Tiger Moms and Parents Letting Their Child Fail
Im sure any of you who have gone through any sort of school system know of the kids with the so called “Tiger Moms” who expect nothing but perfection out of their children. In many cases they check their homework before it gets handed in, do it for their child and make sure that they are nothing but the best in their class. In the short term this may help a child, but in the long term, not only does this many times lead to a lack of independence, but also hatred and resentment towards their parents later in life. One of my best friends had a tiger mom and when he went to college, he had a very hard time and blames his parent’s overprotection. Children need to learn to do things on their own, especially if they do them incorrectly because that’s how they learn and fix the mistake, they must be allowed in some ways, to fail.
One of the greatest quotes from “Batman Begins” summarizes my point perfectly. After a young Bruce Wayne falls through an old wooden floor into a cellar, he hurts himself and his father comes to rescue him. Upon rescuing him he asks the young Bruce Wayne “Why do we fall?” and follows up with telling him “So we can learn to pick ourselves up”. If you never let your child find his own way and transition into an adult, you are directly impacting their lives. Some parents are so crazy when it comes to trying to live vicariously through their children that they actively try to turn them to their image of perfection.
I hate that this has to be said, but children are people, human beings just like you and me. They need to be treated with a level of respect that acknowledges they are growing. Im not saying that you shouldn’t parent your child and teach them right from wrong, but you need to setup the right environment for them. There is an idea by economist Adam Smith called the markets “Invisible Hand”, which basically says that while you cant force someone to do something, you can influence their choices with legislation and incentives. This theory can be brought over pretty successful into parenting as well. Setting rules and guidelines for a child is fine, but let them make mistakes that they can learn from.
The most important part of letting them fail is being there for them when they pick themselves back up. Supporting them rather than scolding them is many times a much better option. If they get a 50% on a test, rather than yelling at them, ask them what they didn’t understand, offer them help. Guide their decisions by letting them know that they need to do better on the next test or else there will be consequences. Incentivize them to do well on their own and to learn how to act like a functioning adult when the time comes.
Don’t become the tiger mom or parent like the one I talked about in the intro. Make sure that you set up your parenting so it guides your children to growth. If they fail they fail, incentivize them to do better in a way that doesn’t push them away. Eventually they won’t see failure as failure, but rather as a motivator to do better next time. Edison said he didn’t fail 1000 times making the light bulb, but rather just found 1000 ways it wouldn’t work. This is how we grow.
P.J. O'Rourke on Amy Chua. Ms. Chua is the author of the bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: "You might think that Amy Chua is a fascist pig. She wrote a previous book, World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability, so she is. She also possesses the most unpleasant personality I’ve ever seen projected into print, and I’ve read Earth in the Balance."
The role of the parent is to guide the kids to success and pushing them can be harsh. To some, failure is not an option because the system demands that you need to succeed to get a head. Do not get good grade so you will not get into good schools. Do not get into good schools then do not get a good job etc....
The role of the parent is to guide their kids and give them the best possible start to make it in this world. It also all depends on the child, whether he is apt to learn from his mistakes or just keep on doing the same time again and again.
One size does not fit all and it all depends on the appitude of the child in question. He may need a little more help from his parents whilst others are more independent.
The most important thing is that you do it for the child and not for your own prestige.
Raising a child is one of the hardest longitudinal experiments I can imagine.
Some parents are too overprotected while others are on the other side of the spectrum. It's definitely a balancing act. I had a BF in the 5th grade and her moms expected nothing but excellence from her. She woke up early has hell to swim before school and after school was piano lessons. I even recall her piano teacher being a total bastard too LOL. Weekends it was tennis. And she was never supposed to get an -A let alone B. I found out that when she went to college at Northwestern -- she completely went "Girls Gone Wild." In the end, she came out of it but she had a lot of pent up tension that she accrued since she was a little girl and her relationship with her mom totally suffered. Your story reminded me of her within the first few sentences. I haven't thought of her in YEARS! Thanks for writing this. A very important insight for parents!
This is one of the best posts that I have read on Steemit. It really hits home. I have 3 kids approaching adulthood now. And I have observed these what I call "helicopter" parents do everything in their power to ensure that their kid doesn't fail. And as these kids reach the real world, they become angry and unprepared.
Over the years I have seen these parents harass teachers, coaches, and administrators in their child's defense. Never once acknowledging that their kid may be the reason, that he/she didn't make the team, or didn't get the "A".
Failing should be the ultimate motivator. If one doesn't learn how to fail, they will never truly learn how to succeed.
Children should be no different from adults. They are motivated by incentives. My children are in Kumon to give them a competitive edge over their peers. I do not force them to go. They are paid in silver weekly for their work.
They do kid's Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu too to learn to defend themselves. Again, I do not force them into the program, and they do it because they have fun while learning. I have the instructors to thank for that at our local Charlottesville Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu school. They are awesome!
We also encourage our children to learn at least one more language by buying them books and other things to make the learning process easier. Play dates are setup with other children who are also learning foreign languages. I encourage Spanish, Russian, and Chinese as the best choices, but they are free to pick themselves.
Nothing is forced on them, we do not ridicule them for low marks either, but we do provide them the proper incentives. I also will not move 16 times from K-12 as my parents did to me. My children will have a stable childhood to make learning easier.
Thanks for the good post! I am glad to have found it.
A very good post, unfortunately very fond of your post keep work and keep the spirit friends
I agree with you. You have to fail before you succeed. I have created several businesses in the past. Most failed, but the one that did well was based on past mistake. Thanks for your insight.
I definitely agree with your post. I have learned way more from my mistakes than I have from my successes. I think it is key that parents shift from a blaming culture to one that fosters learning. They should focus on how each failure made is just another stepping stone on the way to success.
Failure is not only healthy its THE ONLY WAY TO LEARN.