Jason Bourne's Day Off [Diary]

06:00
I normally treat myself on my day off and sleep until 06:10 but I had a flashback in my dream about a past event so I woke up in a sweat at 05:58. I lay in bed for the twelve minutes playing candy crush. Level 120. The one with the candies regenerating. I need two sweet ribbon wrappers together to wipe the board but keep getting the stripe sweet. Pain in the balls. That reminds me. I have a doctors appointment at 09:30.

06:10
I get up and get dressed. Perimeter is still secure. I take my pistol off the locker beside my bed and holster it down my ankle.I make coffee then go online. I cannot stay in the one location for too long so I always use Airbnb to find a new place to live in a different country. Easier than giving the passport at hotels. I have to be careful. Last week the hosts tried to kill me. There was two of them, they were showing me around, very interested in showing me the bathroom, discovered they were contract killers at first sight. I took them out but was injured in the process. I left them in the closet. Whoever really owned the place gave me 1 star on Airbnb for leaving a mess. It was probably the Russians who owned the apartment or safe house to catch me out. Great joke giving me one star guys. Not funny!! On a serious note that has really affected my Airbnb overall rating. It was low enough anyway because sometimes I left through the window without saying goodbye leaving the keys in the flat. .As well as that the last real host named Maureen nearly blew herself up after I left a claymore at my door. I just got there in time. She was calling me for breakfast which was divine by the way. I now only get attic rooms or places in really dodgy neighbourhoods which is a shame. I am moving to Turkey to avoid detection. Very little street cameras in Turkey but the seasonal priced flats are way above my budget.

06:30
I look up flights to Istanbul. Their luggage allowance is 15kg. My bag is 17.9kg so I will have bring hand luggage. I hate having hand luggage in departures because I need to keep alert but on the plus side I have a place to put my Toblerones. OK flight booked and checked in online under a false name. Must make sure I remember who I am meant to be. Took ages to confirm a new email address. Gmail are slipping up. If I had my own PA this spy game would be a walk in the park but most of my days off revolve around booking flights and sorting out accommodation.Spent the next few minutes looking up youtube. The best defence against a leaping wolf.

07:00
Jump on Tinder Turkey. It's hard to find someone when your profile photo is me wearing a hat, beard and sunglasses. I am unlucky with love, mainly because they end up as a pawn and are brutally murdered by my threadstone hunters. I need to stay in the shadows so someone who is good looking but not THAT good looking. A Rene Zellweger type. [Right, right, left , right, ummm too good looking, no, no,yes,no]
A Match comes up. Zehra. Yessss.
She's typing........
What ..... do ..... you .... do .... for ...a .... living?
Chef. Type chef.
*....Chef. *
You .... are .... a ...bit .. of ...a ... dish.
Nice one I'm in here . Why did I say chef? Casey Ryback in the film under siege pretended to be a chef and he ended up in the middle of 2 terrorist plots but saved the day.The plot of the film itself is actually mental. How can he only be qualified to be a chef?? That is beside the point. That reminds me I must watch that film on the flight. Date sorted for tomorrow night and its only 07:30.

08:00
Make breakfast. Have a protein shake. Burned the toast because I heard a noise. Took the gun's safety off. It was Larry the postman. Put gun's safety back on. Spend the next hour looking at google maps of Istanbul. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Plan route to doctors using google street view avoiding any street cameras in process. Doctors is 10 minutes walk as the crow flies. Takes me 25 to avoid all the camera.

09:29
Reached the doctors. I walk in. There's 4 escape routes, a fire hose, 1 old civilian with a sore back and a pregnant civilian in her 20's. Location is clear. Doctor was pleasant. He asked what the problem was. During the fake airbnb host fight one of the henchmen kicked me in the testicles which resulted in a one ascending up my groin. It is not the first time I had retractile testicle but I don't want to talk about it. I tell him football match. The doctor was very dexterous and somehow managed to pop it out. Sore but relieving. Fair play to him. It would of been uncomfortable viewing for Zehra tomorrow evening.

10:00
Stop at a shop to buy a new black jumper.There was a nice warm one that really suited me but I couldn't find it in my size. I ask the staff and they said they are all out. I bet there is some in the stockroom.

10:05
In the stockroom. No cameras. They have it in my size.Lazy so and so's.I am going to email a complaint when I get home.I've a good mind to set the sprinklers off. I take the jumpers and leave 50 quid on the box it came in. The forklift driver will have concussion for a few days but he didn't see me. I took a sneaky selfie before I left. What do you all think?

