Super Something

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Being a supervillain is hard. Heroes constantly getting in your way. Henchmen asking for unreasonable levels of hazard pay. Let’s not even consider how it’s impossible to buy groceries on your own when the moment you show up in the supermarket someone is calling the police.

It was while contemplating these hardships that Carnageio heard a gentle knock on the door.

“What is it?” Carnageio asked irritably.

“Sorry boss,” a random, unimportant henchman responded, “the boys are wonderin’ if there’s anything we should be doin’. Haven’t heard a new plan from you in awhile.”

Carnageio rubbed his temples in frustration. It was true, he’d been having a bout of scheme block lately. To some degree he’d been considering why he was still a villain at all, but given his infamy his only other choices were prison or some secluded forest where no one could find him.

“Does it look like I’m out goofing off right now?” Carnageio walked over to a window, refusing to acknowledge the henchman with anything more than coarse words. “I’m working on something big. Something so complex that it requires meticulous planning. Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.” Carnageio paused, considering how he could keep his pawns occupied. “I hear there’s an upstart villain that’s been encroaching on our territory. Dr… something something. Go make sure he understands that I’m the only villain in this city. He will submit or die.”

“Yes sir!” The henchman responded with more enthusiasm than expected. Generally speaking the dolts weren’t very effective without precise orders, but between the lack of any new plans and the looming threat of the henchmen unionising Carnageio had planned to do some downsizing anyway.

For days Carnageio’s lair was silent. His henchmen apparently hard at work doing whatever they thought was necessary to fulfil the vague order given. Or perhaps they were all dead. Regardless, it gave Carnageio time to think and plan in peace.

Yet no matter how long Carnageio spent, he couldn’t come up with a satisfying plot. The best he could think up was stealing every candy from every baby. It was stupid, but at least it hadn’t been done before.

Carnageio didn’t watch much television. He figured it rotted the brain. He had read every book available to him though and the TV seemed like the next best source of some information. He clicked the power button and an image appeared of a young woman with blond hair sitting behind a bland desk. She was staring emotionless at the camera while providing an update on the city news.

“Is Carnageio turning over a new leaf?” The anchorwoman posited. “Members of Carnageio’s criminal organisation have been spotted fighting back against the seemingly unstoppable threat that is Dr. Mean Body. After the villainous doctor brutally murdered our late great hero Mr. Pretty in the town square there has been no end to the theft and destruction. In our time of need, as the people prayed for a new hero to save us, the unexpected occurred. A group of burly men armed to the teeth and wearing the Carnageio uniform marched in and started subjugating Dr. Mean Body’s lackeys. We all thought this could only end badly; a gang war that would bring only more destruction to our poor city. But Carnageio’s men had a laser focus on Dr. Men Body and his crew; they seemed to do everything in their power to prevent destruction as they mowed down the true villains. There has yet been no sighting of Carnageio for months, but could it be that in his absence he has had a change of heart? Has the death of his rival spurred him to take up a new mantle? Only time will tell, but I for one will welcome any and all help, no matter what may have happened in the past.”

Carnageio was left dumbfounded. How could his henchmen possibly interpret “subjugate our enemy” as a call to save the city they had been tormenting for over a decade? After slapping himself across the face to ensure he wasn’t dreaming, Carnageio took stock of the situation.

This could be an opportunity. Being the villain had become stale. In his career he had done every heist, poisoned the water supply in every way possible, carved several images onto the moon and almost killed his arch nemesis. An arch nemesis which was now dead at the hands of another villain.

It didn’t matter if this was what he had intended for his life. It didn’t matter if this situation was a complete fluke. A new and unexpected path revealed itself before him and he wasn’t going to let it pass by.

Carnageio suited up, grabbed his best, most villainous weapons and set off into the city. He had a doctor’s appointment to keep.