I want to write... but I'm too disgusted with myself to begin...
It's been quite a while since my last post on Steemit. I still love this platform and love seeing it grow and change... but life is consuming all of my time. So much so, that it's beginning to wear on me.
I've reached that old, familiar feeling of hating the idea of writing because I don't want to put the effort into putting my inner-most feelings on paper because I don't think I want to see them, let alone wanting others to see them.
I feel weak. I feel like I can't accomplish what I want to accomplish because I don't have the time, competence, or the willpower to even complete what I start.
I'm working on some exciting things. You can see the beginnings of it over here at Emerio Financial Coin. I'm legitimiately excited about what we're working on there and believe wholeheartedly it is a worthy endeavor with tremendous opportunity for success.
But I feel trapped in a cage of my own design.
I'm a stay-at-home dad. I love that role for the most part. It's extremely rewarding at times and the flexibility allows my wife a lot of options on how to manage our day-to-day issues that arise like taking kids to the doctor or simply getting groceries.
But it's not what I'm good at. It's definitely not what I'm best at.
My brain was wired to either build or destroy. That's what I'm good at. That's what I enjoy.
I'm barely competent at being a stay-at-home dad but I feel worthless when I can't find a job beyond packing boxes at an entry level job.
I've done enough job fairs to know I'd rather self-injure than go to one of those again.
I don't feel like I can escape this. I seek risk because I enjoy the opportunity of reward. My wife hates risk and values security above all else.
She earned a PhD while I was in the military so her income pays the bills. My words carry little weight.
Where do I go from here, Steem friends?
I don't know exactly how you feel, but I did take my turn as a stay at home dad from the time my son was 3 to 18 months. I can tell you I was an awesome dad... but a below average mom. You are right. We are wired differently than moms. And that is OK! Because even if you are at home, your job is not to be the mom. Your job is to be a kick ass dad.
The fact that you were in the military (I was not so thank you for your service!) probably means you are like me and big into "pulling your weight". Well I can tell you from experience that there is no bigger weight to pull than being a parent. But it is weird when you are a dad. We like to see projects through from beginning to end.
When we put up drywall, we sand it, paint it and then stand back and say "That's a damn good job. Well done. I earned a beer."
But with parenting, there is no finished product. So it may feel like you aren't accomplishing anything. But believe me. You are. Every day. If you look at every day as it's own project, that might help. You accomplish something every day by just making it to bedtime.
When you look back in 20 years, I think you will realize you performed the most important job in your life (although I bet yours might be spilt between your service to your family and your service to the citizens of your country).
20 years from now, you won't find many people who say, "Man I wish I worked more." But you will find many who say, "Man I wish I spent more time with my kids." I'm not a very religious guy but I do believe in fate. Maybe your kid really needs you right now. Maybe there is a very good reason that you are being directed toward staying at home.
That's all great and logical, but you still have feelings. My suggestion would be to get away from your house every once in a while. Being there all day every day can make you go stir crazy. Set some time aside for yourself man. You are earning it. You are "going against your wiring" for the good of your family. That's pretty heroic man.
By the way, parenting does get much easier. If it didn't, no one in the world would ever have more than 1...
Well said mate.
Nice post! What will happening, if someone resteem your post?
many thanks man... that was some solid advice. I think its just that nagging feeling that I'm doing more harm than good at times, especially when my temper flares up.
"Nothing new under the sun...", I know. Just can't figure out when, where, or how it will all come together.
Again, many thanks. Your words meant a good deal.
You're writing doesn't have to be your inner most thoughts exclusively.
Try a different approach, join a growing community related to steemit in one of the discord channels, read/comment/curate instead of posting or even host a fun contest and enjoy the process.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here, you may be feeling stuck in a routine when you're truly craving something bigger or more meaningful than the day to day. Breaking up your routine by doing small things can help a lot as well.
Very true. This was one of the few times I put something out like this. More of an act of desperation from a very, very bad day :P I'm generally too fried mentally and emotionally by the time everyone else is in bed to write anything coherent and that's my only time available and I hate waking up early.
Even breaking the routine is a challenge because 'why should I have the right to do anything fun when all I do is sit around all day'? Or at least that's what I tell myself, or imagine my wife saying.
Wow, that's a really cool idea! And your writing will improve automatically - not that there's anything wrong with it. It's great to be supportive of other writers and it'll get you a bunch of friends that are on the same page, too.
Go out back and record yourself building or destroying something (safely).
Then you can post it for everyone's enjoyment and don't even have to worry about doing much writing xD
Get paid by youtube and steemit for sharing the process and experience.
If it's not something useful for you or the kid, sell whatever you build locally or on the net for some steem!
Maybe you can find ways for the little one to help out :)
Pretty good idea. I think I could do that, actually :)
I know how you feel bro. It ends up being a tough position because you want to feel super productive and bring down mad bits or $ and do everything at home so that when your wife comes home everything is happy but it is tough. I have had my struggles on finding good consistent IT work in Tucson and it has gotten bad enough that I pretty much have a bad attitude about it and don't even want to waste my time anymore with it here. I recently wasted my time interviewing for a cloud computing position and they had me take all these assessments and all this and that and at the end of it they hired another guy who was friends with someone who already worked there so the position wasn't even available in the first place.
