An open letter ; for what it's worth.

Bare with me after. 3 years of being inactive in my WordPress account they decided to kill it. And while I was looking for a different Plat form to write stuff down. I remembered, I had this. Going back.

What do you do, when you’re stuck in a feeling that keeps you at a low point. How do you change it. What do you do when that feeling hits you hard, how do you stop that feeling that hurts you mentally emotionally and physically. That feeling that stops you from wanting to do everything you really want to do but can’t. Do you ever turn out that pain that makes you feel constantly sad but you hold it in so hard eventually you know you’re going to break and when you break down you try not to break down in a public place or you try to break down where no one can see you - - no one can hear you where your secluded from everybody else your secluded from the world completely. In the midst of all this chaos going on in her head how does she explain something that only she could understand when someone asks her ARE YOU OKAY ? it’s like explaining the concept of music to someone who cant hear, to explain the shades of colors to someone blind. She had always had a tough time having to explain why she is the way she is or whatever the F-up her brain is thinking. How does she explain to someone that the way she is now are a series of events that happened from past that made her this emotional wreck.

An open letter to you ;

I’ve been feeling a bit off lately – other than the ongoing quarantine of being near yet far from home things had become a bit too toxic for me to handle. If you haven’t noticed I’m the worst person to expound how I feel. as much as I don’t want to say I’m sensitive – I am, I really am especially when it comes to people I care about. Their opinions matter to me, My past is my past and as much as I want to open up why I’m like this there is just too much to explain that it gets difficult to put in to words – that sometimes there are just no words to explain how everything is for me. That how writing this and explain everything brings back scars that I’ve kept for so long. You see life has been good and bad – other than growing up in a chaotic family where my dad was constantly cheating and hurting my mom. At a young age, I had to be mature enough to be there for my mom and be there for my little sister who had no idea at that point what was going on with our lives. I saw how ugly it was the constant fighting , glass breaking , shouting , screaming – constant blaming of each other. But even with how messy that got – I was still blessed to have my mom who I think is as strong as a rock – someone whom have been my rock even at this age. I was always closed off – which is why I don’t blame why that first guy broke up with me on my 18th birthday. I wasn’t really the needy person back then, I didn’t include him in my plans and in my dreams and honestly that was a sign for me why I didn’t push things further even if he wanted to get back. I didn’t want to be halfhearted on that aspect of my life. I told myself if I find someone – someone else whom I would trust my heart again , I would understand and trust better. But sometimes you are given challenges in life where you trust someone so deeply but they end up shattering you? That even still shattered you choose to be there for that person. The bullshit I tell myself then “ MAYBE HE JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND HIM JUST MORE “ . That no matter how much he degrades you – insults you—shouts at you it was okay, na basin okay ra diay because he never laid a hand on me. I thought so – I was honestly young, naïve and insanely stupid. Stupid to think that it was okay – but then I just realized one day from all the fights and shouting that I’ve been there for days, months and years and yet this person didn’t see my worth and compared me to his ex’s that was a wakeup call for me that no matter how much you want things to work out – that sometimes loving yourself first is a must. I hope you see where this is headed – that was years ago – and I’ve been in and out of a relationship since then and I have moved on but there are scars where you keep to deep that sometimes you think you’re alright but then something triggers it. It’s one of this moments – It might be true, the things that you said that wala ko initiative but bare in mind that we don’t tick the same. That maybe for you it’s me being timid but have you ever thought that maybe I just want you to decide for me? That I trust you enough to decide things for me when I barely let anyone decide for me not even my mom. It honestly just sad – shit it was heart breaking hearing the words from you. It hurt a lot more with your constant scoffing. I guess I thought that you were someone who understood me. I guess I'm just hurt and sad too see how things turned out. I dont know how to fix what I am feeling or how to fix this. So here I am trying to write it all down hoping that after this if I fall asleep – I don’t wake up or fall asleep from crying. But who are we kidding? But allow me to end this note with some sayings that I came across with earlier –

SOMETIMES A PESON’S SILENCE MEANS “I AM TIRED OF EXPLAINING TO PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER EVEN CARE TO UNDERSTAND”.
I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OF THINGS THAT ARE REALLY BIG TO Me.
I’m not mad. I’m hurt. There’s a difference.