Shitastic b movie review: Stone Cold (1991)

Stone Cold (1991)

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Buh!? You are unaware just how awesome Stone Cold is? Take your fucking head out of the sand. That's where cats shit.

Wow! This movie has guns, drugs, booze, motorcycles, whorish women, and top notch action. It also has The Boz, Lance Henricksen, and William Forsythe. Yet, this is not the reason for Stone Cold being such a fantastic fucking movie. You ask, "What else could it be, all of that, but there is something else?" You're goddamn right there is something else. Something so great and masculine that, if you tried to compare yourself to it, your dick would fall off and you would grow great tits. What could it be? Picture the most heavenly haircut imaginable. Something so majestic that unicorn’s pound off to it. Do you have it yet? What a fantastic fucking mullet. Styled with the vaginal discharge of twenty year old girls that are drawn to it like fly’s to shit. The Boz's mullet is one of the best. It is second only to the king of mullets, Billy Ray Cyrus. Here is the Mullet Hierarchy as I see it:

You may argue with the Mullet Hierarchy, but there can be no doubt as to who the king is. You may think you know of some better mullets than the other candidates, but it's my list, so fuck off. I'm not a goddamn hairdresser. You can take your shear-toting-pussy-hand and shove it up your ass. Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet makes god jealous.

Stone Cold is one of those movies you have to see to believe. I could try and drive it into your head with a bat, but you really can't appreciate its awesomeness, untill you see it. The Boz plays... correction: portrays (The Boz doesn't fuck around) an undercover officer that infiltrates a motorcycle gang. These assholes are true 1%ers. Lance Henricksen is their leader, Chains, and he takes shit from no one. Especially some suit on a power trip.

Chains attracts the authorities attention when he orders his posse to "crack the whip" on Whipperton. Whipperton is the DA that had just sent a patched member of The Brotherhood (The MC Club) to the pokie. What he doesn't realize is that, "Those colours don't run!" and his actions are an act of war.

The Boz catches William Forsythe's eye by kicking the living shit out of some dicks causing shit in a titty bar. He also had a little help from some lame do-gooder cop that fucks gross chicks and is an annoying germaphobe. The Boz thinks this guy is a joke, but lets it slide.

The Boz's actions in the titty bar earn him an invite to a rally that The Brotherhood is putting on. While there, The Boz kicks more ass and gives Chains a serious hard on. William Forsythe suspects he's a cop, but Chains wants him as his enforcer. When The Boz goes back to his rapist van, Chains is in there with his old lady. He tells The Boz he wants to talk with him, but right now he can tear a strip out of his old lady. The Boz doesn't give a fuck who Chains is. He tells him to get the hell out of his rapist van, and to take his skank-whore with him. This only makes Chains boner grow bigger. Needless to say, The Boz gains access to The Brotherhood.

The rest of the movie, until the end, The Boz is doing jobs, kicking ass, and gaining the trust of Chains. I'm kind of downplaying just how awesome it is, but I don't want to write the next great American novel. Just trust me when I tell you that it's great.

The Boz ends up finding out that The Brotherhood's whole plan is to assassinate Whipperton. This can't happen. There is only one man that can stop these fucks, and The Boz is his name.

The ending to this movie is so good. The Brotherhood invades a courthouse and blasts the fuck out of everyone inside. Then The Boz arrives. Chains rides up on the back of some dudes bike and is all like, "Beardo, take this joker out!" So, Beardo starts revving the engine up, all hardcore and shit, to boost the RPM’s. Then he lets ‘er fly! Like the badass that he is, The Boz just stands there. Then he pulls out his shotty and unloads a round into Beardo’s chest. Beardo goes flying off the bike, and The Boz dodges it just in time. Meanwhile Mr. Helicopter is buzzing around outside, and wham! The bike, that the Boz just dodged, goes flying through the window and right into the chopper! Do you believe it! Unaffected by the amazing incident that just occurred, The Boz continues on justiceing the rest of The Brotherhood. Then he comes across the court room. Well, I don’t have to tell you that The Boz was not happy with the chaos that Chains inflicted upon that courtroom. The Boz is all, “Chains is going to pay for this… with his life!” Then, out of nowhere, Chains gets the drop on The Boz. So, the movie ends right there, right? Wrong! The Boz knocks the gun out of the hand of chains and administers him an ass-kicking. It’s an epic brawl that climaxes when The Boz sticks his .45 in the face of chains, and tells him something so tough that I shook in fear. Then, The Boz pulls the trigger. Click! It’s empty! Chains is shitting himself at this point and passes out. He tumbles down the stairs and The Boz arrests him. Game over, right? Not yet! Hold the fuck on! Chains grabs a cops gun, and Clickety-Clack! Someone’s dead. Who could it be? The Boz? Nope! Germaphobe-Pussy-Cop outdrew Chains, and he put two into him for good measure. Then Germaphobe says something super-cool like, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang” The Boz doesn’t respond. He just stares at him. The Boz doesn’t have to say anything, because you can see it in his eyes. You can see what The Boz is thinking, and it’s 100% respect for Pussy Cop. First he thought Germaphobe was a suit wearing pussy, but now The Boz realizes that he is the real deal. Cue the wicked 80’s music and credits.

It's over. There is only one thing left to do. You had better go take care of that cement dick that you have been sporting for the hour and a half that this glorious movie was on for. Be sure to knock on the bathroom door when you go. Your wife has been fisting herself since she took her first glance at The Boz's mullet. Put your shoes on. It’s going to be messy in there.