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RE: Do Haiku Need to be Three Lines?
I think your translation was great. I prefer it to Blyth's. Where does he get the "Ah!" from? I think mastery of form is one way to understanding, but at some point you realize "there is no spoon."
Actually that was Beilenson. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. (runs to haiku bookshelf) for this one Blyth wrote:
I intended
Never to grow old, -
But the temple bell tolls!
So he was actually fairly literal, which is unusual for him, but he did swap the first and second line. The "but" is an interesting addition, suggesting (as Jokun was) that despite his intention to stay young, he has no choice. I wouldn't add that myself, but I can see why Blyth did.
I think with that "ah" Beilenson was attempting to show to show that Jokun was only suddenly having this thought upon hearing the temple bell and realizing his age. It's an interesting idea and may be implied by the poem, but it isn't stated. He did the same thing by specifying "new year's bell". That is of course what Jokun was talking about, but it isn't specifically stated in the poem.
I think that is one of the splits in translators, those who try to stay as close to the original as possible and those who try to make it easier to understand by adding things. At the moment I favor staying as close to the original as possible, then explaining anything that needs explaining separately. But I can understand arguments from the other camp and I can accept them, as long as they don't go too far. Some, like Robert Hass, basically completely rewrite the haiku to the point where it bears little resemblance to the original.
Anyway, thank you for the comment :)
this is really amazing translation....and thanks always for seeing the beauty in great work @thinknzombie ....thanks also for this post @dbooster
Thank you for reading :)