Tattoo

This.

My ex had given me this tattoo about a week before.

I took this photo sitting outside Phoenix airport, before my one-way flight to hawaii. (kaua’i)

She left me for some.. somebody. I don’t even know. We’d met in Portland and planned a life.

We stopped to visit her family in Arizona.. Queen creek.

Her uncle had just gotten out of prison, we shared a birthday. Obviously, it was his party.

We lived in her parents (empty) second home.

Slowly, she pulled away. Slowly, she replaced me. I was alone. Confused. Lost.

I loved her. She was the first person I fell in love with. The first person i cared about. at all.

She was my world.

I left my $49,000 jeep in a parking lot and told the bank “come get it. fuck you”

I cut up 7 credit cards, called each one and told them “send it to collections now. i’m not paying. fuck you”

I tried to kill myself. twice.

When all failed, i decided i needed to get as far away as possible. I didn’t care the outcome.

So i picked kaua’i. i left. no plan. no money. nothing. a tent and a backpack of clothes.

This picture is me, sitting on a bench, wondering where the fuck my life went wrong. Who am I? What am I doing? What happened to me?

I finished the cigarette, got on the plane, and well..the rest is a story for another time.

That’s the lowest point.

Defeated. Lost. Clueless.

But it lead me down a better road. I learned a lot in those times. About the world, people and myself.

I’d do it all again in an instant.

EDIT:

I want to thank everyone for their support and care. I answered this question to hopefully spur conversation about mental health and reducing the stigma surrounding it. Everybody deserves to know they aren’t alone in having thoughts, feelings or taking actions. It’s okay to not be okay! we all fight our battles and have our demons, and I hope that anyone who has been through a horrible, dark period can relate and realize mental heath is serious and real.

You all are incredible. Thank you so much