The Dumbest People in the World Are on the Internet

When the message boards have got you down
And the comment section is giving you frowns
And your frickin’ Facebook feed
Is making your brain bleed
Don’t worry, honey, don’t fret
The dumbest people in the world
Are on the internet

Oh, when old high school friends you never liked are streaming idiotic
And semi-literate TV-junkies are tweeting about geopolitics
And that dude that hosted a GoFundMe to pay his rent
Won’t stop ranting about macroenomics

Don’t you reach for that gun, my friend
And for heaven’s sake don’t unplug (!)
The problem is the druggies
Not the drug

So, when the message boards have got you down
And the comment section is giving you frowns
And your frickin’ Facebook feed
Is making your brain bleed
Don’t worry, honey, don’t fret
The dumbest people in the world
Are on the internet

When that friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend that friended you
So you had to friend back to be polite and then immediately regretted it
Keeps telling you what you’re doing wrong with your life
Oh, my dear, just put down that knife

And when people disparage centuries-old philosophy
With sound bytes and memes
And when they disregard a scientific study
Because, like, their one friend doesn’t fit the statistic
Dear friend, don’t throw a fit

Because when the message boards have got you down
And the comment section is giving you frowns
And your frickin’ Facebook feed
Is making your brain bleed
Don’t worry, friend, don’t fret
The dumbest people in the world
Are on the internet

When you find yourself typing in a furious sweat
Bringing the ruckus against twenty opponents
And then all of a sudden stop and realize
That you have no idea what anything you said actually meant

And when you accidentally retweet something fake
But you can’t delete the tweet fast enough
To stop the retweets of your retweet
And all of a sudden you realize that your intellect
Is a Potemkin village housing a crazed religious sect

Don’t you worry
Don’t despair
Your enemies are already lost in nether worlds of their attention spans
And soon you’ll be joining them there

Oh, when the message boards have got you down
And the comment section is giving you frowns
And your frickin’ Facebook feed
Is making your brain bleed
Don’t worry, honey, don’t fret
The dumbest people in the world
Are on the internet