Hello, fellow Steemians!

Today, I would like to give you some handy advice on how to handle yourself like a pro when you find yourself in a situation when you don’t speak the language of the peeps around you.

Now, I don’t wanna brag, but I consider myself an expert on this topic. Wherever I travelled, I always managed to make a complete out-of-this-world arse out of myself in said situations.

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Here is my list of recommendations. Follow on your own account! I cannot guarantee a complete idiot-like appearance. Bear in mind it’s all dependent on your own performance!

1. Pretend you speak it!

This is a variation of the well-known motto: Fake it till ya make it!

On my first day in high-school, I found out that I need to learn two foreign languages. At that time, I had only a limited knowledge of German, and the school decided to teach me English as well (like why?!!). However, they didn’t count on the fact that I never had a single lesson in English. I was so embarrassed about that, I told them I could totally pull it off.

I was put in an advanced class (they must have recognized my inner genius because they didn’t even bother to test me) and I was suddenly tasked with an oral presentation about myself, in front of the entire class!

Needless to say that my highly intelligent sentence: “Me love dog.” was not met with an applause…

Success rate: 90%

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2. Force-feed them English 

I was flat-hunting in Sydney in Australia. Of course, the housing market was brutal for a naïve poor-as-fuck girl from across-the-ocean. I ended up in shady corners of the city and eventually found an okay-looking flat (okay, as in there were no giant bugs in sight).

Unfortunately, the flat was offered by a small Chinese lady with literally ZERO knowledge of English. Naturally, my knowledge of Chinese wasn’t much better, so we just ended up each talking our chosen language at the same time. Here’s a short summary of our conversation:

Me: How much is the rent per week?

Her: *speaks Chinese*

Me: I see…What about flatmates? Are there any?

Her: *speaks Chinese*

Me: Sounds good…Do you have wifi here?

Her: *points to an ironing board*

Me: Ok, I’ll keep in touch!

Success rate: 70%

3. Smile and nod

That’s my go-to advice!

I currently live in the Netherlands and I actively learn Dutch. However, if you have ever heard that language (let alone speak it!), you must understand my utter confusion when someone randomly speaks to me in that weird-ass language.

Just today, I was shopping, and this dude started talking to me in the bakery section. I wasn’t paying attention, but my personal guess was that he was bitching about the Easter gluttony fest (Have you seen all those freaking cakes?? Like, shut up and take my money!!). I just smiled and nodded. He kept staring at me, obviously waiting for some answer. Nope. I just smiled again and walked away.

Success rate: 90%

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4. Pretend you are deaf/mute or just ignore them!

My newest strategy!

Tried it today in the supermarket at the cashier. He was not impressed. In fact, I think he thought I was trying to shoplift – my card had been declined and I didn’t notice. I started to walk away with him yelling at me to come back and pay.

Success rate: 95%

5. Stare them down

This is for people who are not easily intimidated. So, definitely not me.

I tried it once when I was working as a sales assistant in a clothes store. This Russian lady strode over to me and began babbling at me in Russian despite the fact we were NOT in Russia. I just stared at her. My manager was not impressed. Apparently, that’s not how customer service works…

Success rate: 90%

6. Speak language THEY don’t know

Despite the fact that almost all Dutch people speak absolutely flawless English, a lot of them just couldn’t be bothered to speak it when you are the only one not catching on in Dutch (That’s just my personal experience. No offense to Dutch people out there!)

At one such occasion (I might have been slightly intoxicated but that's not important?), I was so fed up with it I selected a Dutch girl who never even made an effort to switch the language, and I told her to SHOVE IT UP HER ASS….in Czech (Oh man, I am kind of an asshole, come to think of it...)

Even though I am pretty sure she had no knowledge of the Czech language, she looked like she got the point. And boy, she was NOT.IMPRESSED.AT.ALL.

Success rate: 95%

7. Use hand gestures

Apparently, over 90% of our communication is comprised of non-verbal signals. Out of that 90%, more than half is body language. Therefore, it is your safe bet to try to get your point across communicating with your body. Besides, a lot of hand gestures work across the whole world!

Some piece of advice (might or might not be from personal experience):

• do twerk in bars (Might get you a free drink or an eternity of embarrassment on social media – depends how good you are.)
• don’t do the peace sign with the palm facing inward (Aussies don’t appreciate it!)
• don’t moon anyone (No matter how much you want them to see your buttocks!)
• don’t give the middle finger (That’s when all the verbal/non-verbal communication goes to hell and you get punched in the face.)

Success rate: 70%

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8. Just walk away

This always works!

While my new flatmate has a life of a total superstar, constantly bringing more people to the flat to hang out with them, I am my usual people-hating self who just couldn’t be bothered with social niceties. Therefore, I tend to simply stand up in the middle of the all-Dutch conversation and scour off to my room where I sit in the dark and ponder my pitiful existence. HELLS YEAH!!

Success rate: 100% 

There you have it! Feel free to contribute with any other additional advice because I am always trying to come up with new strategies. For those of you who have never found themselves in such situations:

• You have never even encountered a foreigner. – Where the hell do you live?
• Everyone around you speaks English/your language. – Lucky you!!
• You ignore foreigners, they should learn your freaking language! – You, sir/madam, are the worst!

Please, always realize that some people might be struggling. They might want to contribute but if you just won’t give them the opportunity, then what’s the point?

Let’s be more considerate!

Vendee