Hopefully you can find the right motivation and balance at home to be in a good mindset. I know it has been hard for me at times to figure out what I need to be doing to be most productive around here.
I can't wait til' the HR structure is wholly disrupted. I fucking hate everything about the "new job process".
Fucking assembly-line madness. The only way to get anything that isn't a soul sucking experience is through a friend into an interesting startup, at least for people with our personality types (and it sounds like we are very similar).
My first job out of Special Forces in the civilian world was literally packing boxes in a warehouse because that's all I could find. They got a tax write-off on the deal for 'hiring a vet' and I got to use their insurance policy to get a herniated disc shaved off :)
Fair trade, I suppose.
Yeah I feel ya. It can be frustrating for sure.
Sorry that you’re going through a rough time. Not one with many commitments at all here, but I partly understand that staying at home for extended periods of time can be maddening sometimes, even to the point of developing tunnel vision. But all in all it’s likely the situation is not as bad as it seems.
Keep writing! Maybe even build a garden at home!
That would be enjoyable and a wise skill to learn. I need a fucking time machine...
I can imagine that juggling responsibilities must be quite stressful, however I was once told that nothing worth doing in life was ever easy. The same will be for you juggling the responsibilities of being Dad and caring for your kids, as well as pushing your projects forward. Its going to be hard, but you will push through. You have the support of the commmunity here, you just have to let people know when you are struggling! Like now. Keep kicking ass man.
I'm a teacher and when I'm on longer school holidays I sometimes just stay home and after a while I start to feel very down and I get stuck in kind of a rut. Perhaps try going for a run, go fishing. If you enjoy traveling, plan a trip and the weeks up until your trip will be a lot easier to get through. I should be saying "live for today" but I really think if you have things to look forward to in the future then you'll feel better.
I understand when you mention writing down your inner most thoughts. I also know no other way but to lay a lot of it out there, it's just an honesty thing and if that's who you are then that's cool. Nothing wrong. Perhaps you're craving that connection with people because you're home so much. You can also connect with people on topics you're passionate about.
All in all, I think you just need to get out and do something for you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It will pass. But just get out a little! :-)
Toughest challenge with that is getting a 'green light'. My wife is basically my only friend and she doesn't like doing anything after work or on the weekends, so it's a recursive cycle.
Teaching sounds like a vacation at this point. It's one thing I love... Note: didn't mean that to say your work is a vacation, I know it's not. Just something new every day.
It’s hard to feel useful and valuable when your training in the military isn’t applicable to civilian life. Take your time and do the best you can at being a stay at hone dad. This is a valuable job most fathers would give their left nut to spend more time with their kids. Be super proud of your wife and her ability to gain a PhD and have a great income to support your family. This doesn’t make your contribution less valuable.
Writing was never one of my strengths but I enjoy sharing the pictures I’ve taken along the way.
Stay strong brother.
Very good point about not taking the time spent with the kids for granted. I suppose I do that from time to time.
Definitely proud of the wife, but I get the distinct sense the feeling is not mutual. I'm more "unemployed" than anything, in her mind. Probably a major source of the conflict to begin with.
Thanks for the kind words, brother!
Hello friend, this situation happens to most of the people. Anything that limits your activity will lead to increase in thought process, most of the thoughts might be negative. I will suggest you to get out of the comfort zone as soon as possible, because if it becomes a habit to dislike working outside then will diminish the jewel in you. You need to keep on polishing yourself to shine in life, start will a small work and go on improving and develop new skills, trust me in 5 yrs you will earn more than your wife, and will be more content and happy, because if we sit idle our body tries to destroy itself. Always remember value addition is life. Adding value to everything will add value to yourself.
Definitely agree on the 'polishing' and continuing to add value. I don't know where the hell I'd be without my knowledge of the cryptocurrency stuff. Thanks!
Wow, you just said a mouthful! In fact, I'm taking this piece of advice to heart. Habits are a real problem when you're stuck in them. Hard to make and harder to break. Thanks for your 2 cents. It'll make lots more sense when I'm in the right track - the high road beats the low!
Thanks friend, just told my experiences.
I am a work from home/stay at home/housewife.
I understand your situation, and sometimes too feel 'worthless'. raising children might not feel stimulating or rewarding to all of us, but it is the most important job in the world
You are working on stuff too, give it time, work hard, find a balance that suits and your value will be repaid.
Do you have a different perception of it as a woman? I see the rewards, but they're the kinds of rewards that don't activate the same reward center in my brain that I prefer... if that makes any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that reward that comes from taking care of the kids and doing things with them close to the other things you truly enjoy in life?
I am not a very material person, stepping back from my career nearly sent me to the nut house, but now I work online I am keeping my brain alive and its activating the same reward center. I would still rather work than stay at home, but now I do both, just from home