Moving to hive
Fuck you Justin, we're moving to Hive.
7 years ago in #life by derangedvisions (73)
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Continue to write. Continue to vocalize. Continue to talk with us.
PTSD took my brother. It takes too many loved ones. I cannot understand why people do not do more to help, however they can. I wish I could say the words that would help alleviate even a little bit of what you're going through. The only thing I can think of is:
You are strong enough to live.
You are strong enough to get through this.
You are strong enough to become whole again.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I am glad that it has found its way to people that thing this type of thing matters.
I've lost too many friends because of it. A lot of family members are affected by it, but they don't know how to open up and tell anyone. It took me a good 6 months before I showed my wife this writing because I didn't want her to know how bad I had been suffering, but she knew I was being eaten up inside. My wife is awesome and has been by my side through almost 2 combat deployments, an overseas tour and time away from home totaling 6 years. I am doing a lot better than I was back when I originally wrote this though. I have found my calling in life, as it were. I made a feature length documentary film about the life of a Vietnam Veteran and his struggle with what he went through during the war and how it has affected his life after. I will be making a blog about that in the near future. His story is pretty incredible. He was a helicopter pilot and flew a mission to rescue a group of Marines and his helicopter took fire, killing every one board, but he still managed to rescue the Marines and fly out of there.
To be completely honest I've blocked most of my memories about the situation out of my mind. Maybe in self-defense. And have never really talked about it...at least not in a way that mattered. Opening up about that kind of pain, I don't think I've really ever done it. I mean, I've alluded to it, and written about a lot of other stuff, but that one event... It was when I did one of those smoke and hikes that my eyes were opened about how much I'd hid that pain, and the baggage that surrounded it. And realized that there were a lot like me, not only suffering from PTSD, but also the loss of loved ones due to it. The quick talk the veteran gave before we all got going pretty much ripped all the scabs I had over all the wounds. Strangely enough that was about the time I had just started writing on here. ...as luck would have it.
That's so cool that you did that. Making a documentary about another vet. Especially as a part of your own healing process. Just the ability to create, express feelings through things other than words, I don't know what I'd do without it. And I can imagine how it's helping you. Don't forget to leave links so that we can see this documentary if it's out somewhere :)
And, atheist as I am, god bless people like your wife and those who make the commitment to help, no matter how hard it gets, and to love you for you throughout the whole process :)
I know what you mean about suppressing the memories. There was a lot of stuff that I had chosen to force out of my mind that was unconsciously triggered when I got into law enforcement. Then when things got to their tipping point and I left law enforcement and sought help, all of those repressed memories started coming back to me during the process I had to go through with the VA.
I have started a veterans club at my school and one of the main things we do is offer support for each other, but the one downside we all face when we do that is every time one of us is going through a hard time and we open up about why, the other person takes on that burden as well and relives a lot of their memories while helping the other person. It's good that we are all there for each other and have a tight knit group.
Yeah, the opening up process is super hard because in order to do it, you have to accept other peoples burden as well. But that's the point of the group, spreading the weight out amongst all of you. You're not a single person when you're part of a community, especially when that means something like yours. The loads a lot lighter with more :) At least that's what I think.
The law enforcement thing...I imagine that was a complex mix of emotions. Familiarity, yet all the triggers. Then, no familiarity, but still the triggers...I'm really glad you found an outlet like you did, and had the strength to form that group. :)
just as @mikesthoughts said. We are here and a lot of what you wrote I too deal with on a daily bases. You are not alone. Never think you are!!
Come join the freewriters and ..........it helps.........in 5 minutes a day....even if you don't feel comfortable posting it.......I call it my '5 minutes frrewrite therapy* for the day. it helps you realize what is on your mind that day at that minute and somehow it helps you work through things that have been bothering you for so long. Trust me there. please.
here is todays prompt. even if you don't write tonight.read a few and you will see you are not alone hugs to you AND your wife
https://steemit.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/day-132-5-minute-freewrite-wednesday-prompt-gardening
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I will have to look into the freewriting. I have been doing a lot more writing these past few days here on Steemit than I normally do, which has actually been therapeutic and has introduced me to a lot of great people. Normally when I post my photography there isn't much interaction, but I have noticed that when I comment on other writer's posts or if I make posts that are more geared towards content than my photos, I spend more time having meaningful conversations. This community here has been awesome this past month that I have been on Steemit.
interaction is very key to healing for all of us.
Steemit has helped me in so many ways I have now lost count.
5 minutes of your day to write something is worth more then I can tell you. You just, in this, have to have faith.
