I get knocked down but i get up again

Hello everyone,

My name is Matt, I am from Neillsville Wisconsin, a small town right in the center of the state.

I have an older brother and older sister, my mother raised us for the most part in a single parent home, my father passed in 1986. I would have been 9 at the time, I didnt know him but once I got older and took a look at myself and why I am the way I am or do the things I do the lack of that male father figure really affect me quite a bit.

I went to a private lutheral school from grades 5-8, my transition to high school from the small school was not easy. I did not pay attention, I doodled, I would get detention and skip detention because I would get a 1 day suspension. Seemed like a good trade. My freshman year I already had started drinking, smoking cigarettes and was smoking pot to. Smoking pot turned into selling pot and that really did not do me any good at all. I got caught with a bag in woodshop and banned from those classes which I actually had my eye on for careers after school. I struggled through school but was actually about a B average student, almost dropped out but stuck it out and got my diploma. Got in more trouble with pot, sitting my first jail sentence as an adult of 30 days. Moved away, ended up getting my house raided and possession through a blood test. That one got me 6 months. I eventually got out and went to a halfway house, stayed in that town and you guessed it wasnt long before more pot related charges were coming my way. I got mixed up in a lot of things I wish I hadnt, but ended up getting revoked off probation, getting 9 months in jail, getting a year sentence and more probation. I told myself I was going to make the best of this, that this was the start of a new life. A great life.
I was sentenced with work release, and landed a job (which i still have). 15 years!

My entire life I had an affinity for music and making mix tapes and cds and eventually was introduced to raving where I felt strong connections with the music. I traveled all over the Midwest partying and saw some amazing shows, I wanted to be a part of that culture and music scene so badly. So I decided I was going to follow this dream and make it come true no matter what. So, while I was sitting in jail and getting out for work I started to buy vinyl records, my mom of course questioned me if I was sure I wanted to spend money on records and if I was going to be still interested in this in a few years. I tell her of course I am, I am sure about this. For an entire year I bought records once or twice a month, I got out and had 2 milk crates full.... and no turntables. I found some turntables, and a mixer got them ordered STAT. I learned to match beats, and recorded my first mix set 2 weeks later. Redline to headline... that was me. I was terrible, but I would listen to my sets and learn from them. I played and I played and I played......I also stayed out of trouble.

I maintained my full time job, a part time job in a kitchen on the weekend, I met a girl who I would ask to be my wife and she said yes. I completed probation for the first time in my life, even 9 months early. I was staying out of trouble and life was good.
I eventually tried to start getting into the DJ world, and was denied repeatedly. I tried to get a fellow DJ just to let me have a couple short 15 minute sets, or to rent me sound and he denied me, bar venues wanted to keep their DJ because they had a following (same dj who denied me). I started making demo cds, I had a couple promo cds one was more classic rock remixes, the other more pop remixes and the dirty laundry series which was 3 different CDS that were many eras of music of music with mostly fidget and electro remixes. I started to really make a more aggressive approach to getting out there and it worked. I finally got my break in 2009 after 5 years of practicing and preparing. My music library was full of pop remixes and standard music finding the compromise that I would need to play in my hillbilly town. I would have been happy playing a few events a year, I never expected to blow up like I did. My third year I was playing 40+ gigs a year.

I had bought a house for me and my fiance in 2011, in 2013 discovered she was cheating and massively abusing vicodin and other drugs. I wanted her to stop, she apparently had 11% liver function, and I had hoped for the rest of our life to be a long time. This caused some space between us then it wasn't long until I found out she was cheating. That ended that.
I was able to hold everything together on my own for awhile and was doing it really well actually. I was pretty in touch with reality and sort of got a keen interest on human behavior and psychology. I would read into what people would say, and see the excuses or way they pass blame and play victim. I would encourage people to be there for for family, and if something is worth fighting for fight for it.. forget the score card.
So when my sister asked me if I could help her and let her stay with me, I had to walk to the walk. As an introvert, this complicated things. I have privacy issues, and feel like i need to guard my stuff.. so I started to become withdrawn and sheltered.
2014 - Disaster strikes. I left my gear in the bar to get it the next day, well the fire that started in the bar had other plans. 90% of my dj equipment was lost in the fire. I took it well at the time, I told myself I could replace it even if I had to buy on credit.. I wasnt going to stop. I loved doing this. I know I was hurt much deeper than that, I called all my best friends no matter how far away they were or how long its been... every single one of them was there for me and helped me get through it.
Anyway, I did recover things over time, but things weren't the same anymore. I don't think I was the same anymore. I got sloppy at an all day wedding, decided to drink bloody marys all day and had a day full of bad decisions. As a professional, I was embarrassed and humiliated. The next couple years business really died down, and I let it.

The last few years I just let things get away from me, and its continued to get worse. I almost lost my house twice ,I got a salt water aquarium I let go but still is doing well actually, used up most of my credit, drained my IRA, constantly over draw my checking account and am struggling a lot. The depression affected my work performance, I have almost lost my job twice, my hours got cut, I almost killed myself on the interstate (not on purpose) after a gig, the motor of my car blew up, the backup ride has needed a lot of money to get running and constantly needs other repair (now its the windshield washer transmission). I am tired of the dark thoughts, and feeling hopeless. Things are looking good overall, I just am buried and dont see a way out. I have done so good, and come so far but feel like I am about to fall to pieces everyday.

That is actually why I am here, in chasing my dream I told myself there is never an acceptable reason to give up, no matter what. If you love something, you fight for it and you find a way. This is me, taking my own advice. I love djing, i love my aquarium, I love my house, I hate the yard but i love the house, my life is worth fighting for.

I am here, with no idea what I am doing here or what my next moves are or which way I will turn. I have a race against time before the electric is shut off, I have emailed them and expressed my desire to work something out so hopefully that buys me some time.

I dont know, maybe if I post a fund raiser I could give away some of these colorings I have done, or sell them off and at least have something to give people for helping me. Some of them are animated if you get wash lighting that changes color on them. These are a just a few, I have a lot, some I drew the pattern myself, others were printed and colored


The other thing I have to offer is 25 gigs worth of music I have recorded, I have the promo cds I made which were good also. There is also some audio files recorded during a coloring session with a friend where I talk about music and the experience as a DJ. These recordings are extra special to me because while I am telling my story and how it started I make some connections and realize some hidden truths which actually make me choke up and call a time out. I could share those if I get something rolling. Its not material things, but its something that is meaningful to me and has never been shared.

I dont know what I will do, but this is my hello. I welcome any appreciate any feedback or constructive criticism.

I have plenty of good things in my life, worth fighting for and worth living for. I think this retreating may be a side effect of my mom always bailing me out and not making me deal with hard times. Maybe its sort of my way of getting attention as unhealthy as it may be. Human behavior is easy to figure out unless its your own!