I'm a Jerk.

It's true.

I've only been around Steemit for about a week or so now, but if you read even one post on my blog, you'll quickly realize that in any proper introduction of myself, it's probably necessary to just point out on the front end that very simple fact about me. There's just some inalienable part of who I am as a person that makes me unable to stop being a jerk.

And even though I wish it weren't true, I also know that it's important to face reality and be upfront with people.

This introduction post would be completely dishonest and disingenuous if I didn't make that very clear.

But it's also something that is a little weird thing to admit straightaway.

Being a jerk puts me securely on the "not worth your time and effort" category of people you come across. Jerks are just people you want to completely avoid with no exceptions.

And because normal, nice people avoid me, I constantly find myself in the company of other jerks.

Most of them are your standard jerk, all sarcasm and no sincerity. No real drive to do anything good, to speak of. And almost no ability for improvement. Jerks are firmly ensconced in their jerk-hood for life.

There's another group of people that I sometimes come across, though--rarer and harder to spot. These people have some wiggle room to the level of their jerkiness. They have some hope.

You know you've encountered one of these rarities when other people tell you, more with pity than anger, that "that guy over there," or "that girl you just bumped into" is "kind of a jerk."

Kind of a Jerk

Different Kind of a Jerk

You've definitely come across someone who is kind of a jerk.

"Kind of a jerk," is the guy who just won't let his guard down for a minute to drop the "personality" he's put on, because he's slightly too concerned with appearing a certain way to certain people.

"Kind of a jerk," is the girl who absolutely fawns over how much her friends mean to her, but she can't figure out a way to stop being at least an hour late (when she doesn't cancel) every single time she has plans with those same friends.

"Kind of a jerk," is the old guy at the restaurant who knows that his son is a happy, talented, and passionate artist, but who can't help himself from loudly snarking about the money his son "wasted" on college just to end up "futzing around with your little doodles."

"Kind of a jerk," is the middle-aged woman at the hotel desk who knows that the booking error isn't at all the desk clerk's fault, but who still thinks it's ok to "vent a little" to the clerk by using implicit put-downs, insults, name-calling, and veiled threats to the clerks livelihood.

You Might Be Blessed Not to Be Friends with KOAJ

If you're not actually friends with KOAJ (you know..."Kind Of A Jerk) then you are, at the same time, blessed and cursed.

You're blessed if you've never met KOAJ because KOAJ is...well...kind of a jerk to deal with. KOAJ isn't a bad person. People who are friends with KOAJ know that. Those people really want to like KOAJ.

When talking about KOAJ, KOAJ's friends find themselves saying, "But I guess he/she means well..." or "They can't help it..." a lot!

And people who are friends with KOAJ are constantly let down when, after brief shining moments of being nice, KOAJ always reverts right back to being...kind of a jerk.

So if you aren't friends with KOAJ, then in those ways, you are blessed.

But you're also cursed.

The Amazing Potential of KOAJ

This Monument Had Potential to be a Complete Message

You have to understand, KOAJ is the human equivalent of a giant lump of coal. KOAJ has potential. KOAJ can someday be "not a jerk"--a full-fledged NOJ.

And KOAJ, deep down, is always actively aspiring to be NOJ.

KOAJ has this much potential because, ultimately, KOAJ only acts in such an obnoxious, almost unbearable manner, because KOAJ recognizes his/her flaws, usually to a point of neuroses, but for an inexplicable reason, KOAJ constantly, freezes up and fails to come through and fix those flaws. Thus, KOAJ is neurotic about problems that can't seem to be fixed.

KOAJ is unpleasnt because KOAJ is always trying way too hard, and failing (way too hard), to not be unpleasant.

This is unlike straight up full-on jerks, narcissists, hateful folks, and evil people who all truly believe that they have no flaws and that it's everyone else who is always at fault.

There is no-one more critical of KOAJ than KOAJ. But KOAJ is also, for long stretches of time which may add up to a lifetime, unable to actualize any solutions to solving any of the ever-present internal struggles and flaws.

KOAJ wants to. Oh man, does KOAJ want to! More than anything.

But it just.

doesn't.

work.

Well Then What's So Hard About Just Being Friends With KOAJ?

"So what's the problem?" you might ask. "Just wait it out. If KOAJ will become a wonderful person at some point, like you said, and they're not one of those really bad people, what can be the harm of sticking with them."

The answer is that there is nothing harmful with a good friend sticking with KOAJ...as long as it's understood that sticking with KOAJ is a gigantic, seemingly endless, drain on on that friend's time and energy.

Because KOAJ can't figure out how to fix the flaws they know they have, until KOAJ, at some point, without any explanation, stumbles onto a solution that actually, finally works, KOAJ will keep being KOAJ.

And if you'e ever been around KOAJ, you know that you can only take so much. After a certain point, you want to have regular friends, who are nice without being neurotic, friendly without being needy, funny without being exhausting, and intelligent without being pedantic.

KOAJ does a lot of taking, because even though they have it in their head to be a giver, like with every other good idea, KOAJ can't translate that idea into reality. So KOAJ takes. Takes time, takes money, takes advice, takes rides, takes compliments, takes friendship.

The Person Who Sticks With KOAJ is a Very Special Kind of Person

The type of person who sticks with KOAJ is, necessarily, the type of person that has almost superhuman levels of empathy, patience, and kindness. The people you see standing by KOAJ are the people about which you frequently find yourselves thankful for just having them in your lives.

And it's not by coincidence that a very, very large number of those people who have the qualities to stick with KOAJ, were, at one time, usually far back in their past, exactly like KOAJ.

In fact, they were KOAJ.

See what I mean about potential?

But, of course, because the kind of person that will stick with KOAJ is a very unique type, there aren't really that many of them.

KOAJ Saves Seats at the Lunch Table For Friends

Artwork by gracie-magnificent

So KOAJ can have stretches of life where friends seem to keep dropping away like acorns from an oak in autumn.

KOAJ almost ways eats lunch alone.

KOAJ spends most evenings at home waiting for an invitation that never comes.

KOAJ cries, a little, in private, when seeing little kids playing together, and wonders why things can't be like that anymore.

KOAJ smiles awkwardly at strangers because KOAJ hasn't been smiled at in a while.

KOAJ prays a lot that tomorrow, please tomorrow, all those faults and flaws that just seem, somehow, impossible to fix, will drift away, so that KOAJ can have the confidence to call that friend from college and ask if they'd like to catch-up over some lunch.

KOAJ wants a family.

KOAJ wants friends.

KOAJ wants a friend.

Except KOAJ is still KOAJ. There's no rhyme or reason when things finally "click" and KOAJ figures out a way to fix the flaws and faults.

So that KOAJ can finally just be the regular, kind, and decent person that they've always been but, for some nightmarishly unknown reason, could never quite show everyone else.

So that KOAJ can stop telling people that the chairs around the lunch table are "taken," in the hopes that someone will come sit down.

So that people will start being surprised that at one point in the past this absolutely normal friend of theirs was once, "for a little while," kind of a jerk.