How rediscovering my love for art helped me gain confidence in myself again

in Natural Medicine5 years ago (edited)

in reply to https://www.naturalmedicine.io/hive-120078/@naturalmedicine/win-100-steem-art-is-healing-challenge-plus-win-lotus-tokens

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul." Dieter F. Uchtdorf

My father always says that when I was a child I had a great sense of wonder - I was always marveled by every small detail in this word, from a beautiful leaf to a running squirrel at the park. This sense of wonder was translated into creativity. My body was urging with the impulse to express myself since a very young age. Obviously the first steps were drawing, painting and even sculpting. Everything around me inspired to create, and since I kept inventing worlds in my head, I wanted to represent those fantasy mystical worlds the best I could.

From drawing to writing, along with the endless hours spent reading books, I was not very social as a young girl. I had my best friend, who I still love very dearly, and that was basically it. I wasn't upset - I had my art, my characters, my imaginary world. I had my books, my pencils, my sketchbooks, my creativity.

I went to High School and pursued an Arts specialization. I was filled with joy with the prospect of spending three years creating and learning about art. Most of my teachers were good, but my class wasn't. My High School ended up being far from what I predicted, since I was sick through most of it (a medical mistake during an appendix surgery led to an internal bleeding that ended up giving me an aggravated form of sepsis) and I was severely bullied by my classmates for being nerdy/outcast/awkward. I ended up believing what they said about me, and I started having anxiety and panic attacks, depressive episodes and by the end of High School my creativity had almost disappeared.

The only art I've continued pursuing was writing. But the joyful heroic fantasy books gave place to depressive stories, the adventures to make the world a better place by defeating the Dark Lord gave place to hopeless and dark episodes. And even that, I always felt that my writing was not good enough.

I went to college to take Art Conservation and Restoration, where I made friends for life. Yet, I still had a big lack of confidence, I was still very awkward, and I couldn't find comfort in expressing myself again. Along with this came the emergence of social media - Facebook, Instagram, among others, started to be a part of our daily lives. Even though social media brought a lot of good stuff, the fact that I was constantly in contact with people that were so much better than me, that led better lives, that were far more talented, made me loose any interest in creating things. I knew I was never going to be good enough, so why should I continue?

Of course this came with the time I started taking strong anti depressants that made me an emotionless human being.

I was in a hole and I couldn't get out.

Maybe I didn't want to get out. It was so comfortable in the hole. No one could judge me in the hole. No one could attack me in the hole.

One day I was cleaning my room and I found a box with all my old sketchbooks. And I cried. I was so happy during those times creating new things. I was so happy with my sense of wonder.

Where did it all go?

That's when I decided that I needed to change. That I needed to come out of the hole and rediscover myself.

I took and International Volunteering experience in the English Countryside where I went to live in a farm in a self sustainable village for a few months, and also took time to reconnect with nature. This re-connection, that my body was longing for so long, awoke something in me. My body started shivering again with the need to create, to express myself. I started painting digital art and taking photographs of the nature surrounding me.

Creating my MC though digital art


Photographing nature in Trondheim, Norway

When I returned, I was a different person. I started to express myself again, through drawing, writing, painting, and even music and sewing. I learned how to play the piano alone, and lately I've bought and ukulele and started learning too. You know what I found? That when I play music, my brain also opens itself to new art. I've never associated playing music with expressing myself, since I've never been that talented to music.

But not now - I will continue to express myself, even if I am not good. Because I might not be a professional, but I am good enough for myself. That's all that matters for me.

As I've always been a huge nerd, I wanted to go to conventions, but as I've mentioned before, I was very shy, I got very anxious in crowded places. What was my solution? Cosplay!
I've started creating outfits with characters I liked. Since I was really into Steampunk at the time, I also created steampunk versions of famous characters. My first convention I went dressed as a Steampunk Harley Quinn (one of my favorite characters ever) and I felt comfortable. Why? Because I wasn't Leonor, I was Harley. I didn't feel shy or awkward, I felt empowered. I was dressing my art, and expressing myself as I was embodying another character.

