The strongest of the senses - a spark of love

Things will just happen to me constantly and out of the blue. I will be working at a bookstore and someone will invite me to be a model; I'll be walking up the stairs of the Met, trip over a guy, and we'll get married. Probably within a week.

When I fall in love, it will be instantaneous. I will just know. Our relationship will develop at warp speed and we will probably get married before the month is out.

Real Love is crazy dramatic and exciting. In fact, the more dramatic the better. Anything less than Total Drama means we're already bored of each other.

Dateable people are simply everywhere.

Everybody is white. Anybody who is not white fulfills every stereotype you've heard about that ethnicity.

Everyone is skinny and beautiful. If someone is not skinny, they are basically a caricature of themselves and their size is fair game for jokes. (It's okay! Fat people are jolly!)

I should constantly be dressed up for school. Six inch heels and leather pants are standard fare and will be totally comfortable.

I should wake up looking (and feeling) like a shampoo ad.

Men and women cannot just be friends. Ever.

There's this thing called "the spark." Though no one seems entirely clear on what "the spark" is, without it your relationship is doomed.

As a woman, even if you're intelligent and good at other things, you must also be conventionally attractive and constantly exude sexiness. (Thanks Cosmo, Charlie's Angels, and everything ever.)

There are basically no interracial couples. Or couples of different sizes or from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

Gay males mostly exist as sidekicks and shopping companions to sassy, stylish young women.

Accidental pregnancy happens constantly. In your lifetime, you or someone close to you will get pregnant unintentionally. Probably before you graduate from high school.

Ill-intentioned people are easily spotted and avoided. Anyone sketchy has had a tough childhood, no role models, or is somehow "disturbed". Normal-looking people never screw up or do awful shit to one another.

Transportation is never A Thing. There will always be a parking spot near the door and I'll have no problem navigating public transit. Unless, of course, I do. In which case everything will go horribly, horribly wrong.

And further to that: cars never breakdown or need gas unless it's dark and scary out or I'm in the middle of nowhere, alone.

Everybody on these bleachers knows the words and choreography to the song that is about to come on.

Apologies are always accepted and nobody ever needs space.

The police will always get to the bottom of the case. Because, DNA.

Sex is always perfect: weird sounds never happen; logistics and timing are never an issue; and everyone will automatically know what you like and vice versa.

Breakups are always dramatic, tragic, and short-lived. I will consume multiple pints of ice cream and drink a lot of chardonnay with my girlfriends until I am over it or we are back together, both within a week.