This constant discomfort that I am always enduring could have lead me to take my own life if I am not God-fearing
When someone would ask me how am I doing, I really can't make a sensible answer about how to answer it. If I would say "I am OK", then I am just lying because my physical condition is what some doctors call "end-stage", not that I do have an end-stage renal disease (ESRD) but it is their way of saying that I am a hopeless case. I tried to nit think about it but it is really the case for me, I am just mentally trying to "suck-it up" but to endure this type of medical condition is really pointless so to speak. It is because no one really deserves to live like this where I am in a constant discomfort with my breathing, my body movements, my appetite, and the complications of dialysis treatment aside from spending money which is at the present moment, hard for the reason that currently, although Bitcoin value is still high, the series of downward push just "Rekt" the altcoin value and of course being dependent on the price of Altcoin myself to live off with its benefits, it is affecting my income to the point that I am getting emotional about it already. However I still find myself lucky because again like what I was saying in my previous posts, being in a better position than other people who can't earn like my co-patients at dialysis which have no clear means of earning and are relying only from their family members who might get soon tired of putting-up with their economic situation because of being a financial drag most particularly if physical dependence is involved, then I could not imagine what they are feeling about it. But thanks be to God I was able to free myself from experiencing that type of helplessness and uncertainty because of this rather "informal sector" way of making a "living". However it is truly a not a cakewalk when it comes to earning because I still have to "work" it out to mentally say to myself that "I deserve this because I had put an effort to it" and that factor quite really takes a toll on my body because although I am just writing, doing it every single day will really cause other people to get "burned-out" which in-fact had happened already to most of the bloggers hence their way of blogging. But there is no case about it because it is also in the "game" or at least in the gray area which it is neither right or wrong but people are choosing that route because it is easy. Anyway, with the type of activity that I was already doing for more than seven years now, something has to give for sure and true enough, maybe because of my age or my constant use of this laptop due to my need to prolifically post, it already affected my vision not to mention my overall well-being because of my current medical condition which I may have improved but the question is for how long?
Now, although my dialysis session is already three times per week, it feels like I am only getting two if not every five days dialysis session due to the fact that I ma no longer feeling the same quality of blood-cleaning that I was getting before no matter what my nurses are saying to me that I am getting dialyzed three times per week, that I am using a high-flux dialyzer, and that I can make them take off this amount of fluid from my system, I just can't believe them because of those reasons because I can feel that I am not getting the best treatment that I need and I have an evidence of that by just looking at my creatine levels alone is a more that bigger than Hollywood sign that my dialysis session had been degraded, maybe for their convenience so that they will not have to deal with complications like muscle cramps, and other common dialysis session complications but manipulating the setting in the dialysis machines had turned out to be very bad for the patient because again it ruins the cleaning action hence the patient's blood pressure is not corrected which is one reason why a dialysis patient must have dialysis aside from cleaning the blood, substantially taking out extra fluids so that the patient doesn't look like a puffer fish whereas many patients actually already succumbed from for the reason that they had a complication to their lungs (lungs got filled with water) which caused them death, a lingering death which could have been prevented by adjusting their weight into a lower level so that it can suck-out fluids from their lungs but due to the "play safe" system that they are doing, the overall well-being of the patients are not getting improved. However my case is different because although I can max-out the volume of fluid to be taken out from my body, it is quite equivalent of a normal-bodied patient being drawn out with six to seven kilos of fluids. It just meant that I cannot really tolerate being maxed-out for drawing fluids from my system but for normal-bodied patients that amount of fluids still belongs to maximum ideal amount of drawing out fluids so that it won't pretty much affect the heart. That is why this disadvantage is causing me so much trouble because I am exceeding the ideal fluid amount of water that I am permitted to load so that I would not experience things like hypotension which I actually had from the last time I got hooked-up where the nurses that responded had infused so much I.V. fluid (Sodium Chloride Solution) to my body that it made my fluid allowance in-between dialysis sessions to get lower, so now I feel heavy again and bloated which might get me in trouble if I would try to get all of it from my body. Well the result for me is that I still have to mind my fluid consumption because being bloated all the time is harder than you think, it affects both my breathing and my sleep quality altogether aside from dealing with being "under-dialyzed" at the same time which the latter would make e feel poisoned enough to give me nausea and consequently treading down on my already poor appetite. That is not the way to live where surviving in my case seems like to be nonsense anymore because of the aforementioned lesser quality of life where if other people are in the "same shoes", they could have taken their lives already just to be honest.
Aside from these aforementioned things that I am enduring, I still have other body complications and diseases that I have to contend with and one of them correlated with my backbone problem which I doubt that I can ever solve for the reason that it requires lots of money, stay in the hospital, the physical therapy, the pain management post-surgery, the years of recovery time, my survivability, and getting the possibility of getting the surgery in the first place is also a big, big question because of my obvious comorbidities. The stress and frustration of thinking about that alone puts me down in a tearless grief because I know that I needed it but to make sense of the factors that I mentioned, I cannot really push it through even if I have the funds. It is my belief that making a big difference about fixing my backbone will at least give me more quality of life because I will not have anymore issues about this constant breathing where I cannot take in enough air when i breathe-in and then causing me to catch my breath even if I would only whisper a prayer much less talk or even worse, to walk a small length of distance. So now I am just stuck to this unimaginable condition that deep in my thoughts I would just be better if I will die. But I am a God-fearing person and I do not wish to do that, in-fact I still want to live long enough for me to accomplish some of my goals which my family would benefit especially my parents who have invested a lot with all that they have especially the love that they gave me and are till giving me which is why I want to give them a token of my appreciation for their efforts. I really can't forgive myself if I will just waste their love and support by giving-up on this rather wretched life because they fought with me and because of hat they deserved to get dividends from their love that they and my siblings had given me. Aside from that I am also lagging about my Christian duties because of my physical distance and absence from my church and its activities to which I am also having a frustration about because my hands are tied and that other issue which bothers me has to be solved because I know that these Karnal things will all stop and pass-away but what I was longing for is that life in heaven with God where if I would be given a chance to step into, I will never have to remember how things went south for me while living in this world in which I put other people in trouble because of my physical misfortune.
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