My first journal on steemit.com

I grew up with really bad anxiety, never knowing what was wrong with me. My dad vacated my life pretty much entirely when I was just a young lad. I was about 2 or 3. Too young to remember when. I was never able to walk into any restaurant with my family without getting nauseous, dizzy, just plain sick and anxious. Although I didn't know any of these words when I was a kid, I knew I was different. Whenever I was told we were going out to eat, I always felt sick to my stomach and I dreaded going out to eat. I would sit there in the restaurant and not eat. Usually there were crayons and something to draw on for me. I'd get some food to go and eat in the car. This was the norm for me growing up and I didn't think anything of it.

So, this was all occurring around elementary school timeline. I had a new stepdad sometime around there. He was kind of abusive towards me. I wasn't beaten, but I was definitely verbally abused. I had my bed sheets pulled out from under me, dropping me to the ground early in the morning and told to go get water from the water machine @ 6am on a weekend with a 3 gallon jug I could barely carry. I did all the laundry and had typical chores like any other kid I suppose. I was only allowed to watch tv for 1 hour a day. I just flat out didn't like my stepdad. He may have meant well, trying to teach me discipline. He grew up in the village . Apparently the culture over there is very different and parents are more strict on their children. Anyway, before going into middle school, I moved in with my sister.

My anxiety went away, and I didn't get anxious anymore ever. I lived close enough to school to walk, but my sister usually dropped me off. All I did was go to school, come home and play video games. I didn't have any real parental control in my life. I was pretty much allowed to do what I wanted as long as I wasn't out too long and my sister knew where I was. I hung out with my best friend, ashish at the park during the weekends. We did really fun stuff together. He was a grade older than me and we went to the same school. Life was good, so I thought. I got straight F's in math class, and barely graduated to high school. I didn't get to walk on stage or go to the fun graduation even because of my grades.

Fast forward to high school. I moved back in with my mom. She had kicked out my stepdad and it was just me and my mom for a few months. Then she brought him back because she couldn't pay bills, so she says. He wasn't so abusive anymore and I could pretty much do what I wanted. The first time I saw him again, he said "Wow, you are big now!", with the most fake smile ever. A quick side note about me: I'm pretty intuitive and very open to both my feelings and those of others' around me. I know when I'm being lied to or being led on 95% of the time now. Growing up, all I did was stare and watch other people to try and understand how they could feel so calm in everyday situations out in public, when I was so frantic in my mind and trying to hold back the panic attacks. In high school, I played football. I was 5'10", 210 lbs. and 12% body fat. I bench pressed 330 lbs and squated about 365, until I injured my knew anyway. I was 16 years old at this time. I entered high school at the young age of 12 and turned 13 during my freshman year. To finish off the middle school days, I had righteous acne. They were so big, like dimes, all over my face. My hormones raged. I think I had my first pimple in the 3rd grade. I didn't grow up with wealth or anything of the sort. During Thanksgiving, we were one of those families that got food donated to us in a box. Of course I didn't know or realize this growing up. Anyway, moving on.

Flipping back to the anxiety. I said I was totally happy and okay all throughout middle school. It came back when I was in a Hooters restaurant during high school. Hooters is a family restaurant where the waitresses have large breasts and wear super short, tight, orange shorts. I was sitting with my uncle at a booth and 2 hooters waitresses came to tell us something. I guess I got nervous or something. Anyway, when the food came, something in my brain triggered and I started panicking. I started coughing and excused myself to go outside after a couple bites. I ferociously coughed outside and felt really really anxious. Coughing is something I learned to do to release the stress or tension of feeling anxious. If I didn't cough or do something, I felt like I would have passed out, vomited, or who knows what. It has sort of become a habit of mine. I cough or clear my throat a lot when I don't really have to if I don't feel 100% comfortable. I ended up taking the rest of my sandwich with me and ate it when I got back home with my uncle, just like the old days...

