I can't remember the last time that I watched England play... it was probably the World Cup Quarter Final, roughly 18 months ago. The reason? It's painful. Boringly painful. Rule number 1: Don't lose. Rule Number 2: See Rule Number 1.

It doesn't matter if you possess some of the best attacking talent in the world including Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and Arsenal's star players and top goalscorers. 114 goals combined in the 2023/24 season from these 3 players + Manchester City's Phil Foden - by far the most out of Europe's elite nations' front 4 entering the tournament.

Plenty of reason to be optimistic with the likes of Cole Palmer, Jarrod Bowen, Eberechi Eze, Anthony Gordon, Ollie Watkins and Ivan Toney to call upon if a change is needed.

We've even got one of the world's best holding midfielders in Declan Rice, paired alongside one of the world's best passers in Trent Alexander-Arnold. There are goals everywhere.

At the back, confidence isn't as high but Jordan Pickford is the first England Goalkeeper to avoid a tournament-ending mistake since David Seaman (although that goal by Ronaldinho was a bit of a shocker). He's got it in him, but it hasn't happened yet. John Stones and Kyle Walker are consistent winners - a combined 35 major trophies between them and to complete the starting XI, free-kick specialist Kieran Trippier and the promising Marc Guehi.

Such an array of talent. That is without doubt the most frustrating team in the world to watch - typified by last night's narrow victory against Serbia.

A Great Start

England are great to watch at the beginning of most matches and last night was no different. For the first 15 minutes, we were totally dominant. We passed the ball quickly and everybody wanted it. Possession being quickly regained once lost with Bukayo Saka and Jude Bellingham particularly threatening. Serbia had absolutely nothing in response. Preferring to give away foul after foul to try and stop the onslaught.

Saka up against Pavlovic was an especially one-sided battle and even the Serb's efforts to kick the shit out him failed, getting beaten over and over again. So it was little surprise that this is where the early breakthrough came from. Saka skinned Pavlovic and popped it up (via a deflection) for the late run of Jude Bellingham to head home.

We looked absolutely brilliant and the mind wandered to thoughts of what might be. I should've known better.

Complacency Sets In

We continued to look good immediately after the goal but then the Southgate England that I've grown to loathe set in. Instead of the players getting their heads up for a forward pass, they started to look sideways... and backwards... Trent playing a poor pass to give Mitrovic his first sight of goal - flashing his shot wide.

This wasn't enough to wake the boys up and by the 30 minute mark, England had become the unnecessarily negative team. Horrible, slow tempo. Declan Rice now taking 10 touches instead of the 1 and 2 touch of the first 15 minutes. Sideways... backwards... slowly, slowly. Giving it away far too easily. Eventually saved by the half time whistle and the opportunity for Southgate to congratulate his players and demand more of the same, pedestrian shit in the 2nd half.

Despite being on top for the majority of the 1st half, star man Harry Kane had been dominated by Nikola Milenkovic - the pundits described Kane's performance as "selfless" - moving the Serbian defence around rather than being actively involved. Curiosity took over and looking up Kane's Touch Map, I discovered that he'd touched the ball twice and you'd be forgiven for having missed them.

2nd Half

If Saka made Pavlovic look stupid in the 1st Half, the 2nd was the complete opposite as Pavlovic managed to become a World Class full back and the England team became pub players unable to string 2 passes together.

England were happy to give up possession and it was anything but comfortable viewing. Vlahovic perhaps having their best effort which was a fairly routine save for Pickford.

Despite the defensive nature, England should've gone 2-0 up, Jarrod Bowen (who came on for Saka) showing that Pavlovic was still beatable crossing for Kane to come in and head home... only for Rajkovic to make a good save in the Serbian goal.

Reaction

It was the kind of performance Southgate loves. Start well, go ahead and then defend. We did it in Russia, throwing away a goal lead to Croatia in the semis and at the last Euros, giving away the lead to lose the final to Italy. This time though, we did enough to hold on.

I said I’m glad we suffered a bit without the ball [because it will stand England in good stead down the line]. I think is really good for us. I think to defend the box the way we did was really good for us. I was really pleased with a lot of the play. Second half we didn’t keep it as well as I would have liked but to get the win is very important. Gareth Southgate

"I was really pleased with a lot of the play"...

Well, some of it was decent. Certainly not a lot but maybe 20 minutes but that doesn't matter. We won.

And I hate that I'll be watching again on Thursday afternoon.

My Player Ratings

Pickford 7 - Did what he needed to.
Trippier 6 - Didn't really get in the game. Playing out of position (LB) and wasn't too stretched.
Stones 7 - Did a job.
Guehi 7 - Kept the ball well (mostly) and defended well.
Walker 7 - Fairly solid and looked dangerous when roaming forward.
Rice 8 - Despite slowing the tempo down too much, he protected the defence well and made some important tackles.
Alexander-Arnold 5 - Didn't really create anything and nearly made a costly error in the 1st Half.
Foden 5 - Never looked dangerous.
Saka 7 - Excellent in the 1st Half and got the assist but faded away.
Bellingham 8 - A MOTM performance both in and out of possession. Nice to see him give Kostic a bit of attitude.
Kane 5 - Probably a generous rating. Barely in the game. Failed to hold the ball up and should've scored.

Match Highlights