10:30
I go to the supermarket and do a bit of shopping. I want to make a curry tonight because I didn't have one in a while. I like to do the slimming world Katsu curry recipe because I like to keep lean and below 5% body fat. Can't bloody find the curry power. FML. It's never easy to find. A staff member shows me where it is. At least she wasn't lazy. I need some chocolate. Chocolate is my weakness. If Threadstone sent some chocolate bars to do their bidding I would be dead and buried long ago. They are all out of toffee crisps so I just settle for a curly wurly. I love England and it's quirky chocolate bars. I'm in Aldl so I come out with a wetsuit and a snorkel as well. You can't beat a good Aldl bargain.

11:30
I'm being followed. Shouldn't of broken protocol. Clothes shopping was unplanned.I found a tear in my other going out top and I needed a new one. There must of been a camera somewhere. I'll lose them down the banks of the river. I had a two minutes head start on them. I ditch the shopping bag and jumper in a bush. I put on the snorkel and the wetsuit and jump into the river Thames . The two guys run past me. I wait until they are gone. This snorkel is really good quality. I get out of the river and go back to the ditch. A homeless guy has my shopping bag and is eating my Curley Wurly. For f**k sake ,I hit him a backhander and slapped the bar out of his good for nothing mouth. He just ruined my evening tea plans. Then I do a double take.

12:00
Threadstone are onto me again. They want to kill me as usual. I have gone rogue again apparently and I am now a a target, I got a tip off the same girl who always contacts me.The one with the bob but looks slightly different everytime she helps me out. She definitely likes me. I don't know how she is still alive and why she helps me. She was dressed as the Curly Wurly thieving eating homeless man. I feel so bad now. But clever girl, she knew I love a Curly Wurly and would get a message across with a new passport.



Those two following me were the normal guys but there is bound to be a Threadstone operative on their way to take me out. The French guy who did the little dance in Oceans 12 was my hardest opponent to date but the Russian guy was an excellent driver as well a few years ago. I was lucky to get out of that in my mini. Who will they send this time? Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris. They keep getting harder anyway. Thats all I know. Time to plan my route back to the abandoned office opposite CIA head quarters.I normally get a sniper rifle and pretend I'm in new Zealand then tell them all what they are wearing real time for dramatic effect. It is normally the best part. Normally they leave me alone for a couple of years. But the last five times they are not getting the message so this time I am going to shoot one of them. Message might sink in then.

13:00
Get back to flat and pack my stuff. Need to change my flight from Turkey to Norfolk airport to get to Langley. Spent a few minutes on hold to customer services. Another boring job of a spy on his day off.No more Money Penney's since the me too campaign. So after some time arguing I managed to get a part refund. I text Zehra to tell her I cannot make it. I was looking forward to some Turkish delight. I wish there was someone around to hear that pun. I have a sandwich. You never see me tucking into a nice sandwich. BLT. Time to book a taxi to the airport.
At least the flight to Norfolk will allows 25kg. Can get the wetsuit in now. It is still wet though.My stuff will smell when I land and I will have to go to the laundrette. I pack and tidy the flat and leave a tip to get my star up on airbnb.

13:20
Black cab arrives.Very hard to track me in one of these. There are thousands of the same car all over London. He knows I am foreign. Takes me the long way around. Pisses me off. He thinks I'm Chevy Chase. Stupid American. I pistol whip him and throw him in the boot. My cover is blown anyway. I leave the car in the short term parking at Heathrow. I go straight into terminal building with an empty suitcase so I am seen by the security cameras. Then I go into the toilets, leave the suitcase and climb through the plasterboard tiled ceiling.I run along the beams and escape back out of the building through a vent. I go back to the car and drive to St Pancreas. I stop at a payphone to ring to say there is a suspicious package in a toilet in Heathrow. I arrive at St Pancreas and get the Eurostar to Paris. My flight from Paris to Norfolk is 18:30.Good diversion but two flights cost me an arm and a leg.

14:00
On train and finally get past level 120 in candy crush. Today is looking up. Uh ohhhhhh I forgot about the guy in the boot of the taxi. Can't ring the authorities until I am safely in Langley.Long wait for the taxi driver. Good karma. He won't do that again. I watch Under Siege. Casey Ryback has better moves than even myself.

15:00
Arrive in Paris. No problem going through airport. Ditched the gun. Avoided cameras.At departures my belt went off in the metal detector. I hate when that happens. Boarded the plane to America. I am gonna have to sleep in that abandoned office tonight. No time to research places. This is not all it is cracked up to be. I'm starving again from all the going. The cold river didn't do my retractile testicle any good either. This is the 5th time now they are after me. Nothing is worth this hassle and I am broke. I am just going to kill them all this time.Seriously and that will be the end of it

23:30
Arrive at offices opposite Threadstone mission command. Why do they still have clear glass windows. Some people never learn.

06:00