My bio could be yours. And it probably is.

Ayo, Younger Edition of Gunn. Better write a bio while you're still good looking.

If I could go back to 1977 (high school), I'd tell my past self to get really good at writing short bios. You're gonna need them, I'd say, to create profiles to do anything. Apply for a job online. Tinder date. Review a donut on Yelp. (To which my past self would say, what's online? And what's a Yelp? And why is my Future Self so fat?)

They all come with the same basic requirements -- hobbies, occupation, education -- so they all sound the same. And no one, least of all me, is bold enough to say who they really are. Except maybe my friend Eric who (truthfully) includes on his resume that between 1990-91 he fought forest fires on while high on acid.

I've become so cynical that this is what I currently use for every directory at every writer's workshop I go to:

Thaddeus Gunn would rather do many things other than write a short bio: Dip a hangnail in lemon juice, eat a hair sandwich; or belly-flop into a vat of live, wriggling porcupines for example. He’s written some nonfiction stuff that’s been published and some that won a prize and some other stuff just for money. This is the nth time he’s been asked to write a short bio for the workshop directory, and he has totally phoned it in every time, so why should this time be different? He lives in Seattle.

What I like about this bio is that it's short. And it's true, both in content and tone. I am sicktofuckingdeath of writing bios.

Here's something that's more accurate:

Education Miseducation: "Invest in plastics."
Hobbies Obsessions: Bears.
Occupation Preoccupation: Bears.

If you could write a one-line bio about yourself -- true or not -- what would it be? Let me know in the comments.