I am here if you should ever need anything.
Tough Read. I'll have to try again later, but I'm around Veterans all the time, my family is full of them, I work with them, have online and IRL friends...
I am glad that you will be taking the time to read this. If you are able to understand what some of your family or friends are going through, then you will be able to know more of how you can support them if they need it. Thanks again.
I am so sorry you have to go through these things. I hope your new passion helps with some of that. Btw you should stop by my latest post though you did not win the top prize I added a couple of prizes and you did win one of those.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. These experiences have shaped me to who I am now and made me appreciate life in a whole new way. I know it can be taken away in an instant, so I try and search for the beauty in everything.
That's awesome that I was able to win in your contest. It doesn't matter to me that it wasn't the top prize, your contest gave me a chance to brag about my family, which is always a bonus for me. It's people like you hosting stuff like your contests that are helping to make this community so much better and all the work that you do is very appreciated.
@derangedvisions, and veterans alike often times only the ones who have been where you have seen what you have and experienced what you have can understand what you have sadly most don't make it home and other leave home(22)all to soon let us lean upon each other for support the hidden trust system we have developed and the ability to speak and understand without speaking we are all here to support and stand with you pax vobiscum brother
Thank you. My goal behind this post was to open up everyone's eyes to what those with PTSD goes through so that more people can be an effective support system. So many people have veteran family members or friends that are veterans, so I figured it would be good to have a little insight into what they may be going through on a daily basis.
I was recently listening to a podcast on the first world war and how the returning veterans with PTSD were looked down upon because of their behavioral changes and not being able to face up to life was attributed to them being not good enough to do a soldier's job. Back then we had no understanding of PTSD, in fact no one even knew that something like that exists.
We have come a long way from that, but that does not change what goes on in the mind of someone who had to see and be part of experiences which no human being should have to go through.
I never read something like this from someone who is or has gone through such pain personally. I do not have suggestions as I am not a medical professional and my understanding of the subject is limited to what I have heard and read here and there.
What I can say is, I see that you are fighting it out and winning. Just carry on with it. My and everyone else's best wishes are always there with you to help you overcome this.
I appreciate your support. We have come a long way in treating the symptoms of combat related PTSD, but the truth is at least 22 Veterans commit suicide every day, so there is so much more that can be done for the mental health crisis that we have in the veteran community. There is a stigma with the public that many veterans suffering from PTSD are beyond help and they are a loose cannon. My hopes with this post was to bring awareness of what those suffering from PTSD, not only veterans, deal with so that they could offer effective support to their loved ones.
I hope that this post makes some people see it from the eyes of veterans
You got a 37.20% upvote from @luckyvotes courtesy of @derangedvisions!
I would like to start out by saying that I do not have PTSD nor have I ever had any traumatic incidents in my life that were above or beyond what the average person encounters over sixty years of life on earth. I spent almost nine years in the U.S. Navy and I'm a deacon in a small Baptist church, I have been around people who have suffered tragedy and some who have been severely traumatized, that is the extent of my experience.
Having said that, I wanted to comment on your blog because I did notice some similarities between us, and I noted how my thinking and the way that I view things differs from how you are seeing those same or similar things. So I thought that by highlighting these differences you might be able to find some answers for yourself, answers that possibly only could come from someone such as yourself that has suffered such life-altering events.
"PTSD is a constant voice in your head telling you that you are no good."
This is something that I found true about myself also. I'm pretty much thought of as a good person, even my siblings think of me as a good person and who knows me better than those who were eyewitnesses to what I have been like through the years. The fact is that I am probably pretty good on the outside, I did tell you that I am a deacon right? But my problem has rarely been on the outward appearance of me, the problem was what I knew about the inward reality of me. On the inside, I have the same temptations, the same imaginings, the same terrible desires and feelings as anyone else. In fact, I find no good in me at all save one thing, that is the part of me that God Himself put in there. That part of me is good and pure and I strive to let it lead the way for my life. If I were to let my flesh lead I would surely be dead or in jail, and If I were to let my soul lead I would be a liar and a thief and I would be all about only doing what was best for me. But if I follow the spirit of obedience and humility that God put in me, then I can live a good and pure life.
"When you do go out to try and feel like a normal person, you can't sit with your back to the exit and you size up everyone in the area, constantly scanning for potential threats."
