Zero to Hero to Zero again.

I've been on steemit for a week now, I wasn't sure whether to introduce myself, it just didn't feel like me. But the more I read, the more I want to be a part of this community, of your community.

I'm not great at being open, I'm an introvert, I like being alone. I write quite often, it usually gets deleted once I'm done, I do it because it helps me think and helps me learn. 

I'll tell my story.

A good place to start would be university, where I learnt... how to drink, properly drink. I mean talk about failing a university course. I met up with Head of the Mathematics Department after my first year:

Mr E: "Hi Steven, how are you?"
Me:    "I'm fine Mr. E, yourself?"
Mr E: "I'm okay, I'd just like to ask you, how did you manage to fail this PDE module?"
Me: "Well, I found it quite difficult to get my head around some of the concepts, I needed more time"
Mr E: "I can appreciate that,Steven. But you scored 8%, we give our students 10% if they attend every lecture and hand in homework, even if its incorrect"
Me: *Burst out laughing*

And that was how Uni went for me, total disregard of my talent and no appreciation for the opportunity I had.

Skip a year or two later, and I am partying most nights of the week, eating as little as possible, spending as little as possible so that my money can go towards "having fun" - If only I knew what fun was

To my own surprise, I turned up for graduation, late as usual, barging past people to get to my seat, with 5 minutes to spare before I pick up my "piece of paper" with a grade that makes me feel ashamed for wasting my time and talent, with equal amazement that there was a "piece of paper" to collect at all.

1 year on, my piece of paper and bad attitude hasn't landed me that great job I always dreamed of. Instead I'm on social benefits, but this time, I'm saving as much money as possible... to eat, the parties don't exist anymore.

One day, depression just grips me and I think "Fuck this", I put my benefits into an online poker site. About an hour later, its gone. I fall out with people, I borrow money, I get back on my feet, but it was too late, I'd caught the bug.

So what does any addict do? I tried again. I put what little I had in. But this time, I'd armed myself with strategy, knowledge, using what limited mathematics I learnt from my studies, from watching poker games, learning about bankroll management, learning about Monte Carlo simulations and Markov chains and Game Theory. This time I was smarter, this time I was ready.

5 weeks later, I'm sat at my desk in my closet of a bedroom, my palms are sweaty, my forehead is sweaty, everything is sweaty!
I've been sat here for 14 hours, with 5 minute breaks on the hour, every hour. I was playing in a poker tournament - the biggest poker tournament of my life. When that KK3 came on the flop, I fist punched the air so hard! I ended up placing a respectable third, out of 1500 people (and I was unlucky), I made $22,000.  - yeah real unlucky

This was it, I had my chance, I could see the Oreos cracking behind those computer screens. I could read people, without even seeing them, just by their actions, their decisions, their bets. - And a little bit of probability theory.

It didn't take long before I built my bank up to $150k; I went to Vegas and banked, I went home with a Tag Heuer watch on my wrist. I went on ski holidays, I visited friends in other countries, I lived the life I always wanted but deep down wasn't sure I could ever have.

And then.... I got a job. WTF?!!

I knew I couldn't play poker forever, it isn't as glamorous as TV makes out. It is repetitive, sometimes boring, and can be soul-destroying when you get on a bad run. Long story short, it wasn't worth it for me, you don't know when your luck will run out, you don't know when the competition will get smarter, you don't know when poker will be beaten by algorithms. I was out!

I landed a graduate job working in finance.

But that bug I mentioned, bugs like that don't just die, bugs don't quit on winning streaks, they want to live.

Now, I didn't have time to play poker anymore, tournaments are long, draining affairs. Being a successful tournament player and holding down a full time job just can't happen, so I fed my bug with other stimulus.

Sports betting.

In my first month of sports betting, I was up another $20k! I was thinking about buying my first house. 

But when I look back now, I don't know how I won that $20k on sports betting, I didn't apply any mathematical knowledge or formula, I didn't implement any bankroll strategies, I just went off the 'ole intuition'. Good old intuition.

And intuition won, the odds were wrong, I profited. 

It didn't take long before the pressure of holding onto a full time job and using this "intuition" started to turn those winnings into losses. As the losses grew, so did the bets. They grew so big and so rapid, that I had nothing left. I borrowed money, I had great credit ratings because of my past financial history with the poker winnings, and the steady income from my job, it wasn't difficult, I took out credit online!

Gone.

My world was shattered. 

You, the reader, you know I had a gambling problem. I know I had a gambling problem, I know I have a gambling problem! How do I know? Because even now, I still think I can win, I still think in the future I will win it all back. I truly do.
But its because of those thoughts that I don't. I just keep biding my time. And I want to keep biding my time until my time runs out. I don't need that world anymore.

My world now? I rent a room from a landlady,  the rent is cheap and its close to that full time job that I was lucky enough to keep. I just work, I watch the income come in, and I watch it all leave as I pay off my past mistakes. I don't have money to enjoy myself anymore, I haven't been on holiday since those ski holidays. I don't look to my wrist to tell the time anymore.

These days, what do I do for fun? The internet is my only possession now, I feel lucky to live in this age. I read Euclid, I read Newton, I read Euler, I read Gauss, hell, I even try to read Riemann. Maybe I'm just making up for that bright boy whose opportunities I ruined a long time ago. 

All I know for sure is you won't find any travel photos here, or any delicious food recipes; but for what it's worth, I'm having fun.

#gambling #math #mistakes #steemit