THE ROAD TO HELL AND BACK (still on my way...) #1 : Intro. Control & Perfection.

------------------------------ WARNING! - NSFEUI (Not safe for emotionally unstable individuals)

Isn’t it ironic, that striving for perfect healthiness, one ends up nearly killing herself. With all the possibilities online to find proof for any statement or theory, people brainwash themselves and tend to believe anything that Dr. Google says. For example: “You can make your own reality” (therefore redesign your body). “Anything is possible if you believe” (maybe even living without food?). That makes it very difficult to draw a line between healthy and deathly.
But obviously, the real reasons are much deeper and it's our distorted mind that turns a neutral concept or fact into a belief - a self-made prison inside our minds.

This is my story of the struggle and recovery from anorexia.

2007 - Before ED.

Control & Perfection

“I’ve got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not”

(Lose Yourself by Eminem)

It’s all about control and desire to be this perfect person, who achieves everything she wants effortlessly. Perfect to me doesn’t mean always 100%, rather 98% without any effort. There is a voice in my head that has trained me since I can remember. This voice wouldn’t allow me to step on lines when I was 3. This voice beat up the 6-year-old me who didn’t get to the finals of a singing contest. This voice told me when I was 11, that becoming rich and famous was the only acceptable future scenario, the only way I could prove everyone that I was the smartest and the most talented. This voice wouldn’t allow me to accept my shyness nor my changing body when I was 15. It became especially loud as I entered adulthood. The voice became more like of a drill sergeant, listing all the things I needed to do in order to be enough, to be accepted, to be loved. It told me to practice guitar 12 hours a day and it also taught me all the how-to’s about becoming and staying thin, fit and healthy (therefore "beautiful, successful, rich and happy"). So this voice gave me lessons and a set of rules, which in time became more and more strict. What this voice didn’t know, was that state “perfect” will forever be unachievable. For anyone.

2016 - This would’ve been probably the idea of a perfect day for 11 year old me. Driving a black cabriolet, having fun and enjoying the best day ever with our band and video team to make a music video. Also, being the thinnest, "healthiest" and the "most spiritual and humble person" in band.

In reality, the only thought in my head that day was to survive. I peeled an orange in the middle of movie set with dirty hands, ate it quickly behind the car, orange juice dripping down my arms, just because an orange had to be eaten at 17.00. Later I gulped down my home-made puree soup which had been in hot car for the whole day, therefore gone bad. But half cup of beet, half cup of green beans, half avocado, a tablespoon of flax seed, half cup of buttermilk and a tablespoon of oat bran had to be eaten at 19.00, I couldn’t ruin my regime just because a video shoot. My mind was so foggy that concentrating on what people said to me or how to get from point A to point B took an extreme effort.

PART 2: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-2-onset
PART 3: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-3-loss-of-control
PART 4: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-4-fat-is-a-feeling