While I'm reading this, I can't help but smile. Smile, because I can relate... at the same time I know that the fact that being able to write this up is a good thing. Like I always say to myself, expressing pain through any means will lessen the pain that I feel inside. And I'm glad that you shared your thoughts.

I do have them too. Usually when there's a slight inconvenience that happens to me, all I could think of is to quit. Quit now to prevent further pain. And I don't always mean quit as to end my life but they could just be ending relationships, ending projects, etc.. And when that thought comes up, I usually take a break from whatever that was, and examine my thoughts. I do acknowledge that it's just my anxiety and the imbalances in my brain that does this.

People tell me I'm doing okay but I never seem to impress my biggest critic, myself.

True. Impressing ourselves is so damn hard. I do have this struggle as well. Know that you are not alone in this.

Going back to what I said earlier: Once my therapist told me that the next time I'm having suicidal thoughts again, it's good to write them down detail by detail.. Release it all in a journal or whatever you are comfortable with. Record the date as well, etc.. Next thing, write the things that you're going to miss if you choose to end your life. Something like not being able to see my brother graduate, not being able to travel to my dream place, etc.. And think if you really want to miss them. It's not about guilt-tripping you, but it's some sort of reminding you so you'll have something to look forward to.
It helped me a lot. You can do that too and I hope it helps you as well.

Also, damn damn I love your writing! Your words and how you describe your feelings are just perfect. It's like I'm reading poetry but to you it might just be your normal writing. It's a masterpiece and I'm glad I was able to come across this.

And you don't have to drink alone. Let's share a drink if you want. I hope you'll be able to taste the sweetest drink once again.