Where To Start

Hello all, Hello Everyone,

As everything, Steemit should be an adventure, an unknown and more or less important and long part of my life. And so, I now decide to jump into this adventure to see where it leads. And I could not start this adventure with all the people who could possibly read me in the future, without starting to talk about why I am there. Or, rather, "thanks to whom" I am there.

So, I would like to propose you to join me in this "adventure" by introducing me slowly, and not all at once. If you trust in the power of words, maybe I'll be able to make your interest on that webpage, that you could read as a kind of personal diary.

So... Let's start, would you ? My name's Kevin, but, for specific reasons, I'd like to propose you to "call" and think about me as Jinn. That's the name I'm used to use for a long time now.

And thanks to whom I feel I am there ? Thanks to a woman, inevitably. ;) Of course, I say "inevitably" because, from my own views, I feel it sounds and resonates like an unavoidable and logical next step into my life. But it could totally be a man or even something which wouldn't have been related to a human being, for someone else. But, for me, this is a question of a woman. And there, I invite you to notice this first clue about me that this is a great part of my life. Not all the women. But this one.

So, yes, I decided to come here. Actually, this will also help a lot to practice my english. But, for sure, this wasn't the true reason for me to jump into the Steemit journey train. In reality, I discovered Steemit thanks to that woman, first of all. And, I finally get that there could also be my page here, my place to share what I am and feel with people, as I cannot really share it with that particular woman whom I have in my mind and heart, for the moment at least.

I hesitate... Should I tell you about what I have in my brain from now to the beginning... Or should I rather tell you about the beginning to let you understand why I am there now ? A good question... But I feel more like coming suddenly and giving you pieces of my life, like a puzzle you could enjoy to build by yourself into your head. So.... Let's start to narrate from now :

As I told you, there's a woman. And I am there for this specific reason. Actually, I was thinking, sitting down confortably in my desk chair : "What to do, now ?" I awakened this "morning" (it was actually something like 3 p.m, so not really the "morning") with a strange mood. I am used to think... about that woman each day and each night, the first thought when opening my eyes... the last thought just before closing them. And I am used to live with the fact I started a perfectly passionating and strange story with her, that hasn't ended yet. This is, at least, what I am used to think. (Some people might be tempted to tell me : "Open your eyes, this story is over !" But I have particular reasons to think and feel this isn't the case. I'll tell you about it. I promise ;) ).

So... Here I was, with a strange feeling : I was like facing again all the situation :

1. I met this woman many months ago (Let me introduce her : Her name's Jika).
2. We started a very particularily vibrating, meaningful and deep relationship (for me, at least, but I dare to think this was a bit mutual), based onto a mutual discovery (From my side, this was an undefined relationship, which could possibly grow from friendship to that love relationship I am looking for til my very young age).
3. But there were some misunderstandings at a moment.
4. And til this point, she decided to stop talking to me...
5. She's living far from me...
6. I got enough time to share with her different and deep feelings from the first moment I met her til now.
7. And as I told you about some lines before, I have many reasons to not think our story is over.

So... I felt a bit stuck over my desk chair...

If you were into my own skin, you would feel the things this way :

• There's no point to question again the idea of closing this chapter of my life, because each time I have tried to do it, I felt an undescribable pain and a feeling that the connection between me and her is just not tolerable to bury.
• There no point to discuss again about the reality of the feelings we both have for each other.
• And there is no point to put again into question that she's now suffering from both the idea of being with me and the idea of not being with me (this is what I feel inside of me).

I spent all the time I had alone to explain to myself why we have passed from this natural deep and very enjoyable complicity to that need she has of being very far from me, emotionnaly talking. And, has a true scientist, I made numerous hypothesis that I have finaly been able to refute for not being real possibilities. And here's my conclusion : We are connected. There's no hasard in our encounter. Whatever we want, we were placed onto each other's way for one or more specific reasons. And these reasons are powered with love.

As I told her, I recognize she has fears into her, and I remember about the old wounds she told me about, that I guess they turned our relation into a source of terror, for her. So, what would I was supposed to decide except accepting the distance between us as much as I can, whatever I felt towards her, without, for so much, forgetting about her ? And this is what I am used to live, for many months now...

But... There's still these questions into me. Whatever if I spent months to think what to do to preserv me and her the more possible, and whatever if I found this posture to do so by staying half into her life, half outside... I miss her. I am also living with that connection every day. I am also living and feeling that my own life is inextricably connected and related to hers. And... This is why I am also in the need to tell about it... To perfect strangers... To whoever could listen to me. Because... This needs to live. This needs and calls me to let it be and live. To not runaway from it, whatever the pain, whatever the doubts, whatever the feeling of loneliness.

I believed I already felt in love by the past... But nothing has ever gave me such a powerful and crazy feeling that it wanted to stay alive, whatever the conditions... And when I say "it" I means : "The connection".

I have also already been engaged with other women by the past... But I have never been "as much engaged to them as the relation calls me to engage with mysef at the same time". This is no more just a question about the person in front of me... this is, as well, a question of myself into the relation... As if there was no way to separate my path of life from Jika's one anymore when I think about the future... At the contrary of the past, where there was only the girl into my head, but no place for me, no importance for me.

Today, I am not able anymore to take care of me without trying to take care of her, as if she finaly became a true part of me... I cannot separate my way from hers anymore... And this is why the story cannot end.

And if this was only a novel into a book, I would be annoyed to end the book, but I could be able to think about something else when putting down the book over the nightstand... But this is no book. Here is only a real chapter of my life.

So, I just want to go on writing down this chapter... the same way as started it : by being as much respectful towards her than towards myself.

Thanks for reading.