This stage of anxiety was a lot worse. It had used to only be in restaurants. After the whole Hooters incident, the anxiety was worse than it had ever been. I still didn't know the word anxiety until maybe a year later, during my sophomore year. I somehow stumbled across a video of someone on YouTube describing their nervous symptoms and I said "HOLY SHIT!" AND was so amazed that what they were describing totally matched how I felt and it made me feel really good, not that they were nervous and anxious also, but that there was someone else like me that I could relate to. My anxiety spread to the outdoor food courts. It had initially only been indoor restaurants. Then it also spread to the classroom and I was so anxious the first day of my senior year I took a bunch of cough syrup to sort of numb myself out while in class, but I still had to excuse myself during class to go to the bathroom and calm myself down and throw up if I needed to. I think I had drank about 1/3-1/2 of the cough syrup bottle instead of the one spoon full. It was prescription medicine, not over the counter too.

Junior year was my most favorite year ever. I was still somewhat anxious, but I played football all 4 years of high school, and boy was it amazing. Although practice was hard, I got to be a part of a team. We did everything together. We sacrificed together. Come to think about it, I felt a bunch of the players didn't like me for some reason. I was kind of weird and didn't care to blend in with everyone else. I knew I was different and didn't give a dam what anyone thought about me. I just smiled, and stayed happy when I felt like it. I did however, get very anxious during team dinners every week during football season and one time I even through up in my mouth, but I don't think anyone noticed, hopefully. xD. Okay, I could never leave this out. There was this girl I fell SO hard for my freshman year of high school. I'll never ever be able to forget her name. Due to anonymity, I'll call her Janu. Oh my gosh, I had never known you could feel so hard for anyone, ever. She was in my Algebra readiness class I was forced to take because I got straight F's in algebra during middle school. I did get straight A's in my algebra class, and still never did any homework, so maybe it was working. Anyway, back to Janet. I have no idea what was so attractive about her, or how I was attracted to her. I didn't even know her and we never talked to eachother. I just knew what I felt for her was real love. My anxiety stopped me from ever getting the chance to really sit down and have a good chat with her. This was one of my biggest regrets in life, was never having the balls to at least ask her out or even tell her how I felt. I DID however, write this love letter to her. I had to write it twice because I misspelled something the first time. I wrote it out so very slow. I don't really remember what I wrote, but I was just honest and said something about freezing every time I see her, maybe? Anyway, that 1 algebra readiness class was the only class we ever had together, all throughout high school, but I was crushing on her all throughout high school. Oh, about that note, my best friend, Sam, gave it to her, but I didn't put my phone # on it or anything. He was nice enough to give her my #, but it was my house # and we never answered the phone unless someone left a message, so there went that idea. I appreciate him a lot for at least delivering the message. She was all I ever really thought about in school. I couldn't resist losing myself in her beautiful presence during class. I stared at her a lot... Like almost creep status. Sometimes she'd look up and smile?... At least that's how I chose to form the memory of her xD. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I still remember her outfit the last day of freshman year. A white and black long sleeved top, a skirt, I forget the color. But yea, every day at school I thought it out in my head "Okay man, today is the day! You're going to go up to her and say, hi, how are you?"! That would have at least built onto shyly saying hi, and looking away, if at all, while passing her in the hallway. Anyway, she got a boyfriend our junior year. It was a guy on the football team with me. He was a little shorter than me and a bit thicker. One of the lineman. We'll call him Joe. He was talking in the locker room about his new girlfriend and he said her name was Pallavi . I was like, "who"? "pallavi" "Sorry, who?" "pallavi" mANN. Was I devastated. Well, maybe not devastated lol. I was just surprised and a bit shaken up. It was a statement that meant I totally lost my chance, if I was ever going to take it. Probably wasn't going to. But anyway, I loved her so much, I didn't even care who she was with. As long as I saw her happy! That's how I felt. As long as she was happy, even if it wasn't with me. I was really happy for her and I was less anxious about thinking about talking to her. I still barely ever saw her. She was in choir. During shows, I felt like I could single out her voice in the dozens of girls, and guys singing on stage. It was amazing the connection I felt for her, even if she didn't know it. I truly had a sixth sense for her. I didn't think about it at the time, but I knew when I was about to see her somehow. Walking down a hallway, I'd know she was going to turn the corner or was somewhere nearby. Sure enough, she was always there, like in a dream where you can control the people that you come into contact with. It's like I manifested the perfect girl I never took the shot at. It had to be some sort of pheromones I was detecting subconsciously or something. EVERY time I knew she was there and MY eyes would gaze straight into hers whenever I saw her. It was like nothing else existed, but those vast brown eyes of hers. I liked everything about her. I learned a big lesson though. If you like someone, or something, FUCKING GO OUT THERE AND GET IT! That guy, .... Joe, was it? ended up breaking up with her, or vice versa. I remember finding out through a MySpace blog or post she wrote. I was devastated. I was so sad for her. I felt shitty, because I knew I would have never done anything to hurt her like that. Luckily, she found another guy a year or 2 later. Not sure. I hope in the very deepest crevice of my heart that she is well now. I ended up adding her on Facebook and apologized for acting weird in high school and she accepted my friend request. Still, she never responded to my messages lol. fuckin creeper. She did once, when I asked her what the "color run" was when I saw one of her pictures. I dreamed about her the most, ALWAYS, pretty much all throughout high school. At least once a month she was in my dreams. I usually have very vivid dreams. I can almost always recall the details of my dreams. Once I even lucid dreamed, so I know it's possible. Maybe a bit pervy, but I'm letting everything loose here in this post and on this site. I want to hide nothing. The night before that dream, I had a wet dream, but it ended before it got good. So the next night I said to myself, "I'm going to control my dream today!" and I did. I didn't need to practice or anything. And all the girls in that dream I saw, I jumped on them and humped them xD. Oh man... fucking guy. That guy being me. But I do remember there was about a week or so at one point I was able to control myself slightly and was able to fly whenever I wanted in my drams. I thought it was totally real. I will myself to fly at will. It was really cool. Maybe I can do it tonight. Man, I was really creative when I was younger. I REALLY WANT to get that creativity and knowingness back! That's why I'm here! Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, Jane. Yea, she was such a huge part of my life, even though I never spoke to her lol, jerk, so I had to bring her up. Oh yea, she ended up blocking me on Facebook after I told her I had a dream about her. Lol. I was bummed, but it was better that way. I ended up blocking her back because it hurt/bothered me to see her profile picture and posts through mutual friends, lol. Wow, I've written so much. No one's really reading this anyway.

