Are we projecting what we want from people when we meet them online?

I am angry. I am really, really angry. Why?

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I was introduced to a guy the other day, friend of a friend. We connected on the basis that he is a music producer and I am a singer. We chatted briefly and exchanged more information. Then he messaged me via facebook and we began a dialogue – mostly about music at first and then we had a more in depth chat one evening in which we became a little friendlier and shared some details of our lives – he is having an issue with his knee and I have an issue with mine, so I was giving him some advice of how to deal with it. His problem is treatable and he is going to be having an op soon, but he is in a temporary funk about it. So we had a tentative connection other than the music. To be fair, it's nice to get to know people a little if you are going to work with them, so I was cool when he started asking me some deeper questions about my life. Prompted, I shared that I had recently been through a break up. Apart from that one evening, we have not been particularly chatty. Perhaps I should have kept it more professional but he seemed like a nice enough chap and I am a fairly open person – now I am wondering if I am too open.

Little did I know he had already begun to project his fantasies onto me. He lives a long way away, and I had explained that my ex and I had broken up because it became difficult being in a long distance relationship - so why on earth would this random guy assume that I would want to then jump into another long distance thing? I have no idea why he would think, that just because I am newly single, that suddenly I would want to take up with someone that I barely know, that I hadn't had a date with or even a long face to face conversation with, just on the basis of a brief online chat? I didn't suspect a thing. He sent me some tracks and this evening I began to look at them and work on them. I started messaging him to ask quick questions, not to chat as I was in work mode. Just things like, what is the BPM of this one, when is it being released, what vocal style are you looking for etc. I explained that I was only sketching ideas this evening and then would be going away for a day or two. He then asked where I'm going. I told him I am going to visit my ex boyfriend and his kids. So he then asked am I going to see my ex boyfriend or the kids? And I said both, I miss the kids and I still love him. At that point what I really should have said was “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” and then he asked me if it's wise. I said yes it's the right thing for me to do, it was the distance that came between us and I still love him and I am still the kids step-mum. I should have said 'WHAT THE HELL HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU” but I was being (typically English and female) polite. And then he said “I am sorry, I have had a bad day and I am not in the mood to deal with this” at which point I should have said “WELL YOU ASKED MATE”. But instead, I was too nice like I always am (WHY?) and simply said “ouch - I hope you feel better” to which he didn't even respond.

And then I limped to the shops with a bad knee and bought a pack of tobacco (I don't usually smoke) and chocolate because I felt so annoyed. I am actually furious, because of the sense of entitlement, the projection of his needs onto me, the assumption that I was available to him if he so desired. I am angry because I was innocent, I thought he just wanted to work with me on some music. Why should I have to have my guard up all the time? Why can't a friend of a friend be respectful? I don't even know the guy! And I had put in about 2 hours of work on his tracks, out of respect for the introduction from my friend when actually I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIS MUSIC VERY MUCH but I thought he was a genuinely nice person and hard working producer and I wanted to give it a go on that basis. And on what planet do guys live on where they think that a woman is available to them just because she is being friendly and is single?

I feel upset, I feel unsafe. Of course, he can't do anything to me, he doesn't know where I live, and he is based miles away - he obviously just has some weird issues. Clearly I am not going to do any further work on his tracks now. Why can't people just be chilled out and respectful?

Maybe I am over-reacting but why am I even having to ask myself this question? I was not talking to him because I wanted to date him. I was talking to him because we both do music and thought we might collaborate. I feel like it's a difficult world to navigate, this online world. IMS creates an unusual sense of intimacy based on fantasy. People view each others' images and start to get a sense that they know the other person. IMO they don't. No matter how much you can converse with someone online you don't really know them until you spend real time with them and build up a connection based on more than simply chat. We can have much in common with another person in the virtual world - you can have sex, and build relationships, for sure. But how much of that is real and how much of that is in your mind alone? What do others think about this conundrum?

Are we just projecting what we want from people when we meet them online?

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Thank you very much for the info :)

I’m sorry your angry and that your attention / conversations were taking out of context. I find lots of people do run into this sort of thing because since we communicate online people take what you say and put their own spin on it or read it how they WANT to interrupt it rather than how they should interrupt it. On a side note how are things with the EX? Do you think you two may be able to work through the distance?

Thank you for your reply. I found that writing the post helped me let off steam and I feel fine again now. It's an interesting question though isn't it! He read a little too much between the lines I feel. Things are great with the ex, we get on so well and I am getting to experience unconditional love! I hope we can be together one day but the distance makes it very difficult and I miss him a lot. I am looking forward to seeing them all this weekend

Boys will be boys...

I wish you all the best.

Feel free to check out my blog @maxdigi, this way we can support each other!

Cheers
maxidigi

Ok I will take a look :)

I dunno. I kind of think that is more normal that people want to admit. But I always project what I want on other people at all times. Even fantasy character. The hardest part of living humanity is getting out of your own biases and seeing the world through other peoples eyes. Or maybe that is just me projecting.

anyway, welcome to steemit. I hope you love it here. I certainly do. I find it works almost like magic.

