Dollman (1991)

Holy Fuck! What a movie!

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Tim Thomerson is so fucking great, it's ridiculous. He comes from the planet Arturus where he fucks dudes up for a living. He doesn't use pussy ninja kicks or homo-erotic karate chops either. You see, Thomerson packs the most powerful handgun in the universe. He displays just how powerful it is when he turns two dirty motherfuckers into mud. They were the henchmen of a flying head that Thomerson blew the body off of. The flying head tells Thomerson he has a dimensional bomb and is going to ransom the city. This is when the henchmen try to kill Thomerson and end up facked. When the flying head realizes that he shouldn't have fucked with Thomerson, he hovers his queer head into a spaceship and jets. Clearly, Thomerson isn't going to let someone so gay escape him. He jumps into a spaceship and tracks that fucker down.

The flying head and Thomerson end up crash landing on earth. More specifically, they crash land in the South Bronx. Clearly this area is packed full of Blacks and greasy Hispanics and is not somewhere you want to visit. Unless you enjoy being robbed or gang raped, then it's your kind of place. It wouldn't be such a big deal for Thomerson. He's packing way too much sac for any mulletard Hispanics to fuck with. All that would be left of them is a grease stain on their dirty Dickies jacket. There is only one problem. The people on Arturus are tiny compared to people on earth. It looks like the dirty fuckers are going to pose more of a problem than previously expected.

Like usual, two Hispanics try and rape some chick. Just before they can get their dicks wet, Thomerson pulls out his piece and blasts the dirty little bastards. Thankful she didn't get penetrated by a Mexican, she brings Thomerson back to her place to stay. Obviously she wants a full body fuck from Thomerson, but he has primo pussy on speed dial. He doesn't have to settle for a dirty immy. But he does stay at her place with her dipshit kid.

The flying head also has a run in with a couple of mulletards. He bribes them into helping him kill Thomerson by providing them with the dimensional bomb. Smart move, asshole! They end up grinding him into paste and taking the bomb.

Now it's Thomerson's turn, if they can find the time between their chimichangas, siestas, and dope dealing. They try and hunt Thomerson down, but get blasted at every encounter. No matter how many times Thomerson fucks them up, they never learn. Thirteen inches or thirteen feet, it doesn't matter. Thomerson is the toughest man in the universe. If you fuck with him, you will get fucked. If you want to be a poser, go buy a trench coat, wicked eighties shades, queer-stomping boots, and dye your hair white. Then you will also look tougher than a five pound shit. You will also get mad pussy.

After they get raped by Thomerson, they go after the slut instead. They kidnap her and most likely pound her puss. This makes Thomerson even angrier. He starts blowing everything up. It's "urban fucking renewal!"

Thomerson ends up finding the slut and has his final showdown with the greasy Hispanics. Obviously they aren't going to do much against Thomerson and he seriously fucks them all up.

A good movie with a hero from another planet? It's about fucking time. Tim Thomerson is so much better than some tights wearing pussy from Krypton, or group of tin assholes butchered by Michael Bay. He's thirteen inches tall, not twenty-eight feet, and he still gets shit done.