8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

in #humor8 years ago (edited)

Girl on top? Excuse me, I signed up for sex, not CrossFit. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian.

1. Doggy (Not with Labradors, but Two Overweight Pugs)

I know porn tells us to arch our backs so far that we look like figure-skaters doing a Biellmann spin. However, porn also tells us we can pay pizza delivery guys with sex. Sure, it works in porn, but when I do it someone always gets hurt (or ends up paying $15 anyway). I prefer to do doggy the same way I dig for a slipper under the couch: face down, ass up, exasperated facial expression. Pretend you’re crawling through a tunnel to retrieve a mysterious fossil to spice things up.

2. Doggy (But You’re One of Those Dogs Missing its Front Two Legs)

Same as doggy, but you’re on your elbows instead of palms. If you believe in yourself, you can even be handsfree! This allows you to Google pictures of cute baby animals or eat a Cup Noodle.

3. Planking

Just lie there like you usually do, but this time you’re on your tummy so it’s technically a new position. Who says you don’t change it up?

4. Crime Scene Chalk Outline

You’ve gotta know your angles for this one. Essentially, you’re just lying there but one of your arms is bent above your head to provide a glamorous image for your partner to look at. Hitch up a crooked leg for extra glamour.

5. Touch Your Knees

It’s like touching your toes, but you don’t want to pull a muscle. Put a hand on each knee and squat slightly like you’re talking down to a rowdy child at your niece’s birthday party and get to work.

6. Goldilocks

You have to find a surface that is not too high, or too low, but just right. Then you sit on it while he stands and plows away. Just like the movies.

7. BDSM for Chumps

Trick your partner into tying you up. Oopsie, now you’re tied up and can’t move which means you can’t do any work or contribute physically! You’re welcome. Bonus: He now thinks you’re kinky. Downside: He now thinks you’re kinky.

8. Just Fucking Lying There

Just hurry up and finish so I can go back to watching Chopped.

I hope this list helps in your journey for sexual fulfillment without the effort. Join me next time when I teach you the art of the Blow-Internship (a blowjob without the payoff).


I originally published this piece here.

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oh yes! I remember reading your article before! HILARIOUS! The same thing happened to me when i first posted one of my Medium articles. I received a snarky comment, and I was actually glad that the community is hypervigilant about plagarism. This is great! It means the ecosystem will remain healthy. Ellie, I never told you on Medium, but I think out of all the writers, I'm the most jealous of you!!!!! I was told many times by people that I should do stand-up comedy, but I'm too fucking shy to actually do it. It took me 41 years just to get over my shyness in order to give a public speech. It scares the shit out of me to stand up in front of people. that's why i hide behind my computer screen 24/7.....
I can't believe you said this one: "My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. "
Holy crap. I guess each generation gets gutsier and breaks the rules of the previous generation......I could be your mother! I'm Generation X, which means that you don't even know what that means, seeing how the news never fucking mentions my generation anymore. Just think of my generation like this: It's the generation defined by depressing music, clothes with ripped holes and lead singers who commit suicide. That pretty much sums it up! Kurt Cobain killed himself in during the month I graduated from college!

You're so sweet! Honestly I'm like super shy (especially when meeting new people) and I feel like the only reason I can do standup is because I memorize everything so that I can think about that and not the fact that people are staring at me.
I'm excited to keep using this platform!

You're "killing it" already.

Sweet? Maybe, but really desperate for female voices that make me die laughing....

Okay, I just did! Sorry, still new to the site and figuring everything out.

yeah, it's great once everything is figured out. I can help you with the converting of your currency (once I figure it out). I have done a TON of research so far as this cryptocurrency stuff is new, as i think it might be for you too. Are you familiar with Bitcoin? I knew a lot about Bitcoin in 2012, but I was not aware of the other cryptocurrencies, and it's morphed into a new world, with ethereum...it's so exciting, I can hardly stand it.
if you need help, let me know! How exciting that you're here. YOU ARE HERE!!!!

Yeah, I'm Ellie Guzman. I'll post proof once my hair doesn't look like a bird's nest later today.

I'll remove my downvote then

That's funny, it's good to see people being called out on originality, on my first post I was figuring it out and hadn't gotten the link in yet and in five minutes someone also suggested to post the link . I had actually just gotten the link edited in rift before he commented but it's still much appreciated.

But it's good, transparency and honestly are solid qualities.

just tweet this article to proof :)

For sure! Thanks for looking out for plagiarism, tweeting it now

More arousing than funny actually, can't stop thinking about sex now :P

Hilarious, I'll show these to the wife! Especially 1, 2 and 6

;-0

CG

CG