I use steemit as my first posting platform for all social media interaction. I then push it out to the rest of my social media. Whattever I was going to put on FB or twitter I just post here. The idea is that I want to create a buzz here on my posts @ypdyoutube and also encourage others to join steem. You could do the same by hitting these icons on the bottom of your posts. The icons look like this: steem.PNG

If you are curious about how this whole magical land of steem works I suggest two places to read (neither are mine but I found them helpful when I signed up):

For readers : https://steemit.com/tutorial/@sndbox/browsing-the-basics-on-steemit-com

Or if you are a visual person:
https://steemit.com/steemy/@flauwy/60-steem-video-tutorials-for-beginners-the-grand-steemy-collection

feel free to follow me, or not if you don't want to, on these sites:

I am not sure if it is "normal" - well, what is normal anyway? But it is certainly common! It's a new world to navigate, that's for sure. So how do you add those icons? I am still learning how to use steemit, having only been here 2 weeks or less! I will take a look at your blog and thanks for the advice

Well, I would say that it is unhealthy. And I hear what you are saying with there is no normal. I just meant I don't think it is outside the boundaries of reasonable for a person to project like that. Like it would never shock me. And the icons you right click, select inspect, cut and copy the "stuff" into a word pad or word processor and then change the website links to your own. Then save the file so you can cut and copy when you are posting.

Ah great, thank you for the info! Yeah I think it's up to me to keep clearer boundaries in future, keep work as work and don't allow people to ask me personal questions like that! Otherwise it becomes too confusing!

Damn, annoying. I guess it's the price you pay for meeting new people, some end up to be, well, not the best :)

Anyway, welcome to Steemit! Thank you for throwing so much into your first post, you don't see that all too often. I'm pretty new here myself but have found the community to be a pretty amazing collection of generally very supportive, interesting folk.

I hope you have a great time here. What kind of things d'ya think you'll be blogging about?

Hi there, thank you for your reply. My blog was initally going to be about health and well being but now I think I am just going to blog about anything and everything - I have a lot of different interests to be honest and I want to learn about life the universe and everything! Including technology and all about steemit! I am a singer, writer and entrepreneur learning to live with a chronic health condition and I feel I am a student of life here to share my experiences. I will check out your blog and give you a follow!

Sounds cracking, keeping us all on our toes! I'm looking forward to it. Oh hey thank you for the follow, right back at you!

Thanks, I see you're from South Wales I spent a bit of time there when I was kid, places like Tenby and the Gower. Beautiful place!

That's cool - I live about 10 minutes from the Gower, small world ey :)

We used to do Tenby as kids,begging our parents for more money to play those machines where you win the tickets? End of the day you've spent £37 on a pack of 4 felt tips and a bag of skittles.

Good times. Where abouts are you from ?

Ahhh yeah I remember those machines at Tenby! Haha. I am based in Bristol myself only a couple of hours away from you. Have had some great times in the Gower!

Hahaa, glad I'm not the only one. That's a cool city you've got there.

We went to a comedy gig a little while back, in the back or a very fancy bar with a lovely balcony/smoking area, a little pallet wood-pannelled room ? Best comedy I'd seen in a while, and only a fiver! Bargain.

Sounds great - I can't picture it but if you remember the name of the place let me know as it sounds wonderful!

And then he said “I am sorry, I have had a bad day and I am not in the mood to deal with this” --- I immediately laughed out loud lol I mean what? What was he thinking? lol I think setting clear intentions and boundaries from the beginning is important. You could say one thing and a person can interpret it another. Life is tricky due to all of our perceptions. I hope you are feeling better :)

I am feeling much better now thanks! Of course I am remembering not to take any of this personally and you are right, in future I will keep some clearer boundaries!

Welcome to Steemit from Indonesia, this is an amazing platform for creativity and imagination. Share, comment and make friends

Thank, nice to meet you

Hello and welcome.

Uhm, men do project onto women out of a sense of desperation and loneliness. If a woman smiles at a man as if just to say hi because she has seen him before, there are men who will interpret that as she likes him when she was in fact just being nice. It is sad really that there are so many men out there like this. I know this well because I used to be somewhat like this when I was at a low point in my life suffering depression and low self-esteem. I can gladly say that is the distant past though I do not mind sharing if it can be of use to someone else.

Many men if not most do not know how to relate to a woman and simply do not understand her words never mind her body language or her emotions. Men are from Mars and women from Venus.

If I were you I would let go of the anger knowing that any man that does project onto you is not a happy well-adjusted individual, and though sometimes you may want to help him, you cannot until he really wants to. And beware as in this state they may try to manipulate your emotions. At that point, you just cut them off as they are emotionally toxic.

Women do this too, though not near as much as men, especially older men as they are emotionally crippled brought up at a time when boys will be boys was justification for all kinds of wrongdoing and emotions were considered a weakness making them out of touch with their own feelings.

I hope my few words help ease your dis-ease about this situation. I look forward to hearing you sing as I too am a singer-songwriter.

Following and upvoted
Peace
#daemon-nice

Thank you for your very thoughtful and in-depth reply. Your insights have given me a window into the nature and minds of men, so that's appreciated. Glad to hear that you have overcome the self esteem issues - it's something many of us have to face. I am not feeling angry any more, the post was a great way to let off some steam and perhaps earn some steem in return! Nice to meet you