letting the light in

You never really know the importance and impact of music, until you listen to it. I mean really listen. When you just close your eyes and open your ears, your mind, your heart. When you feel it running through your veins, in every pore of your skin, in that part of your brain you don’t like to listen to… When you feel it deep in your soul. Now, THAT’S what I call listening.

Paramore’s After Laughter is the kind of album that gives me strength, that tells me “hey, life is REALLY hard, and that’s okay, in a way. Feel every emotion, that’s what makes us human”. It’s harsh, it’s real, it’s not sugar-coated, it’s emotional, it’s human. A thing of beauty. This album is something like a beacon of hope, something that tells us we’re not alone, even when we feel like we are; that tells us that it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let everything out, it’s okay to not be okay.

After Laughter turned one this year. That’s one year of raw feelings. One year of tears. One year of healing. One year of changes. One year of pain. One year of fake smiles. One year of genuine happiness. One year of realness. One year of cathartic therapy. One year of growing. One year of being alive. One whole year of the experience that is After Laughter.

A year ago I noticed I was neck-deep in a very dark place. Always hiding behind a cheerful, broken mask. Almost all I felt was hate. I even started hating myself. Hope was nonexistent. I listened to After Laughter from a place of pain, anger, sadness, darkness, hopelessness. But, all in all, it was my safe place. My shoulder to cry on. Then, something changed.

My best friend moved to another country, because ours is way too hard for anybody to live in. My boyfriend and I broke up, after being in a long-distance relationship for years, because we didn’t have a plan in common anymore. And I forced myself to take a long, hard look in the mirror. “What do you want?”

But that wasn't me. Not anymore. There wasn't enough room for more darkness. So I grabbed a flashlight and started looking for my real self again.

I started singing out loud and showing my talent.
I started doing yoga.
I started writing lyrics.
I started loving myself.
I started looking up again.
I'm starting to express myself.
I even dyed my hair blue once more.

Little by little, I'm letting the light in again. Healing takes time, but I’m getting there, and I’m proud of myself.

After Laughter is still my safe place, and it has a whole different meaning now. It makes me wanna dance, it makes me wanna cry, it makes me wanna write, it makes me wanna live. But most importantly: it makes me so not fake happy.

"Letting my old self go
And letting myself grow"