THE RIB-CRACKER RÉSUMÉ FOR DAYS – Tips for Rookies looking to land that first job.

For many years working in middle management for various organizations, I have had a jolly good time reviewing résumés from college graduands hopeful to land their first job. A good many such résumés were rib crackers for days, not sharing would be criminal on my part.
Over the last decade Zimbabwe’s economy has been in sharp recession experiencing negative growth resulting in a shrinking job market. Sustained economic decline has led to unemployment figures of around 90%, versus a highly educated population. In such an environment an impressive résumé definitely draws a hard separation line between the hopeful employables and the hapless loafers. Infact in my years of recruitment I have seen all sorts of résumés, some, such a glove-fit you would think the job description was fashioned out of the hopeful candidate’s résumé. On the other hand, some so jaw-droppingly ridiculous you would swear you were on a reality television show and someone was just going to show up and tell you it's a bluff, they are really not serious about landing the job. Be that as it may, there are parts of the many résumés I reviewed that never failed to make my day. There was all too often a tendency by novice employment hopefuls to turn the résumé into a piece of creative writing bordering on fiction.
So it's an unwritten rule in the recruitment practice that the perfect candidate is not just about impressive past experiences and a great academic profile, but also the softer aspects, like what the candidate does in their free time, this makes the candidate more human. So generally the this human face of the candidate this is found under the Hobbies Section. So I came across a number of candidates who would write:

Hobbies: Sky-Diving, SCUBA Diving, Skiing, Ice Hockey, Horse Riding.
So this would be me thinking...
“What? Are you kidding me? Are those really your hobbies? Am sure this must be a cut and paste job gone sour. You and I both know that you have never been on a plane in your life let alone skydive. The only flying you have ever done is off the handle”
“Seriously SCUBA-diving? the only time your head has ever been completely under water was during your baptism at church at a local river, the bucket you use for your regular bath does not afford you such luxury. Horse Riding? Purleeeeease, the closest you have ever come to a live breathing horse is that mule you abused with an overload during harvest season. Make believe exotic hobbies you have never done (most likely will never do) will not increase your chances of getting the job, they will just make your résumé all the more rib-cracking”
Had I been afforded the opportunity to meet with some of these hopefuls I would have assured them that it was perfectly normal and okay to mention real hobbies undertaken and indeed unashamedly enjoyed by ordinary Zimbabwean folk living Africa, such as watching TV, going to church, gossiping with friends and neighbors, abusing your spouse, boozers soccer, knitting, reading the newspaper etc. I would have motivated for purging that very thought of wanting to assume that your hobby is cycling, running or hiking, No! No! No!, that is your means of getting to work, your mode of transport and not a hobby.

Experience: Highly experienced professional with relevant skills.
So I would wonder...
“You are educated, yes, just completed your undergraduate degree which you undertook straight from high school, so No! No! No! you are not “highly experienced” rather say “as green as chlorophyll but willing to learn”. The only experience you have is plagiarized mediocre-mark assignments and assuming you are the coolest thing that ever walked through varsity, welcome to the real world, we actually need to see demonstrable experience”

References: Professor Johns.
“You did not graduate top of your class, so in order for Prof Johns to actually remember you from hundreds of other students he taught for just a semester, you would have had to be either extremely smart or supernaturally dull, otherwise he just won't remember you enough to be a good reference, else your best bet from college is the janitor. Rather choose someone who really knows you individually not merely as a registration number on a term paper.
And refrain from that shameless and blasphemous act of name- dropping a high profile figure as your reference, simply motivated by that single chance encounter you had with them and you said hello to them (trust me they really have no clue who are, neither do they care). And you can be as sure as hell your potential employers are not going to embarrass themselves calling them you are better off disabusing yourself of that toxic fantasy. If you are really hard pressed, and need a reference with a bit of clout, that your church Pastor will do just fine, even your friend”. Other its well known you are fresh from college and may not have any heavyweight references.
Just my thoughts, nothing personal!