I found this very interesting because I also do this naturally, no one trained me to think like that I just have done it for as long as I can remember. But there are some big differences in my motivation and the motivation that you exhibit in your description. Where you identify the threats and think about how you can kill them before they kill you, I look at the threats and try to decide the best way that I can protect my family and others in the room. I look at those that would be in the most exposed position, and at those who would be helpless if attacked. What would be my best defense?, Which direction would provide the best escape routes? What angle should I take if I need to attack, and what would be my best chance for success in turning the tables on the assailant? The thoughts of my own safety are at the back of the line and not at the front. For me, the reason is because I know where I will go when I die, but I don't have that same confidence for others in the room. What might be their fate if they lost their lives today? You started off by talking about your own life as though it was worthless and forfeit, but then tyou dwell on ways to preserve it even if it meant using extreme violence, so these two ideas stand in contradiction to each other. On the day that I turned my life over to Christ Jesus, I could no longer consider it my own. My life belongs to Him now and I trust Him to decide my fate, knowing that whatever happens will be for the best not just for me, but for all others that are affected by my life or my death.
"PTSD is unexplainable explosive anger."
When I was a child I would often lose my temper. At nine-years-old, I picked up a broomstick and beat my fifteen-year-old brother up with it, to this day he is afraid to cross me. At school I got in a fight with another boy, he ran behind my favorite teacher trying to get away from my wrath and I ended up hitting her while trying to get to him. Something that shocked me to my core because I wouldn't even talk back to an adult, much less hit a teacher that I loved and admired. But even after I recognized the problem I could not control it, when I lost my temper, I lost it and was like a wild animal. As I got older I learned how to better control it, but anger was always right under the surface awaiting an opportunity to show itself. The thing with anger is that it is a spirit and it has its rightful place, there is a thing called righteous anger and there is anger without a cause. One day God taught me a huge lesson about my anger, what I learned about myself was that this anger stemmed from pride. Someone challenged my manhood, called me a name, falsely accused me, or any number of other excuses that caused me to well up with pride and strike back. When I took pride off of the throne of my life and made humility king I defeated these fits of anger and rage once and for all. Now I know that I am a man and I don't have to prove that to anyone. The point is that you need to identify where your anger comes from, if you are not angry over spilled milk then what are you angry about? Is it because you came home when others didn't? If so would this not also be a form of pride in that you are saying that you would be a better judge of who should live and die than God? Or perhaps you are angry with God for allowing these events to happen in the first place. If you do believe in God then how far do you think you're going to get by fighting with Him? Why not find out what He has to say about the whole thing? If you don't believe in God then who else could your blame be leveled at, the Government? I could better go along with that but you have almost the same problem, what good is it going to do you?
"the voices in your head telling you that you don't deserve to be here."
I don't know anyone who could tell you adequately why they deserve to be here, I could tell you a few reasons why someone doesn't deserve to be here, but it's harder to decide why a person does deserve to live. Why are any of us here? What purpose do we serve? If you believe that life just happened by chance and that we all just evolved from Jellyfish or some other such beast, then I can see why you might think that life means nothing and that it has little or no value. But for those of us who believe that we were created by God, or even just an intelligent designer, then it stands to reason that our lives have meaning and purpose. I became disabled about twenty-five years ago and my doctors told me then that I was dying, they said that if I managed to live for ten years I would be a very old man. In other words, there was an outside chance that I could live that long but don't get your hopes up. So I went through the whole anger and the meaning of my life thing at that time. I had a wife and baby and I thought, well if I'm just going to be sick for a few years and die miserably then why not live dangerously and see if we could just get it over with. So I started driving recklessly, I no longer stopped and looked both ways at railroad crossings, I was trying to do something that I had never done before, I was living on the edge. But I didn't die, I just kept on living. I didn't get better but I didn't get worse either. And I never got hit by a train or die in any other accident from my carelessness. Then one day I was in the right place at the right time to help someone that was in dire need, that's when it hit me. For as long as I'm alive my life has purpose and meaning. In twenty-five years I have helped hundreds if not thousands of people in one way or another. There are without a doubt some cases that if I had not been there terrible consequences would have occurred. Because of my being available, lives were changed or altered in some way for good. And how do we even count lives that were changed because of the charities that we have supported? I live my life in service to God and I let him decide my worth, and when he takes me out then I will know that my work here is complete.
"Post-Traumatic Stress is a curse upon those that are unfortunate to have been through terrible experiences, a curse that, no matter how many pills you are prescribed or group therapy sessions you sit through, you will have with you for the rest of your time."
