An Average Man's Guide to Facing People with Disability

"Stop being the you from yesterday, and start being awesome."

  It is somewhat hard to process disability and people with particular issues, especially when you have no experience or knowledge about the subject. People often feel intimidated and emotionally pressured in public situations with disabled people interacting with them or even a third party. I know this. I used to feel the same despite having disabled family members. It took me quite some time before I actually realized how I could carry myself with the situation in hand and how I could turn it all into a learning experience making me a better and stronger person. 

When I was about thirteen, my mother and father came up to me and told me that we should have an adult conversation. Scared to pieces I slowly swallowed and sat down to hear what they have to say. They calmly, and clearly a tiny bit scared, told me that my sister (at the time I only had one) was suffering from minor disabilities. These would include difficulties in learning and early memory loss and physical deterioration. She would eventually leave this earth before any of us while having much less opportunities in life. They told me how they hoped for me to understand and support her even though she would appear different at first, after all she is of the same blood and genes. I have to admit that it wasn’t easy at first. I always suspected something was in the air but did not really grasp the full idea of it until much later in life. 

Nowadays I´m more than fine with it. And I want to share what I have learned. Ok, so it does not matter what the type of person you really are, there are lessons to be learned from others and others with disability that is. First of all it´s scary and weird, but eventually you’ll get the hang of it.  

F**k it, I´m me! 

First of all, these guys can teach you all about self-acceptance. Far before I was able to be man enough and look in the mirror and say “this is what I am and that´s okay”, my sisters would talk openly about understanding their condition, questioning it and simply accepting it. It did not really matter to them. They did not overthink it, and therefore complicate the situation. They just wanted to know and be aware what´s going on. Like you and me being in a history class – “oh so the Romans also supported gay activity, well okay fine - I guess that´s fine”. This is something I have truly seen when out and about with them. They can laugh out loud and speak their mind even if we are in the shopping mall. And we always have a blast fooling around and exploring shops. Before I used to think, as a Northerner who is always afraid to speak up, how shameful that kind of behaviour is. But nowadays, I just feel sorry for all the “normal people” who try to carry themselves with pride but you can clearly see the social awkwardness in their faces – so much for being the cool kid in the class. So you could think of disabled people like Daniel Craig in Bond. He does not apologize his appearance, just simply hits the bar desk and orders whatever he prefers. Wears a stained shirt because when do you really have time to change it, unlike Pierce Brosnan version, when there is always so slack to cut.  

Why stand in when you can stand out? 

Some people are afraid of superficial disadvantages like hair loss or getting a mole on their neck. They are even more terrified of actual disabilities and believe how the life would end or how they would consider killing themselves in that kind of situation. That is plain stupid. Most of us are in fact disabled, in a way. Every fifth Finnish person suffers from mental depression – please tell me that this is not a disability? Staying between the four walls underneath the sheets and crying about the world and yourself? Does not sound completely normal to me at least. Disabled kids and people in general do not give a damn about being disabled in the long run. Why? They can’t do anything about it or have the capacity to even begin planning how to fix the issue. They treat everybody equal and see no difference in terms of physical or mental capabilities. They care more about if you Lakers or Nets. Normal things. Everyday things. And you know what, they have bad days too but in the end, they get up from their beds and seize every second. Now that´s more inspiring than any fitness booty sharing pics of her workouts. I know most people don’t like being different or standing out, but it can actually work out to be a benefit.  At work for example, you will meet different kind of people and occasionally get in on special opportunities. So forget the bad hair day – be you and be awesome.   

“Now that´s more inspiring than any fitness booty sharing pics of her workouts.”   

You have eyes and a head so use them! 

Disabled kids are smart as hell. They do not have the same privileges as the rest of us, but they do use all of the little capacity they have. My sisters for example, have an amazing visual memory and sense of their surroundings. When some of us lose and forget small details, they know as soon as they enter their room if someone moved the pen on their desk. This is does not stop to surprise me. In a way they replace other weaknesses to bring out their amazing and extraordinary strengths in other areas. They also question things around them, out loud. This is something all of us can learn form – especially in our working lives. Ask and you shall receive. Keep on wondering and poking at things, since the more you ask the more you learn on the way. These kids won´t remember everything and will ask you sometimes even three times the same question. But who the heck cares? After all they make some people happy as they start conversations with people and are genuinely interested in them. The use the power they have and you can see it. What you can learn is that the autopilot you have on once walking down the high street – maybe it’s good to turn that off and you will start to see all the small beauty around you. 

Somethings just do not matter. 

Special needs children, and others too, can teach us a great deal about not giving a damn. When you face the challenges they do, small hardships lose their perceived value. Coffee stains on a shirt do happen to the best of us but who really cares? They are signs of life and that´s it – marks of life lived fully. Some of these guys are used to others being frustrated with their situation and sense when the rest of us get anxious or impatient. It may be the raised tightness in our voices or the look on our faces but it does pull them back a bit. My sisters for example, in a tense moment tend to release the situation by stating how good things really are, reminding the rest of us not get too sunk into the negativity of the moment. Let’s say for example that we would be queuing to the movies only to found out that it had been sold out – they would always let you know that the it was cool idea after all and we got to go out to get some fresh air, we had something to do despite it not being what we initially intended. Now this is an attitude I would love to learn and internalize, patience and understanding at it’s finest: “I don´t really care anyways, let´s move on.” 

Oops I did it again, and do not care. 

Like said before, coffee stains happen. Slipping over happens. Saying something completely unfit for the situation does happen. But this is all human. Would you be interested in a plastic-like person with stunning looks but no charm, no edge? They look beautiful but there is no danger, no positive craziness to make the interaction interesting. Same goes for fashion sense with people – the people who sport their unique tastes whether it is in a form of a nice bracelet or earrings, stand out and makes us interested in them. Those small imperfect characteristics make us people interesting and different in a positive way. We can all learn to look at ourselves and our mistakes and faults, then begin to look at them as the small things that make us different and unique. They can be very interesting to others only if learn to carry them along in the right way. If we are ashamed, we also give others the idea that there is something very wrong with this kind of behaviour. By pushing it and being proud and somewhat careless with our weirdness, we can make ourselves appear confident and special while also giving others the correct way to perceive disability and differences.    

So, to sum it all up - go out, smile and laugh out loud. Say when you don´t like something, but also make sure you praise the things you absolutely love - say it so that the others can hear it. Look up and straight. Stand out with your choices and habits - be proud of them. Look at others and think about something positive about them too - learn to value the richness of life. After all, if all of us had an Afro or a white Audi they would not be so special anymore.

Have you personally  learned something from someone with a disability? Please share. 

Markkamies is a freetime writer moving between Scandinavia and Spain while writing about things and life, well mostly mine.