A Poetic Meditation: The Ego & The "Presence that Disturbs me with the Joy/ Of Elevated Thoughts." (SWC)

These experiences have been terrifyingly profound, to say the least, to the point that words fall short in describing the true essence of what I had encountered...

I was assigned to present a poem for a class a few semesters ago. My final grade relied heavily on the presentation because I was struggling with staying focused on school. The poem however struck me as something quite familiar—a poem I've never encountered before, but upon doing so felt the truth within it was so obvious and resonating that this encounter was more like recalling a memory. This also wasn't the first time I've had this experience with poetry as I will refer back to in some of my writings. What struck me wasn't just the poem, but also the synchronistic moment in time which it had happened in. At the time, I was reaching a late residual peak of an existential angst amplified ever since I first started experimenting with psychedelic mushrooms.

These experiences have been terrifyingly profound, to say the least, to the point that words fall short in describing the true essence of what I had encountered. All written and verbal languages are attempts to reveal and communicate this essence effectively... 

to make sense of it. 

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Poetry exists as an attempt to put the Sublime into words and when masterfully done may produce the effects I opened with. The more attuned you are to higher vibrations of consciousness, the deeper these epiphanies resonate in your body... and the farther they spread.  Emily Dickinson hinted at these physical effects when saying, "If I read a book and it makes my whole body so cold no fire can warm me, I know that is poetry. If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry." Many times I've felt these beautifully uncontrollable sensations—a shaking deep to the bone so that when I let go and breathe the crown of my head goes numb, open. Especially as I've realized the Source of poetry unfolding in front of me in my everyday physical reality. 

And since the source that I'm referring to has no form, and yet is all forms, it's impossible to entirely encapsulate the essence of true sublime experiences in only a few words.

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For the longest time, my own need to identify and define my sublime experiences is what sent my mind into a vicious cycle of uncertainty, fear, doubt, and disbelief—so I'm letting go of how others may perceive what I'm about to say and share these moments on Steemit as honestly as I can. Over the past few years the universe has presented me with several signs at crucial junctions of my life, one way or another via synchronistic moments... 

Below is an excerpt from one of them:

 "That time is past,

And all its aching joys are now no more,

And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this

Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur; other gifts

Have followed; for such loss, I would believe,

Abundant recompense. For I have learned

To look on nature, not as in the hour

Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes

The still sad music of humanity,

Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power

To chasten and subdue.—And I have felt

A presence that disturbs me with the joy

Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime

Of something far more deeply interfused,

Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,

And the round ocean and the living air,

And the blue sky, and in the mind of man:

A motion and a spirit, that impels

All thinking things, all objects of all thought,

And rolls through all things."

-(Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, On Revisiting the Banks of the Wye During a Tour, July 13, 1798, William Wordsworth)

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How has this "presence" manifested itself in our own lives? How many of us have been fortunate enough to recognize it? What is "it" to begin with? Let's start by examining what gets in the way of our own spiritual sensitivity—something we vastly overlook, yet plays a pivotal role in our daily actions, thoughts, habits, unconscious mannerisms, self-deceptions, etc.

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Think about this for a second, the "Ego" that everyone talks about is not something external from you. It is not another living being outside of yourself. It is a creation of your own mind. Psychologists refer to it as the id or super id. Some wider and lesser-known ancient religions go as far as to call it Satan or something to that equivalence. The mere fact that the Ego operates in your mind is the reason why you can't solely rely on the mind, especially logical reasoning, to distinguish illusion from reality—Truth from Falsehood.

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Your initial impulse upon reading such a thing may very well be to interpret what I just said as counterintuitive, and if that was so, take that as a testament to the system's elusive design.

