a chair. We need to talk.

Bitch, you ain’t Rosa Parks and it ain’t 1955. I don’t know if this whole thing was racially motivated or if it was just some guys loitering, and frankly, I care about as much as a villain on the Carebears. I know Starbucks is the poster child for white suburbia, and even in this woke (I threw up a little in my mouth typing that word) world we live in, race relations still have a long way to go. But for seriously; boycotting Starbucks for being racist? On a Social Justice Warrior level, Starbucks is that kid in high school who gets shit on by all the cheerleaders and carries their purses, hoping it will make them like him. I’m defending Starbucks and I boycotted them years ago because I think it’s stupid to pay $5 for a cup of coffee. But for this; find a different battle to fight, like the slave labor that goes into picking their beans.

Kevin Johnson (Hurr hurr hurr… Johnson means penis), pull up a chair. We need to talk. What you are doing is called “Virtue Signaling.” I’m glad you care about race relations and the public relations nightmare you have to deal with. But for future reference, you made the problem worse. This is what is called “The Streisand Effect.” In 2003 California harnessed the power of technology and the internet and videoed the coast of California. Barbra Streisand freaked the fuck out because she didn’t want people to see her backyard that nobody on earth gave a fuck about, causing millions of people to Google where Barbra Streisand’s backyard was and what it looked like. Right or wrong, you could have just fired that one manager and paid off the two black dudes. You and every other corporation on the planet has done a lot worse than that to hide a story. Now you opened the floodgates to thousands of people claiming Michael Jackson raped them, hurting the credibility of Corey Haim and McCauley Caulkin’s legitimate case. You also cost your company 17 million dollars to close and teach the least racist generation in history to not be racist, which they are going to be texting and not listening the whole time anyway.

Funny ass edit: I posted this on Reddit under the Starbuck's subreddit, where I was promptly banned. I replied:

"Peeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiisssssssss!!!!!!!!!! Penis. I was actually penis when I vaginad. Vagina. Oh, I forgot to vagina. Penis."

The moderator responded, "Didn't realize they let spastic preteens on Reddit."

Haha. The joke is on them. I'm a grown ass man. Leeeeeeeeeeroyyyyyyyyy Jeeeeeenkiiiiiiins! FTW!

I may or may not have been drunk.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,