I saved this for last because I had a couple of important observations here that I wanted you to see. The first is that you have dubbed your disorder a "Curse," which indicates to me that in your heart you believe that this burden was placed on you by someone or something else. If cursed, then there must be a curser. Who could have such power and for what reason would they want you to be cursed? Have you committed a sin so terrible that you deserve such punishment, or is someone just having fun at your expense? I'm not trying to make light of what you are saying or make fun of you, I'm just trying to lead you to the root of your problems. If you recognize where you are placing the blame then you are closer to finding help. I also see in this statement that you have surrendered, no matter what you do there will never be a cure, you are thus cursed and damned and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do about it. You have zero hope then, and without hope, a person has no reason to live but no reason to die either. But are you truly hopeless or have you just given up hope? You have lost hope in yourself, in doctors, in the Government, and even in your family and friends. So have you exhausted all possible sources of hope? Only you can decide that but I'm confident that there is at least one other source of hope that you could turn to.
I know that this was long and I've been sitting here writing this out on the fly, so I'm not even sure that it will make sense. I don't know you well enough to know whether this will help you any at all, I just hope that because of this lack of full knowledge that I have not harmed or offended you in any way. If that turns out to be the case then I sincerely apologize for my ignorance. On the other hand, if you find anything here that helps in some small way then we can both be thankful that we each made an effort to that end and that it wasn't all in vain.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a well thought out reply. I really appreciate it. I wasn't offended by anything you said, so don't worry.
As far as the part where I said it was a curse, when I wrote this I wanted to show some progression from at the beginning of my writing that it is a curse and then at the end of it, it is a badge of perseverance. If that makes sense. It's kind of hard for me to explain. In a way, it is a curse because it never really goes away because there will always be some things that trigger feelings and memories, whether it be a time of the year, smells, sounds, people, or just being alone and forced to think on things.
I used to be a religious person, but after many of the things I have, I have come to my own conclusions that there is no one omniscient being pulling the strings choosing who lives and who dies, who suffers needlessly and who gets a free ride in life. One of the misconceptions of religious people is that they believe that people who think like me believe that life has little or no value. It is actually quite the opposite. While I don't believe that there is one being, a "God", that most religions refer to, I do believe that there are forces or energies that are more powerful than we are and that they can be the governing force for this world, I just don't think anyone really has a true understanding of what it is. Most religions try and teach people to be good people, but you don't need to be religious to appreciate life and love other people. What I have come to conclude is that if I live my life trying to help others and find the beauty around me, I have become a much happier person. I don't think anyone truly knows if there is an afterlife, so I am going to do my best and trying to live this life to its fullest and seeing as much of the world and meeting as many of its inhabitants as I can, and during my travels I will make documentaries of the people who's stories normally don't get told because I believe everyone has a story to tell.
Sorry if this seems sort of like rambling, I guess you could say it was my first attempt at a 5 minute free write, even though it has taken more than 5 minutes to write. I hope you didn't take it as an attack on religion either. I do respect people that follow religions that they want to, I have just found my peace elsewhere.
An attack on religion? Not at all, and I do understand and can appreciate your position on the matter. Even though I'm a deacon in a Baptist Church I don't consider myself religious, not any more than any other person because just about everyone has certain practices that they do "religiously.'
For me, I have just been restored to a spiritual relationship with the Creator, I know Him now, and He accepted me just as I was when I came to Him. I have changed a lot since then as I have grown in knowledge and understanding, but it was not forced changes, I changed because I saw and recognized a better way. It is interesting to me how the truth can be right there in front of us and yet we are blind to see it, it is right there yet hidden. Truth is a spirit which often has physical representations and proofs, but you can not see it with your physical eyes, all you see is those proofs. In order to actually see truth you must look for it with spiritual eyes. It is the same for other spirits, like love, joy, hate, and lies. We see the evidence of these things with our eyes, and we sometimes feel them in our soul, but we do not see the spirit itself.
This is a special post. You did yourself a true service. The writing itself empowers your own connection to your true self, which is priceless.
I need not share my own experiences. But I can relate your situation. I can only tell you it gets better. Maybe not easier, but better. Therapy, Diet, Yoga, Tai Chi, have empowered me. I might also suggest pushing yourself to do things fun and social such as visiting an #improv comedy theater. Stand up is fun, but I am talking about specifically an improv theater where a group of people get together to discover and appreciate joy. Tis just a humble suggestion.
You got this. You have found something remarkable. And you are always welcome to visit our chill supportive community at www.steemexperience.com.
Stay blessed. Contact me anytime here or on discord, @jacobts
Thank you. I have found photography and filmmaking and that has been a good outlet for me. It has not only helped me, but I have found that some of my work has helped others and I have been able to tell people's stories that would not have been able to get out there.