The Dark Side Of Desire

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
by Oscar Wilde

I have many dreams. My mind is a creative jungle, overcrowded by what ifs. Day by day it keeps showing up with new fantasies, and experiences, and things that would “absolutely make my life so much better”. Day by day I enter this game where I dream and I want and I wish. Emotions clash into emotions. Excitement rubs into eagerness. Oh, the ecstasy I feel at the thought of future happiness. “What could I do to make today/this week/this summer even more extraordinary?” “Yeah, I am/have/do all these things, but, you know, it gets boring without the buzz. I'm sure there's something in the future that would just blow me away!”

The thing is, though, that the more I want, the more it expands. The more it grows, the more I experience an increasing restlessness inside. And this agitation gives rise to a subtle, yet, soon to be, profound dissatisfaction with the way things are. “It's not enough!” “There's more!” “I want that! Let's go get it!” Finally, it reaches a stage where I'm not even paying attention to the present moment. I get totally dissociated with my body and I'm just free falling into exhaustion, basically. All this time, does it ever occur to me that I am training myself to be in a hateful relationship with what is? No, not really. Not when I'm high on life. Not until the lights are off. When the stage gets emptied and everything is as it always was. But enough about this...

Let's get back to dreams… Oh, my dreams… They are bundles of hope and joy and enthusiasm. They make me fly like nothing else. I give them so much importance. I treat them with respect and adoration. Nothing is as important as my desires. I mean, desires are the zest of life. The inner callings of the soul. For years, I read books on finding my deepest, truest desires. I read articles on how to dream courageously, magnificently, bigger, better, more efficiently. I used to convince myself that desiring is an art and, as such, I should become worthy and knowledgeable enough to perform this kind of art. The world needs dreamers. Without desire, I'm as good as a sick elephant, weak, stiff and boring. Who would want me? Who would need me? A useless being, just carrying around its useless body.

So, this game has some serious implications. For my sake, I need to be in love with my dreams and I need to have dreams. Even when they bite. It doesn't matter. I still want them. I justify their abusiveness as innocent and glorious play. Or as my fault. Maybe I'm not good enough to have them. I should re-evaluate my potential. I should improve myself. They are untouchable. Psyche royalty. I do see it: this position they're in, gives them so much power. My power. Because, guess what, they're not here to make friends. They're here to take the money. They're here for my attention. For my life, my freedom. Every moment I give to them, I'm robbing myself of my life.

I am pretty sure by now: all that this process does is create struggle and frustration. It appears enticingly, like a beautiful mirage, ready to catch my attention. Like a mythical mermaid, it sings its seductive song until I'm enamored and close enough to grab. And off we go into a sticky dance of entanglement. A forceful movement that exerts pressure. That puts a veil over my eyes. So, that, when I look at my present life, it appears stale and devoid of excitement. By contrast, I am promised a one of a kind adventure. It's getting hard to say no. I accept to pursuit these dreams. But, immediately, a contract appears in front of me: “Look at what you have now – it kinda sucks! And look at what you could get – oh yeah, that would be heaven! And you can reach that far away heaven if you work/strive/hustle/don't settle for now.” “Do this and that and you will get there.” “Work hard and you will get it.” “You just have to give it your all.”

And so many times I signed this silly piece of mental paper. And I worked. And I struggled. But it was never enough. Because there was always some other step I would have to take. Some unknown clause that would suddenly appear. At times, inviting me to give my all. Other times, threatening to take it all away. There were occasions where this arrangement would peacefully end. Mission complete! Finally, I would reach that thing I had been so much after. But my organic reaction to it was so not like in my dreams. It had a very weird empty quality to it. The glitz was gone and I was in the presence of a carcass. Many times, the happiness of getting what I wanted lasted for only a split second, and puff!, there I was, again, in this same present moment, feeling shallow. Ultimately, I realized, I had gained nothing but fatigue and disillusionment.

And, so, the cycle would begin again, repeating itself until I would strain my body and my mind in this absurd search. And depression would eat at me until something would convince me again to sign in for some other 'very important', life-changing mission.

But somewhere along the road, I decided that I had enough.

I'm done with following dreams that promote over-the-top enjoyment. They're just pretty pictures that promise but don't quite fit the bill. For these 'innocent' and 'happy' and 'beautiful' stories I literally exchange my life. I, somehow, miss myself while looking for a “better” self. And I bring dissatisfaction and deprivation to myself. And I never get to see myself as I am. Without the should's. The must's. Without the obligation to go forward. The refusal to stop and catch myself. And it's enough, really.

“Come, play with us! We can give you bliss.”

“You know what? This time around I'll just sit here, so, whatever...”

Depression? It's okay, I can handle it. Boredom? Oh, I love that. Anxiety? I'm here for it. I'll gently release it. Whatever life brings about, whatever happens, I am here to take it all in. Not trying to change and not running away. No reservations and no way out. I am willing to decipher my own universe. Bring it, world!

Don't follow something, believing that it would give you lasting happiness. Nothing outside of you has that kind of power. The key to real happiness is only in yourself, right now. Be content with what is in this very moment. Other things, well, just let them run after you. Not the other way around.