Strong Women - Holding on

This is one person's story that has changed my life and pushed me to keep trying to genuinely love and care for my friends.

As I write this series, I'm going to change the names of people and places to maintain confidentiality.

This story takes place a couple years back when I was living and working in South Korea. I'll try my best to recall the details.

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The First Encounter

Over my time travelling, I've embraced ways of meeting people that I wouldn't have as much when I was growing up in Australia.

I first chatted with Ellie through a language exchange app in my time in Korea. Though a majority of the men on these apps have ulterior motives generally, I had made many friends and introduced them to one another through this app.

Ellie was particularly interesting. She was learning Chinese, way beyond my level.
Not only Chinese but also had interest in Cantonese.

In all my time in Korea, I'd only met 2 people who had interest in Cantonese. Over the first conversation we bonded over the 80s HK rock band Beyond.

I grew up listening to my dad play the songs on t v and just about every hk person knows this classic.

It was an immediate connection because it hit at my pride in hk pop culture.

The next thing that happened was a little more strange.

She sent a voice clip of her singing to a Beyond song.

Okay. I guess people do that.
I'm not a big fan of sending audio messages especially to strangers on the internet, but it also made me more curious what kind of person she was.

A week or so passed before one day after work I visited her neighbourhood and we met up over some local Korean blood sausage soup (순대국밥). I was the first foreigner she had decided to meet up with over the language exchange app.

To be honest I was a little worried. Having known the kinds of people other friends have encountered online. She seemed too naive.

We talked about meeting people and strange people.

She shared that a trait she had was she hated her empathy. That she had so much empathy she would cry for other people or animals.

Wow. She must love people more than me, I thought.

As Korean culture persists, she paid for the meal as I was the guest to her part of the city.

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The Tears

The second time we met, I was nearby the shopping district and she happened to run some errands as well.

We met up and eventually made our way to a small park where we chatted on a bench.

We were talking about family.
My dreams to become a dad and what that meant.

It was then she revealed to me she has no father.
She had never met her father.

Her mother was pregnant with her. And the father ran away.

The mother's family then disowned her mother.

Thrown into poverty. The mother worked multiple jobs whilst Ellie was left to the neighbours.

She grew up her first 7 years in different family homes. Rarely seeing her mother. She never developed that bond.

When they moved back in together, they didn't get along.

There was resentment for not being there as a mother. And as a young child, no one could blame that natural longing for a parent.

She became very quiet growing up in school.
Closed to others, kept to herself.

As the relationship strained between the mother and daughter.

It was clear what the problem was.

A mother who struggled to provide for her child, with no family to support her. How much she would have to suffer in this world and how much she would have to sacrifice to just provide the basic necessities to her child.

A child that desired love and relationship who did not understand why her mother was not there in her life.

It broke my heart hearing the situation.

At 14, she left home and moved to another city through government welfare program and into a boarding school. She chose that path because she no longer wanted to be a burden to her mother's life.

Over the next few years, she would blend into society. Forgetting her past. Play and enjoy her adolescence.

Sure she visited her mother once a year or 2.
It was always met with hostility. Not because there was no love. But because her daughter was not successful, not stable.

Ellie graduated from university.
Found part time jobs and lived month by month scrapping in the rent.

Full time work was a mirage considering the competitive scene.

It became apparent to me that she had not seen her mother or heard from her in over 2 years. They had a fall out the last time she visited.

The same reasons.

She could understand. Ellie grew to be an empathetic person, showing kindness to strangers, loyal... but deep rooted in her there was a pain and sorrow that she could find no solution to.

She sat there. Tears rolling down. Embarrassed at her own emotions.

I could only sit and listen. Because that was the best I could do.

She knew her first step was to find some financial security, and then resolve the conflict with her mother.

That was not everything yet.
She had depression.

As she told me her past relationships. Manipulation and reliance.
The partners who had problems also.

It was easy to attach herself to others with similar issues. Others who could relate.

When sick people get together with sick people. It can become toxic and dangerous very easily.
They all ended quite badly.

There were details she had kept suppressed for years even from her closest friends.

Why? I asked.

She had a very small group of friends. 1-2 and they all had depression.
They would just add negative energy if she shared.

After sharing all this. She seemed to relax again. But I could see it was hard.

Thinking back to my university psychology courses. I tried to encourage her and empower her.

"You are your best friend."
"You know yourself best."
"You can work through it in your own timing"

I could make no empty promises.
People can sweet talk all they want but at the end of the day.

People disappoint.
Society disappoints.
The world disappoints.
Life disappoints.

We gotta pick ourselves up. Doesn't mean help isn't there, it's important, but we cannot always rely on others.

That day we parted.

She left me a great impression. There was also sadness in my heart. And a lot of sighs.

The world is not fair.

Some of us are so privileged.
We take the basics for granted.
Family.
Friends.
Shelter.
Education.

It opened my eyes a bit more.
How it would be like... to have no family...

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I will finish Ellie's story in my next post