SteemitPhilippines Challenge|| " My New Year Goals"

in Steemit Philippines2 years ago

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T'was October 16, 2022 when the strongest typhoon in my life had happened that was stronger than Odette. A typhoon that smashed me personally and left me lifeless. That typhoon in my life that I thought will never ever happen to me. But yes! It did happen and in just one blink of an eye, my life has changed and turned into misery and in chaos since then...

I can still recall the last month that I posted here, t'was 7 months ago. I lost interest because what I have experienced for the past few months was merely not a joke. I even stopped posting here (steemit) because I can't find myself, I can't focus, I am bothered. My mind was recreating thoughts that I don't think are fair enough to my partner. T'was after typhoon Odette when I can barely see the red flags that "infidelity" is happening. But I can't drive myself to believe in my own instinct because sometimes it will mislead you to the truth and you will end up bearing the guilt for doubting or suspecting especially to the one you love. I hate being suspicious of everything but sometimes, that gut feeling always seems to be right at the end. Time is the ultimate truth teller, that is true. Middle of June, I received random messages from a stranger giving me hints that my partner is cheating on me. "Look after your partner because he has another woman", "I am just helping you, thank me later". Those are some random messages I received. My hands were shaking and my tears voluntarily ran into my disappointed face while reading it. I lost my emotions and rushed to get home. I threw myself in the bed because I felt a heavy load inside me. My tears are still pouring continuously accompanied by mixed emotions of sadness, doubt and hatred . When my partner got home I confronted him, with teary eyes and a sorrowful face. Good thing he denies it and the pain lessens though the suspicion is still there. His expression is blank and quickly composed dumb reasons. He said he was maybe being black mailed by someone who held grudges towards him a long time ago. He was just really a good player to make me believe his lies. Foolish me to believe those excuses!

And I move on to that feeling, he told me it's not true so why grieving for unreasonable things right? I refused to believe my instinct too and just chose to refocus myself to the positive things. I preoccupied my mind to work hard for daily survival while studying late at night preparing for my upcoming board exam in November. T'was middle of September when I received random messages again, from another stranger."Eye opener for the truth", "She is Miss "R", "Don't miss this message" . Those are some of the messages and that stranger even gave me an FB account of a certain girl. I stalk her but I don't find any hints and don't want to confront this girl directly because I have no proof or strong basis, this might be another blackmail and shame on me if I accuse someone else easily. So I screenshot all the messages and send them to him. But he neglected it, I received no explanation, no clarification, no justification, but just a simple word "We will talk about it".

I was puzzled by his response. Should I believe those anonymous strangers sending random messages to me? Should I believe in my instinct that there is really cheating that happened or should I believe in his sugar coated words that in the right time, he will marry me, that he has a pure heart and good intentions to me, to our family because he sacrifices a lot in the name of our family? I want to explode! I can't get an answer to everything that is disturbing my inner peace. Contrary to what I felt, he was unbothered, he was playing innocent like nothing happened at all and I was so foolish to believe his calmness in spite of the situation. The truth is knocking on the doorstep of our lives but it's me who refuses to open and unveil the truth because though I was eager to know the truth, certainly I have this feeling of being afraid of what really the truth is.

October 14, 2022 evening when he is nowhere to be found in each corner of the house, I message him where he is but say "just chilling with friends". Again my mind was trembling just like troubled water. My imagination bothers me and I ended up stalking again the FB account that was sent to me by a stranger and still no hint, because there's no name, no pictures, just a code name. A brilliant idea crossed my mind, I copied the code name and went to Instagram and pasted it and then boom!, the complete name displayed that starts with "R". I got the answer real quick! Not clear but sure! This is the girl and there is infidelity. I sent him a message again mentioning the complete name of the girl I just discovered and got no reply, I even called him countless times but he rejected it.

Already 1:00 am when he arrived home. I didn't sleep and just waited for him. I confronted him straight to the face, eye to eye with all anger and started acting wild, unconscious with the environment because the anger was dominant and my knees were shaking. My heart was overflowing with trouble and was eager to know the whole truth. He got his cell phone from his pocket and showed me a picture. I refuse to look! I want the truth! I yielded to him because I lost my temper. "I have no time for picture viewing or whatsoever!, just tell me the truth!". He is just standing firm right in front of me still holding his phone and the screen in my face. So I decided to glance at the picture, the truth slapped me the hardest. It was a live birth certificate with a girl's name with his surname, dated October 03, 2022 and the mothers name was the girl whom I stalked with. Suddenly, my world paused for a moment, my sight darkened and I was choked, I couldn't move, my whole body was paralyzed and I fainted. It's not just a simple cheat, but it was beyond my expectation, even the worst, this can't be true! this is absolutely - a nightmare, I want to wake up....

