Dialectic Small Talk

Lifestyles and Stigmatization

@princepuffin wrote a piece this week about stigma in our working lives. In it he argues that many people feel unnecessary shame about their employment situations because of our cultural ideas about what is a "good job" and what is a "crap job". One thing we can do to avoid this shame is to change our own perspective on work, identity, and value.

Changing perspectives

Sure, you don't need to beat yourself up over what others think, but finding value in your own state of being doesn't stop others from shitting on you. And we all know that "people never change," right? Yet people and minds do change, otherwise culture and society would never change. It's slow and frustrating, but not entirely fruitless. But what to do? How can you shift the conversation away from stigma and towards respect?

Your status symbol is my trap

Something I try to do is work these small shifts in perspective into daily small talk. My personal hill to die on is around the way transportation shapes our lives. I could rant at you for hours about the way sprawl and single occupancy vehicles are killing the environment, social life, and public spaces. If I really told everyone I meet about how I feel about their traffic situation every morning (believe me, it comes up every morning), no one would talk to me again.

Here's the thing about living in the American south. Your car says something about you. Your lack of a car says something very specific about you. Bikes and buses are only for the unproductive and the infirm. There is a long history leading up to the fetishization of cars and suburban homes with big lawns. More than I can get into here, but the thrust of the situation is: everyone who cares about their children must move far away from the places they work so that they can be near good schools. Living that far from work means you have to have a car. Urban transit does not extend to your neighborhood. Also, because everyone lives in the same neighborhood and works in the same place, the twenty miles from home to work is a parking lot every morning and afternoon. If you're going to be comfortable on that long drive, you're going to need a big, cushy ride. etc, etc...

And so, I hear about how bad traffic is on a daily basis.

The flip

That whole situation sounds like a trap to me. I do own a car and have to drive sometimes, but when I do I don't feel the freedom and exhilaration car commercials tell me to feel. I feel cooped up and frustrated. These are things you can't say explicitly to acquaintances and expect them to do anything but feel puzzled or storm away. So instead, I let my perspective out in bite size chunks:

• Oh, there were lane closures on the way in and it took an extra hour? Man that sucks. Me? Oh, well, a squirrel saw me riding on my bike and tried to race me. It was close, but in the end I blew by him.
• Buying a new house? Wow, all the way out there huh? I don't know how you do it, I couldn't stand to be in the car that long.
• New car? Awesome, I could never keep up with such a nice car. I never could bring myself to care enough about a car to keep it nice...

You get the point. In real life I hope I am a little more subtle.

What's the point?

I didn't write this to argue against sprawl and car ownership, although I gladly will. The point is, those parts of your life others want to frame as pitiable? Throw it back at them, show them the pity they need for the hardships their high status possessions and lives bring to them. If you are a cashier or a garbage collector, don't feel meek in front of a bank vice president. There are ways you are free and ways that you help people that are more meaningful than the salary the banker commands. You would rather spend time with your family than dedicating your life to work? Don't let others paint you as lazy, let them see what they're missing out on.

Just try not to rub their noses in it.