Okay, the anxiety continued hitting me in college, community college that is. I don't feel it's really relevant to talk about my college days. Nothing special happened. I was just a shit student, got on probation. Got scared of being banned from school. Got straight A's and was a dean's honor student for a semester. Then got bored, knowing I could do well in class. I wasn't driven to accomplish anything. I didn't pick a major for 2 years. I decided on engineering because I enjoyed math and science. I still listen to science podcasts, like "twis, this week in science", and follow science feeds on facebook. Anyway, I ended up dropping in and out of school. I have over 60 completed units, with a poor GPA, and no degree.

Moving forward to more present times. I've really been changing a whole lot in recent years. I love our planet, life and nature. I want to see humanity grow in a positive direction. I want to see the bullshit laws disposed of. We shouldn't have more vacant homes than homeless people on the street out in the cold, left to die. I try to give when I can, but I'm barely hanging on myself. That's another reason I'm trying to become self-actualized. I want to be able to help more people. I'm about learning the real truth, but not at the cost of hiding things and living a cryptic life. I became involved in Masonry a few years ago. I don't do anything with it really anymore. I'm sort of in limbo. I don't think I want to continue. I haven't even told anyone about this. I was trying to figure out the right way to say it. I was going to write a letter expressing my feelings, but I just never did. I guess I'm caught up with my life anyway. Idk. Whatever will happen will happen. Anyway, I received my level 1 reiki attunement from Christina Galvez. She's awesome. Google her. I met her after quitting a management job I had at Big 5 Sporting Goods, due to stress. My excuse for leaving was "going back to school", but I don't remember if I did or not. That was so long ago. I definitely did go back, but I don't remember if I went back right after quitting Big 5. I ended up not working for a while, and living off a 5k student loan, while taking classes. I always intended on finishing. I just fucking. ... I fucking. I don't know. Maybe I was exploring who I am. What all this is. I follow Bashar, Kryon, and Abraham Hicks. They're extraterrestrial entities that speak through people called "channels". It's usually the same person channeling that particular E.T., but multiple people channel Bashar. I resonate very highly with Bashar. He has a lot of amazing things to say. I take everything with a grain of salt. He could be real, maybe it's a figment of Darryl Anka's imagination. That's the main guy that channels Bashar. Who knows what is really going on. It doesn't hurt to explore ALL sources of possible information that can help you assess the world, yourself, and everything in it, right?