Welcome to the show! Please note, no children were harmed during the production of this content.
Well, at least not physically harmed!
The psychological damage, though, that's anyone's guess!
Speaking of damage and sheer uncertainty:
All ye good people and bad bidbots of Steemit, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you…
the madman living inside my mind!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Thanks, really, you guys are too kind.
There’s really no need to clap.
No need to clap, guys, really. There's literally no need at all to clap!
Because in the next few minutes you’re all probably gonna go from applauding me, to rushing the stage en masse and beating me to death with my mic stand. Just wait, you’ll see!
Anyway, hi! I’m the madman living inside @brandt’s mind, pleased to meet you all.
And I’m sincerely happy that you’re all here. Because if you weren’t here, it would just be me up here talking to nobody, and that’s crossing just a bit too far over the crazy line, if you ask me.
You’d have to be a madman to do something like that!
So anyway, I’d just like to say, thanks for being here. Thanks for existing!
Not that any of you had a choice, of course.
You had no choice!
I mean, have you ever really thought about that before? Have you ever really, really thought long and hard about the fact that you had absolutely no say in whether or not you existed?
Nobody asked you if you wanted to exist! They just went and fucked you into existence!
They were like,
Life is hell and we hate ourselves and we’re really pissed about the fact that we exist, so we’re just gonna fuck someone else into existence so they can suffer too because fuck them, even though they don’t even exist yet!
Or something along those lines.
Then they took off their pants and went to town,
and nine months later, out popped you.
They didn't ask permission, they didn't bother at all to stop and think that maybe, just maybe, you might not want to exist in this horrible hellhole.
You had no choice.
No choice at all!
Here we all are, existing in this horrible hellhole, despite the fact that not a single one of us was asked if we actually wanted to be here!
We're all involuntarily fucked!
It’s unbelievable!
Mother’s Day, are you kidding me? Father’s Day, are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah, sure, thanks dad, I was really looking forward to being a member of literally the only species on Earth that’s constantly aware and terrified of its own impending death!
Thanks a lot, mom, I totally love being part of a world where the only way I can stay alive, is if something else dies!
Hello there, little rabbit, don’t you just love the delicious scent of fresh mountain air we get to enjoy so often around here? Too bad you won’t be smelling it much longer, because I like rabbit!
Hey now, brown cow! Aren’t you just the cutest thing ever! I sincerely hope the bolt gun does its job as opposed to, you know, not quite fully stunning you, leaving you partly conscious and still able to feel pain while they start chopping you to pieces. No, not kidding at all, that actually happens a lot! And this is all assuming of course that you’re one of the ones that doesn't die of exposure and exhaustion on the way to the slaughterhouse! Good luck, and I'll be sure to remember your cute little face when I'm eating you at Burger King!
Death! Suffering! Pain, disease, insanity, and insufferable existentialists like me!
Existence is the best thing ever!
It’s a crime, really.
Fucking someone into existence involuntarily should at bare minimum come with some kind of fine, if not jail time.
And what about the whole thing where they take and share nude photos of you before you’re even aware of your own existence, not to mention being anywhere close to the age of consent! There should definitely be some jail time included for that one!
Fucking someone into existence involuntarily should come with a hefty fine payable to the fuckee by the fuckers, to be deposited into a high-interest savings account so that when the fuckee turns 18 they can just head over to the bank and it’ll be there waiting for them. Hi, yes, I’m the madman inside @brandt’s mind. I’m here to withdraw my Involuntarily Fucked Money. I know, can you believe they actually did that to me? That takes some real balls to do that kinda shit to people!
If Involuntarily Fucked Money was a thing, then that way at least the fuckee’s got a halfway decent start on the things in life that are gonna cost the most. Like, paying for college, or making a down payment on a house.
Or maybe just fucking someone else into existence themselves!
Life is hell and I hate myself and I’m really pissed about the fact that I exist, so I’m just gonna fuck someone else into existence so they can suffer too because fuck them, even though they don’t even exist yet!
Does the cycle ever stop?
No!
It never stops!
And you know what else never stops?
This!
The Neverending Standup!
Welcome to the Neverending Standup!
I’m your host, the madman inside @brandt’s mind, and this has been Episode 1 — We’re All Involuntarily Fucked!
Thanks for existing!
Now let’s go make some fuckin’ BABIES!
Being fucked into existence isn't so bad if you're getting fucked, or not getting fucked.
That sounds like a quote for the ages!
You didn't think it was too fucked?
I guess it depends on whether or not we're gonna need the nsfw tag.
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You all must be mad!
I mean, thanks!
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LOL. I didn't expect that anyone would actually read my script. Hilarious.