IMG_20160619_093854.jpg

Me as Steampunk Harley Quinn

In conclusion, art made me the person that I am today. Re-connecting with my artist self made me find myself again. I've stopped judging myself too hard, learned to love what I created and, as a result, I've learned to love myself again. I've quit all medication, since I didn't really needed it. I continue to express myself everyday though various ways, without pressuring myself too much, without allowing my brain to compare myself to others. And with this, I've discovered that unintentionally I have also inspired other people to create art, to express themselves. Art doesn't need to be pretty, to be perfect, because art it always an expression of our inside, of our feelings, of our ambitions, of ourselves.
Like they say in the musical Rent , "The opposite of war isn't peace, it's CREATION". Creating things helps to end the war inside our body. It makes us a better human being.
And that's how art made me the person I am today. And I am proud of myself. I love myself at last.

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Art is one of those things that never seems to get really positive feedback these days. It's not something that's encouraged as a profession, so it can feel like you're always going against the grain and you end up being your own worst critic.

So glad you've claimed your love of it back.

It's true! People always look down on those who pursue their art. It's our job to show them how art is important :) thank you!

Beautifully written! I resonate a lot with not feeling that I’m good enough to express my creativity. Like there are some many people more talented. So why bother? But I have also realized I can do it for myself. That’s what matters. Thanks for sharing 🙏

It's true! It took me the longest time to realize that I needed to take care of myself! It's not selfish to put ourselves first, to love ourselves, to root for ourselves :) thank you for your words!

What a beautiful story! In the end, all these lows are necessary to learn lessons and make us in the person that we are now. Awesome to read how you have dealt with all those past experiences coming out of it so much stronger. Hurray for getting red of antidepressants by changing your life around and re-awakening your creativity!

Um abraço

Thank you so much for your kind words :) I think that something that always resonated with me was this kind of cliché quote "The devil told me 'you can't handle the storm'. But I replied 'no, I am the storm'". I use it when I feel down or hopeless :)

What a story of expressive artistic medicine! That's inspiring that you were able to become happy in yourself and not need the crutch of pharmaceuticals.

-Nate

Thank you so much :) I hope it inspires more people!

Gosh this really moved me. I love the photos and your stunning art. As i was reading this, I was thinking boy are you the perfect Steemian - creative, thoughtful, interesting and unique. I love your Steempunk outfit (Ican't spell 'steam' correctly anymore haha) and that photo of you playing the ukelele is gorgeous. I do hope you share more stories with us!!! xxx I am glad you found yourself and are gaining confidence in who you uniquely are! - @riverflows

https://www.naturalmedicine.io/hive-120078/@herbalist-fox/how-rediscovering-my-love-for-art-helped-me-gain-confidence-in-myself-again

Thank you so much! I'm so happy you've enjoyed :) <3 I'm really to have joined this community

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I have my own fair share of story to tell about my art, the discovery and desire.

Am glad you kept pushing on and discovered the desire in art.

Parents need to do more on support their children right from childhood to go for what they love.

Posted using Partiko Android

I agree! I was lucky to have very supportive parents, but they are both Art History teachers so they are more sensible to the Arts and Literature creations.
I would love to hear your story :)

In the 'inner' tradition of Chinese Medicine, the type of medicine that was practiced by the more esoteric alchemists, especially of the Complete Reality School, disease and illness was said to come about through the loss or disconnection with the 'authentic self'.

What I find interesting about 'art' — or probably more importantly — creativity in all its forms is how effective it is at creating re-connection with who we really are.

This is one such example.

Once we find ourselves entangled in conditions of chronic illness though, re-connecting with our true nature doesn't mean the illness disappears overnight. It took time for the physiology to devolve, thus it takes time to heal... and then there is the ageing process, which is natural anyway.

My point is don't despair if you think your illnesses are still present even when you are immersed in your true nature's expression. It takes time to heal. And you're on the right track.

Keep it up!!
😊🙏🏽☯️

Thank you so much for your words. They make so much sense. :)
I agree it's important to take time to heal and to continue fighting!


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This was really touching. A true story of the emotional/mental healing that art possesses. Your story is very inspiring and I hope it encourages those who are struggling in similar ways.

I’m glad that you were able to overcome so many oppositions and get off of that medication. I can imagine how happy you are when you’re doing your art which is very impressive btw. I love that photo you took in Norway as well. I look forward to seeing more from you :)

Following ~

Thank you so much! So glad you liked my little contribution :)