Creation and Destruction

To take a wrong turn
And just keep driving
like it never happened
Didn't ever solve shit
But I still found my way home

I have been battling demons
That are not mortals
But I am a mortal
Open the portal

It is time to jump through
And confront them on their own plane of existence
It just seems that all of my time
Is eaten by nonsense or toil

I'm sick of the same old story song and dance
I'm sick of refusing to make the sacrifices
I must make to change the factors
That will allow the lighted torch
Of my destiny
Life is like a cartoon from the early 90's
And it's about time to kick some ass

Figuratively of course
I am not a genius
But I thought I was once
There is always going to be someone better
Why should I care?
I've enough despair

Self-destruction is not a righteous path
No one cares
I thank God every day for that fact
They can pretend to care
But I can see through them
The politics of human interaction
Can be shoved so far up your ass

I'm not a normal person
I thank God for that everyday
I say things to God
No one is supposed to say
Then I quickly apologize

The art of undoing
Results in failure and regret
I feel I go back on everything
My resolve is synthetic and brittle

And this is probably what I should stop
Obsessing about this sort of thing
I am capable of so much more
I just needed a reason
To write

Because it feels I've fallen by the wayside
So if I fall there
I might as well stand back up
And then sit down again
And write something
Of little or no value
It doesn't matter
It's just an exercise
With lackluster structure

The only escape
From every little thing I let torment me
Is this
I used to think escapism was bad
A thought I had while I was escaping

I miss camping up north
I miss walking in the woods with a rifle
But I never was a very good hunter
I am far too restless for that
So if the shit hits the fan
I will have to be a gatherer

I'm sick of pushing my goals, dreams, and aspirations aside
For a life of seeming nothingness lacking true rewards
I think this often but then realize I'm the culprit
The master of self-sabotage
The cure is to appreciate the little things in life
Instead of allowing them to incessantly tear you to bits
Even a second of stargazing
Inspires an ocean of consciousness

To disconnect from society
And reconnect to what makes one a cosmic being
Is the answer I feel
But I'm man enough to admit I'm wrong
Much of the time
Unless we get into an argument
Then I'm a stubborn piece of shit
But I'm not a piece of shit

Seeing what the world has become
And realizing that I have been my greatest oppressor
My only oppressor
Is not disheartening
It is necessary to continue to exist on this level
As this waveform inside of a simulation inside of a simulation inside of your head

Opaque
Transparent
Irrelevant
I am

I am infinite consciousness having an experience as a human.
But am I?
So far adrift
The turbulent sea
Of possibility

You lose when you don't try
You win when you don't die
You fuck up your whole life and perspective
When you procrastinate like me
And devise endless devices
To justify your lack of momentum
It's time for change
But it was time for change in
2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015
Each one of those years were supposed to be my year
But at some future moment
The problem is the self-sacrifice
The deviation from the knowledge
That the finite now is the only life i'm living
Everything happens in the now
No exceptions
So I decry my addiction to procrastination
self-sabotage
self-destructive addictive coping mechanisms
I decry it all but I never stop
I am worse than the people that agitate me
When they try to justify every single fucked up thing they do
Because I am exactly the same way
I am exactly the same way

Art is not simply thought I know
I'm unsure if I'm an artist
I am equal parts
Creation and destruction