Beans on the Floor

I hear the first few plinks and realize she has done it. As the sounds become faster and louder, like rain on a tin roof, I can't help but sigh and roll my eyes. My four year old daughter has spilled all of the beans (beads, but who is correcting her the hundredth time?) on the floor. The same beans she swore to me would not end up scattered about my living room. As she looks at me with uncertainty filling her face I can see she is scared of being in trouble for her accident. I stop for a moment.

This is my life. All the beans on the floor.

I am a thirty-two year old married mother of three. Who else am I? I haven't a clue. I have never managed to get that pinned down yet.

My main interest is learning. I am an over analytical INTP who will jump right into something, need to know every aspect of how it works, and then get bored before any mastery occurs. My mind races with so many questions about everything and in my quest to find all the answers I come off as a flake or having a bad attitude. It always amazed me how wanting to know why something is the way it is can get you in so much trouble. School, work, church, family dynamics - question anything and people get their panties all twisted. I honestly don't do it to offend, just to ease my mind.

Many things have caught my interest over the years. Photography, graffiti, music, comics, video games, film, travel, space, I love to watch people dance but cannot do it to save my life.

Trying to incorporate these into our family life as much as possible has been a goal of mine since my family is what takes most of my time. Three kids. Four years, eleven years and twenty years old. My husband is thirty eight and the oldest is his from a previous relationship. We were expecting another child in 2014 but sadly he had cysts on his brain and we lost him at eight months pregnant which sent me into a tail spin.

I questioned everything I had ever known. When I say I don't know who I am, that is why. I really don't. Something like that makes you look really hard inside yourself and I didn't find much there. I spent so much time in a fantasy world where everything was magical and anything was possible, spontaneous and careless. So many interests. I never stopped to think, to plan, to make a life for myself and my family. The past three years have been turmoil for us. At times I am not sure we are going to make it. Through all of the pain and uncertainty I have realized what is important though. They are.

Trying to find the balance between my old carefree spirit and the new unsure and broken one. I want to be a strong example for my children so I can help guide them when they are lost in life. Maybe if I do a good enough job they won't become lost. At this moment they are guiding me so when all the beans hit the floor I just sigh and roll my eyes. Then I assure my daughter that it isn't the end of the world and she will not be meeting certain doom. We spend the rest of the evening grilling while the kids make memories playing in the pool.

As much as I wanted to get on here and make out that I was this wonderfully intelligent, fun and exciting person who everyone should like and follow I knew that just wasn't the truth. I am mildly smart, or I play one on TV, am in no way exciting and only a bit fun if I have the energy. I still love photography and music and photographing graffiti while listening to said music. I have a damn amazing cat named Steel Buster and I am a Catwoman and VW fan. I try to use proper grammar and punctuation but you will catch me slipping as English was one of those love/hate relationships in school. Hoping to learn from everyone here and make some friends.