What happened next is that I found myself in the dark corner of the room sitting on the floor with my chin over my bent knees, with a river of tears that was dripping down endlessly, covering my mouth with both hands trying not to scream out loud. The truth was being served. I felt all the emotions, anger, hatred, self pity, feeling useless, not enough, garbage and all!. I want to run, to hide from the hurtful truth! I want to disappear and gone forever! I was drowned by my own sorrow. That time, I wish there's a reset button, probably I will push as quickly as I can so that I wont feel the utmost pain. That moment was tragic. I felt uneasy, unexplainable feelings yet the only clear to me is the feeling of hatred. Literally speaking, I want to die from that moment on! yeah, seriously! I can't calm myself. The pain is unbearable. I don't exactly know what to do. And he didn't try to utter any words of comfort, not even a single apology or give me his shoulder to cry on either or hug me in the midst of pain and sorrow, none of them. I only have myself at that time, weary and heartbroken. I glanced at my innocent son who was sleeping peacefully in the middle of the night. I realized for a moment that if I end my life, what about him? He's only two years old and very dependent on me. I should consider him too, at this lowest moment, I should not act selfishly, this too shall pass. I take a deep breath.

After all that happened, I stayed, yes I did ! He didn't ask or beg but I chose to stay. In the name of love and in the name of the family I played the role of a martyr and that's bulshit!. I chose to face every ghost of the past. Let the pain he caused kills me softly every single day. I endured and embraced the sadness just to give it a try, hoping that everything will work just the way it is. Trying to fix myself, trying not to bleed but deep inside my soul was dead. I have no focus at work, just find myself everyday wiping some undesirable tears in my cheeks, staring into nothingness. Good thing there's a mask that no one can even notice. I never attended our review for the board exam until it ended and didn't even study at all. It was useless, I couldn't focus and my mind was nailed in the trauma, in the pain, in sorrow. The day of the board exam has come and the result was released 5 days after and yes! As expected, I FAILED...I'm such a loser! a complete failure! I burst out to tears and even questioned God for his will. Why do you let bad things happen to good people? Why did you let me down and left me just when I needed you the most? Why didn't you give me the things that I prayed for, instead you give me challenges that I can't handle? Am I here in this world just to cry and suffer ? Are you happy to witness me slowly losing myself? Why?...

Those are the questions that have never been answered until now. But I continue life at its lowest. Well I have no choice! I pulled myself so hard to stand up and recreate the broken pieces of me because no one can do it but only myself. I tried, God knows how much I tried to act simply like it seems everything is okay. But deep inside my heart, I am still grieving. I stayed still in spite of it all, living with all the pain. We fight every now and then because I have totally no single percent trust for him. Lately, he pushes us away in his life because he wants to be happy and if we still keep fighting we are not living a happy life then, and no one can blame me for acting childish or strange. I was betrayed, I was hurt and I don't need anybody to validate what I feel. Cause it's not easy to be in my shoes right now. I am blaming this world for making me evil inside, that cruel thing that happened to me has transformed me into hard just like a stone. This was not me already but it's my evil version. I even curse them for giving me so much, so much, so much pain....

For now, my new year goal is a complete healing and unconditional forgiveness to all who have caused me pain. I was starting to make up my mind whether to stay or set him free and forget the happy and complete family that I aim for. I don't know how I was able to survive the past stormy months in my life but I will still go on in my life even if I can't find the right directions and even ahead of me were dark clouds full of hurtful memories. I'll keep goin! My son needs me, I know he can feel my pain but can't express it yet. I wish for a complete and happy family but it is impossible now, I prayed for a successful career but the same thing was never granted. I am very disappointed with what my life has turned out to be. But after all I have gone through, I know God is still with me even though I doubted him many times. I don't know what the world has to offer me in the future but the only one thing I'd ask for is a "peaceful life" for now. I want to recharge, renew and redirect my life to its purpose. That devastating event in my life might be the key to straightening my faith even more, reconnecting my life to God once again and to leave according to his commands. I hope and pray that the pain will end not maybe today but soon...

Might not be a very inspirable story but thanks everyone for reading. Would be appreciated if you would drop some golden advices. I'm inviting my friends to join this contest ma'am @yoieuqudniram, @emzcas and @jes88.

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 2 years ago 

Sayang...the damage has been done, I know it would be arduous to repair considering that he already had a child with another woman. Though its up to you if you still want to reconcile with him considering that you also have a child who needs a father.

It's sad to know that you are not entitled to fight for your right as a wife, I mean you cannot claim that he is yours and vice versa since you are only living together without the benefit of marriage.

However, you have the option to let him pay for what he did to you, those pain, mental or emotional anguish, sleepless nights are examples of psychological violence which is one of the grounds for one to be charged with VAWC. Even unfaithfulness is punishable under this law.

I am not sure if you were also abused physically but if you think you need help you can see someone from the women's desk section of the police station in your place so you can consult your case or situation.

I know you are smart, if you feel that you were abused which caused you pain and that you want him to face the consequences of his actions try reading this law "Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004 ( RA 9262)" this is your legal remedy since you cannot charge him with the crime of concubinage because you are not his legal wife. Since this is a private crime this complaint can only be lodged by the legal wife and no one else.

Anyway this is just an option. You can opt to follow what your mind and heart tells you. Try to consider @sarimanok's advices too! I find them most appropriate.

