The 5 Worst Types of People in the Public Bathroom

 Piss. Piss everywhere. On the toilet seat, the floor, the walls, and you're not sure how it's possible, but even the ceiling. There are only two possible explanations for this phenomenon: either someone was in here PURPOSEFULLY coating every available surface in urine, or they have some sort of rare, genetic dick condition that makes piss shoot out in all directions like a lawn sprinkler. Since I can't imagine the mental processes that lead to someone doing the former, I can only assume the latter is true, and that The Human Sprinkler is out there still to this day, inadvertently soaking bathrooms in his hot lemonade all across this great nation of ours. Godspeed, Human Sprinkler. Godspeed. 

 It's easy to walk into a bathroom stall and assume that the graffiti covering the walls has just always been there since time immemorial. After all, does anyone actually KNOW anybody that cops to scrawling idiotic platitudes across the Arby's urinal wall? But SOMEONE has to be doing it. Someone goes into a bathroom, sits down, and thinks "This. This is the platform for my world-changing message," and then proceeds to write "Trump? More like DUMP" right there on the wall. Do they come back later and check for replies like it's a shit-themed social network? What do they gain from doing it at all? I don't think we'll ever really know. 

 Of all the awful bathroom archetypes, The Phantom Clogger is the one we can relate to the most. After all, we've all taken up that mantle at least once or twice in our lives. You finish up what seemed to you like a perfectly normal dookie sesh, and flush the toilet only to stare slack jawed in horror as the brown tide starts to rise. It's here that you have a choice to make. Only the noblest among us will take the high road in this situation, owning up to your dirty deed and weathering the cold stares of the Starbucks' staff like a true martyr. The rest of us, myself included, will dash out of the establishment as fast as possible before going home and sadly crossing it off the ever-dwindling list of places that we're still allowed to frequent. 

 Sometimes you enter a public restroom to find nefarious deeds that could only have been done by a person who, for some reason, just really hates toilet paper. Some of them unravel an entire toilet paper roll on the ground, some of them stick it in the sink and turn the water on, and some of them (the worst offenders of all) just dunk the whole dang thing right in the dang toilet. The toilet can't flush like that! What are you trying to accomplish here? It's chaos. It's anarchy. It's destruction for destruction's sake. It's a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed in a toilet. 

 This happens so much more frequently than I can even fathom. Like, just stop and consider the actual LOGISTICS of doing this thing. You have to dig your own shit... back out of the toilet? With your HANDS I'm assuming? AND THEN JUST RUB IT ALL OVER THE SEAT AND WALLS? WITH YOUR HANDS?! Seriously, if you're reading this, and you're a serial shit-smearer, please hit me up and let me know how this works. I'm honestly baffled. And really, super grossed out.