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As a mental manifestation, the Ego has access to all of your current sensory inputs, your memories, your belief systems, routines, your dreams and aspirations, fears, doubts, vulnerabilities—the whole concept of what it means to be you:

Carlos, the kid from Queens, born to immigrant parents, raised in extended periods of isolation, father of a tuxedo cat named Messandei, living with his spiritual brothers, in his last semester of college looking ahead into the dark abyss of infinite possibility and so he sits in front of his laptop to string this along... and any day could be his last... 

Not only does the Ego have access to, but it influences and is influenced by all of the above—creating and reinforcing cycles of thoughts, words, and actions.

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This is possible simply because what we call the Ego is an Automated Mental Process of Self-Deception, just like your digestion and cell regeneration are Automated Physical Processes that the body would not be able to survive without.

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The Principle of Correspondence (As Above So Below, So Below as Above) teaches that the same rules that apply to the Physical Plane of Existence apply to the Mental and Spiritual as well, meaning that this automated process of self-deception is actually essential for the existence of your mind and ultimately your spiritual identity.

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Let's take a quick step back, is it really that hard to believe we would deceive ourselves knowing that so many of us have gone and chased money, power, fame, and love (lust) thinking those pursuits would bring us a sense of fulfillment and happiness? For the most part, these are obvious themes that are easy to spot out in the external world. However, when considering all that the Ego has access to within us as mentioned previously, how hard would it really be to trick yourself into thinking you don't suffer from any of your own self-deception? (No matter how big or small)

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Look at a basic real-world physical example, you don't even need to know what the word "digestion" means—let alone be consciously initiating every neuro, chemical, and muscular sequence in order for you to experience the actual process of digestion. It just happens. You know you need to eat, drink, piss and shit because your body tells you.

The Ego is similar in the regard that you don't need to be aware of its existence in order for self-deception to occur. In fact, the less aware you are of this self-deception the more efficient the mechanism works. 

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Who are we really fooling when internal resistance lures us to believe that we are beyond deception?

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The very mechanism for Carlos' existence is self-deception—"the still sad music of humanity." Modern-day self-development has us at war with our ego instead of appreciating how infinitely intelligent this thing actually is... the Ego is a testament to our own infinite intelligence since it is a mechanism of our very own creation, intended for the survival of Carlos, or whoever you are reading this.

What is this "presence that disturbs me with the joy/ Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime/ Of something far more deeply interfused?" It is the source of the infinite intelligence that created all you see around you. It created you. You created it. You are it.

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The issues of the mind cannot be solved with the mind...

One must transcend logical reasoning. The smarter you get, the smarter the mechanism for self-deception. The magnificent genius of this Automated Mental Process highlights the immense potential of the unconscious mind.

The issues we face don't come from having an "Ego," they come from not being conscious of its existence and refusal to observe the way it impacts the world around us. Remember, the less aware of the Ego you are the better the mechanism of self-deception works. 

Why is this so? Because deep down you are Infinity deceiving itself into thinking it is finitely Carlos... or whoever you are reading this.

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Although the mechanism for self-deception is infinitely smart and a powerful tool for survival, the same reasoning is what makes it infinitely dumb. Because you so firmly believe you are finitely Carlos, you believe one day you will cease to exists and any day could be your last so you will do anything you can, for as long as you can to survive. 

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What is more beautiful than experiencing everything for the first time like it was the first time, every single time and thinking in the back of your mind it may all end soon so you appreciate the scarcity of the moment even more?... Realizing this time that you aren't only Carlos, one of your many vessels aiding in the development of the cosmic poem, symphony, whatever you'd like to call it and working through him consciously—experiencing the bliss that comes with spreading the Word and planting the seeds for divine awakening and healing in all who come across this writing. 

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Growing up Catholic, Carlos was taught that the righteous would be assimilated into the body of God. With Catholicism and righteousness to the side, what if this assimilation really just means becoming aware of and remembering all the finite pieces that make you infinity? Almost as if you were to become aware of all the different moving, generating, and dying cells of your body.

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What if when this happens you not only remember what it feels like to be you reading this article but also what it felt like to be Carlos writing it?

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