Lastly, do your best to be able to review and take the board exam again. It's for you, for your family, and for your son.

Take care and please don't ever question God about what you are going through, things happen for a reason, you may not be able to comprehend it this time but soon you will know why He allows these things to happen to you.

Amidst all those pain and probably unanswered questions? Pray to God and continue to pray...

 2 years ago 

Thank you for your golden advice Sir. That is true, I was emotionally and mentally abused by him but with all due respect to his parents, filing a case against him has never crossed my mind. Instead, I will let him go and let the pain live inside me until it will hurt no more.

Yes sir! I will reconnect with God and was very upset for questioning his will. I know living together without the element of marriage is a sin and maybe God separates our ways to save me from that hell thing. I'm on my way to live my life in God's care.

 2 years ago 

That's a long devastating story dear and I felt every word that has been suffocating you deep inside. It was a relief at least for airing your grievances to your "loving" partner and so untimely to your board exam. Believe me, I can relate to such misery because I've been there, not only once but multiple times that made me a martyr for the sake of our growing kids. To make the story short, it's good that you've uncovered such infidelity at early stage. You still have time to recover and be with your son. Don't cry for people who doesn't deserve your love. Think of your son who needed you the most and try to move on for the better hurting as it may. You don't have to beg for his mercy my dear. Focus on other things to keep yourself busy but don't follow his footsteps because committing another mistake is just like creating another problem. Time heal all wounds but the scar remains so they say so let that scar be a lesson learned to you. Be strong and be firm. Show him that it's his loss not yours. I hope and pray that you will find peace as the days go by. Think of yourself, make a reflection and move forward. God bless.

 2 years ago 

Thank you so much for your golden advice ma'am. For now, I will surrender all to God. Honestly, the pain is still very fresh but I should face this ghost from the past and overcome it. I am also sorry to hear about your story behind closed doors. I was not alone to undergo this kind of feeling and if you were able to overcome it, so would I. I just realized that HONESTY is very rare nowadays and I'm sad about it.

 2 years ago 

Root everything to your son and just gain strength from him. You might think it's unfair to go all through these but at least if faced with another kind of hurdle in life, you will have all the strength and numbness to face it. Head up high and focus on your future career and own family.

 2 years ago 

Thank you for the golden advice po. If not because of my son maybe i'm all gone from the moment I discovered it all. There's no exact word to describe the pain he caused me. As you've said, these challenges will strengthen me and I believed to that. Hoping for a new version of me will rise anytime soon.

 2 years ago 

Very painful experience sis. I was like reading a novel but a true story with your words.

bad things happen to good people for reasons beyond our comprehension, which only God knows. But one thing I am sure this too will pass. And when it does, you will come out a better version of yourself.

Aim for your goal of peace and forgiveness. I pray that you will have it very soon.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 2 years ago 

Thank you for your golden advice sis and for including us in your prayers. Yeah, I believed that this too shall pass and I promised once I'll get over it, I'll be the best version of myself. Life is too short to grieve so I must moved on.

 2 years ago 

sakita pod sa imong nahiagman sis. Im sorry it all happned to you. Prying for you and your son's healing po. I hope you'll see what God has prepared your for after this misery

 2 years ago 

Thank you for including us in your prayer sis. Yeah sakit gyud kaau na mas pilion nalang nimu mamatay kay sa mag antos. Im very sad gyud sa panghitabo sa akung life sis but dli na mabalik ang tanan. Hopefully wala nay maka experiences ani nga kasakit kay dli gyud sya lalim.

 2 years ago 

nahadlok pod bitaw ko ana mahitabo sa akoa sis, naunsa nga gamay naman lang laki nag loyal karon sa ilang asawa bus ampo lang gyud sis. Ginoo ra gyu dnag makahatag nimo ug kusog karon sa imong nahiaguman.

 2 years ago 

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 2 years ago 

Thank you so much sir for choosing my post.

 2 years ago 

Greetings to you @lonelylover,

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 2 years ago 

Habang nagbabasa ako sis nasasaktan din ako huhuhu.
Tama sis laban lang kasi andyan ang two year old son mo na kailangang kailangan ka niya.
You're more stronger than you think, kaya fight lang, malalampasan mo rin yan at soon mapapangiti ka nalang sa mga pinagdadanan mo, isa yan na storm sa buhay mo na magpapalakas at tatag sayo.
I'm not good in words sa pag a advice sis kaya sa mga kaibigan ko, taga pakinig lang ako sa kanila para lang mapalabas nila ang kanilang dinaramdam na sasabog na. Kaya pasensya kana ha. Pero isasama ko kayo ng anak mo sa prayers ko.

 2 years ago 

Sometimes in life, you don't need to be a good adviser but instead a kind listener. And I do really appreciate everyone else there who spare some time to listen or read my grievances in life. That would really help me to lessen the heavy load inside my heart. Thank you so much sis for including us in your prayers.

 2 years ago 

Thank you din sis, basta laban lang jud ta ani para sa atong anak.